Chapter 109

I wanted to die.

It wasn’t the usual kind of wanting to end my life.

It was just that I felt so embarrassed I wanted to die.

“Um, so…”

I couldn’t meet Artasha’s sharp gaze.

If there were a mouse hole, I’d have crawled into it right then.

No excuses were allowed.

What would Artasha think of me?

Would she think I’m ugly?

Would she think I’m shameless for stealing her daughter?

If I had to face that kind of look…

I might really want to die.

But the reaction I got was…

Something I never could have expected.

“Pfft, pffhahaha…”

A clear laugh filled the room.

I lifted my head in a daze and looked at her.

What caught my eyes for a while was…

Artasha’s dazzling smile.

※

At the confectionery in the Imperial Capital.

The sweet pastries and colorful tea in front of me caught my eye.

“Do you like it?”

Artasha asked softly.

Her smile had a hint of mischief.

“…Yes.”

“Well, it might not be as good as that restaurant’s pastries, but this place is quite famous too.”

“Ah, um, I mean…!”

Her cruel words hit right where it hurt.

My face flushed instantly.

I never imagined Artasha could be this teasing.

Maybe it was a bit annoying.

Before I knew it, my cheeks were puffed up.

Artasha quietly watched me.

Her serious gaze made me feel awkward for a moment.

“What’s your name?”

The unexpected question made my eyes tremble without context.

“You’re not Tina, are you?”

“Um, no…”

A sharp pain stabbed at my chest.

I couldn’t lift my head and avoided her gaze.

“That’s why I’m asking. It’s a bit uncomfortable to call you without a name.”

Artasha’s face was still soft.

Her warm gaze held no malice or hostility.

Entranced by her look, I quietly opened my mouth.

“Ah, um… My name is…”

I did have a clear name once.

A fleeting moment, but still.

A name given to me by parents who loved and cared for me.

“Um, so… My name is…”

But why?

I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

That name was my painful past.

A name soaked in scorn and ridicule.

A name even my blood-related parents turned away from.

A cold, sorrowful trace of three letters.

A name emptied of meaning and affection.

I didn’t want Artasha to call me by that name.

Anyone else, maybe, but not Artasha.

“…I don’t have one.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t have a name.”

A look of confusion crossed Artasha’s face.

After a moment of thought, she carefully spoke again.

“You must have parents. Didn’t they give you a name?”

“They, they did… but…”

“……”

Did she realize something?

Artasha’s gaze subtly changed.

Her complicated eyes pierced through me.

Was it pity, concern… or disdain?

Before I could figure out her thoughts,

Artasha slowly stood up and sat down next to me.

Her delicate hand gently rested on my head.

Just like before, she softly stroked my hair.

“It’s okay. A name isn’t that important. Plenty of people change their names if they don’t like them.”

Her warm comfort almost made the emotions I’d buried deep inside burst out.

“……”

“Then for now, I’ll call you Tina.”

Even though I thought it was wrong, I couldn’t stop her.

I wanted to be spoiled by her.

Just like the old days I missed so much.

“Hm? What’s wrong?”

Without realizing it, I grabbed her sleeve.

Though I couldn’t form proper words, I closed my eyes and cautiously confided in Artasha.

“…Please give me one.”

“Huh?”

“Could you… give me a name?”

“Huh?”

Artasha’s eyes widened in surprise.

As if doubting her ears, she looked at me with shocked eyes.

“Ah, I want to be called by a name you give me…”

“……”

“Is that… not okay?”

Artasha’s calm blue eyes wavered unusually.

After staring at me blankly for a while, she suddenly turned her head away, hiding her face.

I was bewildered.

Artasha avoiding my gaze?

Was my request that unpleasant?

Looking closely, her shoulders were trembling slightly.

Covering her mouth with one hand, she stared into the distance.

It was a clear signal of refusal.

I hated myself for expecting too much again.

Blaming my foolish heart, I wanted to scold myself.

“I’m… sorry…”

My voice, heavy with regret.

Artasha quickly turned to look at me, as if startled.

“No, why are you apologizing?”

“I… think I made an unreasonable request… I’m sorry…”

“No! It’s not like that at all. I was just… thinking about your name.”

“Really? Then, are you going to give me a name?”

“If you’re okay with it, I’d like to.”

My heart skipped a beat at her words.

A name born from her fingertips.

Even before hearing it, that name already stirred excitement in my heart.

Any name would do.

Even if it held a dark meaning, I would cherish it deep in my heart forever.

“Y-yes…!”

Artasha smiled softly at my answer.

“I’ll think about it until we meet again. Can you wait a little?”

She reached out and stroked my head.

Without realizing it, I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes.

It was warm and comforting. Beyond words.

For this moment, it felt like I had returned to the memories of being with Artasha long ago.

There was just one difference…

Artasha, who once looked at me with false affection.

Now, her eyes held only ‘me.’

And one more difference…

The screams that filled my head.

The sharp echoes that made me loathe humanity.

The voice that tore through my mind was gone.

‘…It’s peaceful.’

That’s how it felt.

※

After parting with Artasha.

The carriage brought me back to Lillian’s mansion.

Deep underground, a hidden prison.

A space prepared just for me.

A sealed room where no sunlight could reach.

But it was different from usual.

The emotion enveloping me now wasn’t loneliness.

After meeting Artasha, a new emotion was breaking down my heart.

I knew what this was.

But I denied it.

Instead, I forcibly dragged out the darkness within.

“Hehe, Artasha is really… such a fool.”

A laugh escaped my lips.

Her endlessly affectionate attitude was ridiculous.

She was foolishly naive.

That’s what I decided to think.

Even though she knew I had taken her daughter.

Artasha still smiled at me.

She still offered me her warm heart.

“Even after being hurt by me… she still shows me kindness.”

I mocked her.

With a voice full of ridicule.

I insulted her endlessly.

I repeated her name, over and over, until I was sick of it.

“What a fool.”

I muttered to myself and let out another hollow laugh.

But as time passed.

The smile on my face gradually wavered.

My vision blurred.

My eyes trembled.

I covered my face with trembling hands and quietly called out to an old friend.

“Are you really not coming out?”

You always said it.

That it wasn’t my fault.

That being a fool would only lead to being hurt.

That I didn’t need to feel guilty for hurting others.

But I don’t know.

No matter how much I rack my brain.

No matter how much I repeat it…

You see, I think I did something wrong.

So tell me.

Convince me.

That I didn’t do anything wrong.

That I only did what I had to do.

If you don’t tell me, then…

What I’ve been until now…

[You’re a child who can’t lie.]

Plop.

A transparent tear fell down my cheek.

[I was happy, I was joyful.]

I stared blankly at that tear.

That single drop was just the beginning.

Soon, the floodgates opened.

The rising emotions began to pour out.

“Ah… uh…”

A suppressed sound escaped my throat.

I couldn’t stop the tears.

[The time I spent with you was colorful and bright.]

“I was wrong… I… was wrong…”

What’s breaking me now.

This is guilt.

“I was wrong… wrong… I was wrong…”

The accumulated sins.

The irreversible regrets.

The weight of it all easily shattered my shameless masks.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry to everyone…”

A voice soaked in tears trembled and flowed out.

I’m sorry, Sharrione.

I’m sorry, Berisha.

I’m sorry for using your kindness for my own greed.

“I’m sorry, Rose von Berdalin…”

For ruining your reputation.

For hurting you because of me…

It’s all my fault.

“I’m sorry, Bianca, Camilla, Della, Ellen, Hestia, Belita, Chloe…”

I actually remember all the names.

Every single one, I didn’t forget anyone.

You gave me such wonderful gifts…

How could I ever forget?

Even a small pastry, a carefully picked flower.

I was so happy. I was so joyful.

“Sniff… Mardian… I’m, I’m sorry…”

Though we were tangled in a bad past.

I didn’t want to end things with you like that. I didn’t want to hurt you like that.

“Vi… Viviana…”

I really liked you.

You were my ideal, after all.

Even when you treated me like I was worthless.

I still liked you.

But…

I was so afraid you’d grow tired of me.

That we’d never be together.

Because you’re someone who shines so much brighter than someone like me.

So, I ran away.

I’m sorry.

For using your guilt.

I never resented you.

I’m sorry for pretending to resent you.

Lillian.

For making someone as good and just as you.

Become this extreme, I’m sorry.

Even though we grew up in the same environment.

I was jealous of how bright you could be.

I admired you so much.

I wanted you to fall to the same place as me.

“I’m, sorry…”

Artasha.

For taking your daughter.

For taking the person most precious to you.

“I, I…”

The sins hidden behind layers of walls.

Those sins just flowed along the path I’ve walked.

Breaking down my heart endlessly.

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