“There it is! I’ve been hearing some sound by the riverside since a while ago!”
As my father approached where I stood with confident strides, a sudden shout rang out.
Startled, I turned my head, and even in the darkness, dozens of torches burning brightly twinkled.
“Tch! Of all times for those bastards to show up…!”
Father clicked his tongue briefly, then fled carrying the pink-haired woman.
For a brief moment, the gaze of the pink-haired woman, who floated in the air as if carried like a bundle of luggage, met mine.
I felt as if I had seen her face somewhere before.
….
Xue Haitai Tai.
The sworn enemy who killed my father and the righteous figure of the martial world who ultimately fell to my sword.
She was much younger than the her I remembered, but it was undoubtedly Xue Haitai Tai.
I think I understand now why she savagely killed my father.
“Damn it! They’re running!”
“And in the middle of the night, we can’t possibly chase them… Haa, I’ve been cursed.”
“Ever since you started talking nonsense about ghosts in the middle of the night, I thought you’d gone mad, but it seems someone really was there. Still, by the looks of it, you must have been pretty scared if you didn’t even have the courage to go investigate alone, huh?”
“Scared? This is ridiculous… I was merely preparing for any contingencies!”
With Xue Haitai Tai slung over his shoulder, Father disappeared into the darkness. Not long after, several men with torches descended upon the place where Father had been.
“…”
I stood still, without a chance to even speak.
“Bloodstains here? Damn it, what happened here…?”
“Whoever dared to do such a thing in Namgung’s territory… Lord, Prince?”
“Prince, why does your face look like that? Could it be that the villain…?”
The crowd soon discovered me lurking in the bushes.
They could never dream that the culprit who dared to commit such audacious deeds on Namgung’s land was none other than the true master of the Namgungs.
After that night, for several days, I went about my daily life in a daze.
Vacant like a soulless corpse.
People grilled me about what I had seen, but I couldn’t answer anything. To be precise, it was difficult even to recall the memories of that day.
“…”
The soliloquy that occasionally reached my ears gradually stopped, as if frozen.
It was as though it had been completely whitewashed.
“Son.”
Only a few days had passed after those days.
“Why does your face look like that?”
Father asked, observing the scar on my face.
His gaze was filled with suspicion, as though he instinctively realized it was the wound from the dagger he had thrown.
‘If I say I saw everything that night…’
After a long silence, my young thoughts returned.
‘Father will surely kill me…’
After a moment’s contemplation, I answered honestly.
“I got scratched by a sword during practice.”
Completely honest, without a speck of deceit.
“Merely scratched?! Doesn’t look like it.”
“Yes, so I’m currently getting it treated.”
“…Good-for-nothing. Get out of here.”
With a heavy sigh, Father waved me away, and I bowed respectfully before leaving.
And so, I walked endlessly, until the moment I moved out of his domain.
Terbuck-.
My steps faltered.
A cold soliloquy echoed in my mind.
“Disgusting.”
With that thought, just as I was about to resume walking,
“UUUUUUUU!”
I bent over and vomited everything inside me due to the overwhelming nausea.
It was still vivid. That night’s memory.
The woman forcefully pinned down sobbing in anger and flowing bloody tears.
The figure of my father looming over her, performing unspeakable acts.
“Filthy, despicable.”
It was clearly recorded in my young mind.
“How could Father… no, this beast ever be someone like that?”
There was no more room for respect or treatment as a parent.
My father had already forfeited his right to be human in my eyes.
But if there was one problem,
‘And I…’
It was the fact that this hatred didn’t stop at my father.
‘Since I am the child of this beast…’
No matter how I rationalized it, I ended up
‘Can I truly claim to be free of sin?’
I am the offspring of this beast, sprung from his seed, linked by blood.
Plok, Tuduk-.
I wandered aimlessly, running my hands all over my body.
Soft skin, a lean abdomen, a sturdy frame.
The thought that all this had originated from that “devil” surged up from my intestines and erupted through my throat.
“UWEEEEEEEEK!”
Self-loathing.
No matter how much I touched my body, prodded every inch, it was all the same.
The stigma of “the offspring of a beast” wouldn’t vanish from my mind.
My physical form seemed cursed.
“Haa, haa…!”
Of course, sins cannot be judged based on such matters.
The Confucian principles I follow, Kongzi and Mencius, strongly oppose the idea of guilt by association. A father’s sin is merely his own.
However, it’s not something I can easily overlook and shrug off.
“UUUUUUUUH…!”
‘You’re so absolutely disgusting…!’
It’s truly an unfair situation.
Where one can lie down and sleep soundly after committing such acts,
And another must live trembling under self-loathing despite not being the perpetrator.
There’s no one to blame but my own disposition, and it breaks my heart.
And yet, even more heartbreaking is
‘This, this filthy body…!’
The hatred shows no signs of ceasing.
Disgusted by the body inherited from a beast, I began to tear myself apart.
With my palms, fingers, and nails, as if trying to rip it apart piece by piece.
As if attempting to dismantle the byproduct of a sinner with my own hands.
Crwaek-!
Dangerous.
The self-loathing grows without bound.
If left unchecked, it could lead to drastic decisions.
Not for my own crimes but merely because of the sins committed by my father.
‘I, why was I even born…?’
It wasn’t because of this incident.
The resentment my mother showed toward me, the disdainful way my stepmother treated me as less than a person, the harsh abuse my father always subjected me to – in the end, it all led to the denial of my very existence.
Perhaps, I was never meant to be born in the first place.
Since everyone dislikes me.
Since everyone avoids me, finds my existence uncomfortable.
Perhaps, the very act of being born was a mistake?
Though I’m still alive and functioning, the process seems predictable.
The memories keep resurfacing faintly.
“…”
After struggling with nausea for a while, I fell into a brief silence.
With an empty gaze.
“…Who is my father?”
Finally, a dull voice escaped my lips.
“Who might he be?”
A defense mechanism had kicked in.
“Perhaps he was a devil in human form…”
“Or simply a generous and wine-loving hero…”
Just as my little sister So So Namgung subconsciously chose to believe in the false charges against her brother to suppress her misguided affection.
“Who is my mother?”
And just as my friend Jade Flower firmly believed in the false charges against her companion to create an unshakeable villain.
“Perhaps she was consumed by madness… Or maybe she was gentle and family-oriented?”
I myself avoid remembering.
One can call it erasure.
I erase what I don’t want to remember and only retain in my mind what I wish to remember.
Sooner or later, my father became a hero with great aspirations.
And my mother, she was transformed into a gentle and supportive figure.
Zai asked:
“The three-year mourning period for parents is too long. Ceremonial rites are abandoned, music ceases to be passed down, and old grain spoils. If one year can change everything, wouldn’t it be better if the three-year mourning period only lasted a year?”
The Master inquired:
“Would you find it easier?”
“Yes.”
“If that is what your heart desires, then do so.”
After Zai left, the Master said:
“A child, for the first three years of life, cannot survive without the care of parents. Calves, after just a few hours, can immediately jump around, but humans need to be fed, dressed, and cared for until they reach the age of three to survive. Mourning for three years is a way to honor the love received, but…”
This is a passage from the Yang Huo chapter of the Analects of Confucius.
The proper period of mourning for parents, the three-year mourning period.
Right now, I am carrying it out with all my fervor and dedication.
My father was gruesomely murdered shortly after.
By the notorious woman with pink hair, Xue Haitai Tai.
People in the martial world who didn’t know the context cursed her. She continued to massacre many martial artists and eventually earned the title of public enemy of the martial world.
I didn’t pursue her.
Though I erased the memories, I subconsciously felt relief at my father’s death.
Now, pieces seem to fall into place.
Do you remember?
In countless reincarnations, I never killed Xue Haitai Tai.
I only began to kill her when I reached the state of absolute apathy.
Forgetting the irreparable hatred over my father’s death due to the events that occurred before reincarnation, I judged solely based on efficiency and justice.
Or so I thought.
Looking back now, it’s a rather awkward cause-and-effect relationship.
When I had emotions, I let go of the hatred and didn’t kill her. Once my emotions faded, I killed her in the name of efficiency.
Shouldn’t it have been the opposite?
In truth, I never harbored any hatred towards her in my heart.
Even though I thought I had forgotten at a conscious level, the emotions imprinted in my unconscious were not so easily changed.
I had feelings of affection for Xue Haitai Tai because she killed my despicable father.
And as my affection faded while I reached the state of apathy,
I killed her under the guise of preventing her massacres, completely forgetting about my affection.
This twisted, inverted relationship,
I never once questioned it.
My unconscious mind demanded that I turn away.
Telling me not to unearth painful memories.
Telling me to bury them, to leave only good memories for my family.
Now that the lid has been lifted,
Even though it doesn’t matter anymore,
It feels like a relief.
Perhaps as I’ve grown older or gone through multiple reincarnations, perhaps my mind has been tempered.
Because even upon facing the truth, my mind has not collapsed,
Just a very slight pang of bitterness.
Unlike when I was younger, considering extreme measures.
“Keueeeuuuuuuuuk!”
Soeun Yu clutched her head and collapsed to the ground.
Her face was colored with agony.
“Hey, Sword Sage’s wife, are you alright?”
The Blood Demon, visibly irritated at her, asked brusquely.
She was still very angry with Soeun Yu, who had just moments ago brandished the Pure Light Divine Sword demanding her help.
Had she not shouted ‘if Namgung Bin that bastard comes back, I’ll tell him everything!’ right before that, she herself would’ve been in the same state Soeun Yu was in now.
Just thinking about it gave her chills.
“Huuuu… Ooohhh…”
Soeun Yu let out a groan filled with pain.
It was because she was directly bearing the burden of the “emotion sharing” that Pure Light Divine Sword had proposed.
White sediment spilled out from her lips. Within a short time, Soeun Yu had become noticeably frail.
– Can you hold on?
“Uuhh…”
– So weak. And you thought you could help… how pitiful.
Pure Light Divine Sword cast an exasperated reprimand at the fallen Soeun Yu.
Soeun Yu painfully smiled and raised the corner of her lips.
“Still…,”
– Still?
“I, if I helped even a little… that will be enough.”
She couldn’t continue, and Soeun Yu lost consciousness, toppling over.
Her body fell helplessly.
The Pure Light Divine Sword silently stared at her for a moment before turning her gaze toward Byul Rak within the sword blade.
– Definitely better than expected.
Compared to my fears, her condition was much more stable.
– Somehow, your help was effective.
