Who should I sacrifice, I wonder? Judging by the talk of Qing Guang Bao Jian, this won’t be over anytime soon.
It seems that I might even have to prepare myself for the possibility of ruining someone. That’s what Soeun Yu thought.
The first person Soeun Yu thought of was the one closest to her.
“…”
“Why are you suddenly staring at me like that?”
The second person Soeun Yu thought of was someone who could be easily subdued given the current situation.
Even someone like me who hasn’t practiced martial arts for a long time would be able to restrain this frail person or someone who lacks strength.
“…”
“Why, what is it? Why are you looking at me now after looking at the sword?”
Surprisingly, it was all too obvious.
Blood Demon.
Once, an undeniably terrible villain who plunged the Central Plains martial world into chaos, but now…
Now, she is no more than a half-dead being, having lost her limbs and unable to use her internal energy.
Even though her body, influenced by her past life, remains incredibly resilient, that’s all there is to it.
Most likely, no matter what I attempt, she won’t be able to resist.
“That gaze… You’re starting to look like a damn mongrel dog.”
“…”
“Daaring to look at this Sovereign with such an unpleasant glare! How treacherous!”
Blood Demon sensed a hint of unease and raised her guard.
Even so, since she had no arms or legs, all she could do was raise her shoulders as much as possible.
But that wasn’t enough to block Soeun Yu’s intense gaze.
“What, what is it! What is that look you give to tools for!”
“It might be sufficient for you to endure it, don’t you think? Because of your strong spirit.”
“Always spouting nonsense! Fix that rotten glare of yours! What rudeness is this…!”
“That’s right… Didn’t you do something wrong to our Sect Master too? Hmm, this is merely righteous retribution… Absolutely not a bad deed…”
“Are you insane! Where are your eyes even focused!”
Soeun Yu approached Blood Demon with a sinister smile.
Even though Soeun Yu had once been the purest of the pure, having recently learned about Byul Rak’s past, she saw all the sights she shouldn’t have. She is not as innocent anymore.
*
“Clack… crunch…”
The mother I recall from my memories was tender and gentle.
Or rather, from my ‘idealized’ memories.
Why my memories were distorted, I do not know, but the real mother I meet here is…
“Why should I… Why did I grow up so precious only to be treated this way…”
She seems to be in pain.
She’s standing firm, and she’s been hurt a lot.
Her instability is severe, and she could act unpredictably at any moment. She’s also a patient suffering from a serious mental disorder.
Watching her makes my heart ache. Even as a child who can’t take my eyes off her, observing her intently.
“I’m a child of a noble family too… Why did you bring me here and then never even give me a glance…”
Except for when she first came to the Namgung family and when I was born, my mother was never truly loved by father.
At first glance, it may seem like my marital relationship is similar, but my father’s attitude towards her was far from mine.
Father was too busy with other women and didn’t even bother looking at her.
“Fucking… Why did I bother giving birth to a kid when asked, only to have that bitch with no roots producing a younger sibling and immediately taking over the position of heir…”
“…”
“…Why didn’t you keep the promise that you would give it to me? Dammit!”
As a child, I wonder why I would peek at this sight.
Fueled by anger, sorrow, and indignation, my mother was carving up a clay doll, and I wonder why I would witness it as a child.
The reason is revealed through the internal monologue I hear.
“It’s…”
“…”
“…Because I’m not good enough.”
Ha.
“Maybe if I just get a little better, I’ll be strong enough to satisfy father and mother.”
“No matter how hard you try, no,” a person calling himself your father would say, always talking about training but showing no interest in your growth.
I wish I could tell her the truth, but unfortunately, I have no such means.
It’s suffocating.
I feel as though my breath is being choked off.
Even after being entranced by the Cursed Face Art, I’ve been feeling suffocated, but this is the first time it’s ever felt this oppressive.
Knock knock.
At that moment, a knocking sound came from outside the door.
“The Lady has summoned Young Master Chaebin.”
“…Why does that woman want our son?”
“It’s said… she has urgent business…”
“I see. Tell her he’ll be there soon.”
After answering the servant, my mother slowly got up and walked towards my room.
I quickly ran back and grabbed a wooden sword before my mother arrived.
I began to pretend to train, practicing with my sword in my room.
When mother arrived later than expected, she smiled at me and spoke.
“Oh, my son. Are you practicing?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“What a fine lad. But you must stop for now. The Lady has summoned you.”
“The Lady? Why?”
“How would I know? It’s not proper to ignore the command of an elder. Quickly, get dressed and go see her.”
I opened the wardrobe cautiously, peeking at mother’s expression while carefully pulling out some clothes.
When she said “the Lady,” she put special emphasis on the words. It seemed unintentional.
It’s like she tried hard to swallow back a curse.
Of course, without any hasty assumptions.
Creak.
I followed the messenger to the main hall. There, the Lady was waiting for me, with a table in front of her.
“Finally, you’ve come. Do come closer. I’ve been waiting.”
“…I greet you, Grandmother.”
“What’s this rigid formality?”
On the table were two cups of tea, wafting with a white steam.
They seemed prepared beforehand.
“Sit. There is something important.”
“…”
“What are you standing there for? No one’s going to eat you.”
The Lady’s voice was very gentle.
It seemed like some sort of honeyed trap to lure the enemy, so I instinctively shrank back.
The chair creaked as I sat.
As soon as I sat down, the Lady began to speak as if she was waiting for this moment.
“Fact is, I care for you very much, Chaebin.”
With a warm, but obviously forced smile on her lips.
“Although you weren’t born from my womb, I consider you as my own son. Of course, saying this might make you a little embarrassed… I feel it’s time to bring this up.”
Her voice was secretive and sweet.
“You are already at an age where you know everything, right? And about the matter of the succession, you should know that if things continue this way, you won’t receive a single coin of the family’s wealth.”
“…I do know.”
“Doesn’t that seem unfair? You are the eldest, but due to a younger sibling born two years later, you’ve lost the position of the first heir?”
“…”
Why is she bringing up ‘sibling’? Isn’t it her own child?
“Shouldn’t you also think of your mother? By the time you grow up, she will be old and unable to work. She will need someone to support her.”
With incomprehensible words, the Lady handed me the tea cup.
She motioned for me to drink it.
Without refusing, I waited for the breeze to cool it before taking a small sip.
The tea was unusually sweet. Too sweet, it made me feel uncomfortable.
“Become my son, Chaebin.”
“…!”
At that moment, the Lady revealed what she had been keeping hidden.
My pupils widened in shock.
“It means I want you to keep your birth mother as a maternal figure and recognize me as your mother. This way, you can regain the title of the family’s heir, surpassing my son, Bin.”
A little tea spilled over.
Because I was so shocked that I was trembling.
“You might be considered a dullard by others, but I see potential in you. You merely missed the timing of martial training. Besides, looking at your father, being a head of the family isn’t merely about strong martial arts, is it?”
It’s not unusual to register a concubine’s child under the main wife’s family registry.
It has its advantages; the child gets to take care of their birth mother, and the main wife gains an heir of her bloodline.
However, that’s when the main wife doesn’t have any children.
The Lady has a child. My half-brother, Bin Namgung.
“She can give you everything of the Namgung family. You don’t have to do anything. Just follow what I say and grow up safely under my care.”
If I heedlessly accept this sweet proposal, Bin Namgung would be removed from the line of succession.
Yet, despite this, she offers it, even ready to give up her own biological child.
‘Am I to become her son…?’
The private grudge between my mother and this Lady.
I have a faint recollection of hearing about it. Even before mother became concubine, their relationship wasn’t good.
She talks about taking care of my mother, but surely, if I become part of the Lady’s direct family, she’ll try every trick to sever the relationship between mother and me.
And she’ll surely find ways to make sure I don’t become the heir.
It’s easy to predict.
Had I been younger, even if I matured early, I wouldn’t have been able to think this far.
“I’m sorry!”
“What?”
“Ah, I can’t do it! I only have one mother! I am extremely grateful for this wonderful offer!”
This is not a matter of gains and losses but ethics.
How can a child turn their back on their parent?
Even if the outcome isn’t clear, knowing the relationship between the Lady and my mother, it’s a proposal I mustn’t accept.
For the sake of the Namgung family, mother is alone. This is the correct choice.
“Then, I will take my leave! The tea was very good!”
“Wha-, Chaebin…! Won’t you stay and talk…”
“I’m sorry! I mustn’t leave mother alone for too long!”
As she called me out urgently, I hurriedly fled from the main hall.
Perhaps because of the sudden nature of the proposal, I was overly excited.
Perhaps, I was simply scared. It seemed that the Lady’s attempt to separate me from my mother wouldn’t end here.
‘Mother, mother, mother…!’
Indeed, listening to the inner thoughts of my younger self, there isn’t a shred of regret.
Because, compared to power, wealth, and fame, I valued mother much more.
From today’s perspective, I find it commendable.
Clap!
I panted heavily as I returned to my quarters.
‘Hurry, I want to see mother now!’
‘Even though she can sometimes be unsettling! Still, I like it! Whenever I bear everything, she goes back to her usual self!’
Here, in the Namgung family, she is the only one who cherishes me entirely. How great it must be!
With such hopeful thoughts, I entered my quarters,
“!”
Why on earth is mother here again with her hair in disarray?
Why is she using a small dagger and cutting her own wrist…
“Mother!”
I rushed towards her without even removing my shoes.
As soon as she saw me, mother’s bloodshot eyes shook violently.
Crack!
“Uh!”
Mother immediately stopped me by grabbing my arms.
Her grip was excessively strong, and I felt as if my arms were about to be torn off.
How could such a thin woman exert so much strength?
“It’s all your fault…!”
Mother’s cracked lips parted, and a coarse voice emerged.
It was filled with deep resentment. A resentment lost aimlessly.
“If it weren’t for you! I wouldn’t have ended up like this!”
“Mother! Why, why are you behaving this… way! Ggk!”
As I struggled hard to escape, mother lifted me up with sheer arm strength.
My unanchored feet flailed helplessly in the air.
“Why were you born a boy? If you had been a girl, there wouldn’t have been a need for all this mess over some inheritance!”
I share the vision with this young self. Whatever this child sees becomes what I see.
Mother now fills the vision of this young self.
With disheveled hair and bloodshot eyes, mother shouts fiercely at me.
She looks directly at ‘me’ and screams at ‘me’.
“If you weren’t going to be an heir anyway…!!”
“Mo, mother…!”
“Rather, why didn’t you just be born a girl…!”
“!”
“If you had been a girl, those bastards from the family wouldn’t have dismissed me and looked down on me as if I were nothing!”
It’s confusing.
My head feels like it’s been struck by a blunt object, thudding painfully.
I want to rest. I want to quit. I just want to lie down now.
But this horrible spell holds me fast, refusing to let me go.
“Why did you ever have to be born, incapable of becoming the head of the family…?”
Mother looked down at my lower body.
How tightly she was clamping down on her lips, blood pouring out of them.
…For some reason.
When I was regressing, when my mind was breaking,
I recall trying to cut off my own genitals to control my desires.
Back then, was I really doing it because of desire?
Having long mastered the ability to freely control the Five Poisons and Seven Emotions?
…
‘Mother, do you truly wish for that?’
Even in this situation, the inner dialogue of my younger self rings out in mockery.
“Because everyone looks down on us… Treats us as non-existent… We could have avoided the disdainful gaze of those insignificant ones…”
Why were my memories erased?
I understand a little now.
For mother, it was merely a momentary burst of insanity.
Perhaps it was just a slip of the tongue.
‘I must’ve been born wrong.’
For this young self, it became an irreversible ‘brand’,
firmly imprinted somewhere deep in my mind.
