Chapter 105

“I’m not going.”

The firm words that flowed from Professor Esther’s lips left Chloe and Elin with bewildered expressions.

“Uh… okay?”

“Uh, Professor Esther?”

Unfazed by their reactions, Professor Esther shook her head with a stern expression.

“Elin, and Chloe. I understand both of you want to visit Professor Lucio with good intentions. However… I cannot go.”

“Uh… Are you very busy?”

“Not really…”

Professor Esther paused. After a moment of silence, rolling her eyes, she finally opened her mouth again.

“…Yes, that’s right. I’ve been too busy lately to find time for a visit.”

“Oh…”

“Is that so… Understood. Then, we’ll go on our own!”

Chloe replied cheerfully as she stood up. At this, Professor Esther was taken aback, grabbing Chloe’s shoulder with surprise.

“C-Chloe!”

“Ah…! Yes?”

Holding onto Chloe’s shoulder, Professor Esther remained silent. For a while, Professor Esther’s uneasy eyes and Chloe’s wide-eyed confusion met each other.

“So, um… I think it would be better if you didn’t go.”

Her trembling eyes, the cold sweat on her brow, and her slightly pale complexion made it hard to consider Professor Esther’s state as normal even if she was just making excuses, but Chloe felt overwhelmed and answered without thinking.

“Uh… Is that so?”

“Of course! Professor Lucio is unwell, but it’s nothing serious! You really don’t need to visit him!”

“Hmm… But still, just a visit…”

“Chloe!”

Professor Esther’s voice reached a level of screaming. Chloe and Elin stared at Professor Esther with stunned expressions, shocked by her outburst.

“Please listen to me…”

“Uh, um… yes?”

“Professor Lucio needs to rest right now… Absolutely, absolutely do not visit him. Do you understand?”

“Ah, understood…”

In the end, Chloe and Elin had no choice but to bow to her wishes and nod. It wasn’t just because of Professor Esther’s strong demeanor, but also because she gave off the feeling that she genuinely wanted to dissuade them from meeting Professor Antorelli.

If it weren’t such an insignificant matter, curious Chloe would have brushed off the warning and headed to the staff dormitory…

“Are you really not going? Chloe and Elin?”

“Yes, yes! We really won’t go!”

It felt ridiculous to resist against Professor Esther’s insistence so strongly and then defiantly head for a visit, so Chloe slowly nodded her head.

Chloe and Elin were released only after making three promises to Professor Esther that they would never visit Professor Antorelli.

They shook off their uneasy feelings as they slowly walked away from Professor Esther’s office.

“Whew… That was surprising…”

“I know, right? Why was she so worked up?”

“Hmm… Maybe Professor Antorelli has some personal issues? So she’s trying to prevent us from going…”

“That’s likely.”

Thinking it was strange for Professor Esther to be so flustered, they pondered the situation.

* * * * *

I sat on the sofa in the living room. Perhaps because I had been lying in bed all the time, the brightly lit living room was cleaner than I expected.

The phrase “more than I expected” is truly troublesome. It hides both the meaning of being better than I thought and an objective viewpoint.

Going back and forth between two meanings. Back and forth… mocking me every step of the way.

“Head Priest, this way…”

It was time to face reality. I pulled myself out of my reverie.

Sub-priest Sofia was handing me a teacup filled with black tea. I stared at her blankly for a moment before accepting the cup she offered.

A bitter aroma. A deep fragrance. Thick… aroma.

“Thank you.”

I expressed my gratitude to Sub-priest Sofia and tilted the teacup. It was delicious. Bitter. Sweet.

…Sweet? Why is it sweet?

“Sofia, did you put in sugar?”

“No…? I brewed it as usual, without sugar.”

“…Hmm.”

Well, something good is better than nothing. I savored the black tea. The flavor derived from the deep taste of the tea was very pleasant.

As usual. And like that time.

I set the teacup down. Sub-priest Sofia and Chief Curbin, sitting across from me, were looking at me with serious expressions. Why are they staring so intently? It’s making me uncomfortable.

“…Professor Antorelli.”

“Yes, Chief Curbin.”

“Are you really… okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I am fine. Just a little painful.

…It might not just be “a little.” It’s quite painful. But, it’s bearable. I wanted to appear that way.

“Then… um… where should I start?”

“Speak freely.”

“Before that, Professor.”

“Yes?”

Chief Curbin approached slowly. I sat still, watching her.

Her arm stretched towards me and touched my glasses. The glasses slid gently off my face.

“Your glasses were dusty.”

“Oh, thank you.”

That’s strange. I had no problem seeing.

But when someone in front of me said my glasses were dusty, I brushed it off. Chief Curbin blew on the lenses a few times and put the glasses back on my face.

“I can wear glasses too, you know.”

“Oh, I’m sorry if it was rude.”

“It’s fine.”

A tranquil mind. I took it as it is. I didn’t think anything more.

By the way, how long are they going to draw this out? I asked Chief Curbin.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“…No. I want to talk about Cesar Li…”

Chief Curbin’s gaze reflexively turned towards Sub-priest Sofia. When her gaze met Sofia’s, Sofia flinched and then gave a somewhat awkward smile.

“I… just needed to confirm that the Head Priest is okay. I’ll step out for a bit!”

With that, Sub-priest Sofia left the room for a moment.

“Then, can we get to the main point?”

“Yes.”

Even though Chief Curbin’s eyes carried a lingering anxiety, I didn’t particularly care. Whether talking about Cesar or Helena…

… Perhaps.

“We handled Cesar Li’s body as best as we could. He was buried in a cemetery near the city…”

“Chief Curbin, I’m not interested in that.”

“…Pardon?”

Chief Curbin looked at me with a bewildered expression. I didn’t understand why she was so startled.

“What I’m curious about are just two things.”

“What are they…?”

“What kind of posthumous measures Duke Adelhaid has taken, and how the Federal Intelligence Agency plans to handle the agent who had dealings with Carmondorf regarding this matter. That’s all I need to know.”

“……”

I quietly looked at Chief Curbin. She was also looking at me.

I gazed into Chief Curbin’s dark, deep eyes. She couldn’t look into mine.

“Will you tell me?”

Calmly, I gently urged Chief Curbin for an answer. She fumbled her lips for a moment and then let out a light sigh as if resigned before opening her mouth.

“Duke Adelhaid is preparing alternatives for war veterans who participated in the Great War to receive free mental counseling. The same goes for any compensation matters.”

Duke Adelhaid, even if belatedly, must be doing his best in his own way. So, is this hypocrisy?

…Indeed, it is hypocrisy. Yes. This is how they must relieve their internal burdens.

I acknowledged my hypocrisy. Do they feel the same?

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Also, regarding our Federal Intelligence Agency’s former top agent, Walter Bailey… I apologize. I’m embarrassed. We will do everything possible to ensure that such incidents do not occur in the future.”

“Yes. Please make that happen.”

I responded that way, though honestly, I didn’t expect much. The one constant in this world is that those we believe will change never do.

I quietly watched Chief Curbin. She was gazing back at me after she finished speaking.

“Then, once we finalize the direction on our end… Professor?”

“……”

“Professor Antorelli?”

I was staring at my own reflection in her clear eyes. My hair was a mess, and I looked quite disheveled…

I was staring. Staring.

“Professor!”

“…Oh, yes. Did you call for me?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.”

I waved my hand dismissively.

“More importantly, Chief Curbin.”

“Yes, Professor.”

I called out Chief Curbin’s name and then silently observed her for a while. Her eyes seemed to flicker slightly.

I had been curious about something since even before. Ever since Cesar had died.

“Then, who is going to take responsibility in the Federal Intelligence Agency?”

“…Pardon?”

“There must be someone accountable, right? Regardless of the circumstances, it’s our agency’s agent who did this.”

Chief Curbin’s eyes shook intensely. Watching my own trembling reflection in her shifting gaze, I could be sure.

Responsibility is, in the end, an illusion.

“If… we say responsibility… our Federal Intelligence Agency will be taking strong measures to ensure that such an incident does not occur again. All personnel in positions managing agents within the Empire will undergo personnel restructuring…”

“Ha…”

Looking at Chief Curbin as she stammered and spoke in confusion, I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was too absurd to hold back.

Even after going through such events, they remain oblivious.

When you lose, you lose more. When you gain, you lose as well.

Only after losing do you realize, and even after realizing, you do not correct it. And it is always us who bear the losses. Thus, it relentlessly gnaws at my mind.

They do not know. What it means to lose. What the time of loss that follows is like.

What phantom pain arises from that.

What a deficit of self is like, they still do not understand. And yet, they so diligently explain what they can do…

…How foolish.

“Ah… I was just joking.”

“……”

“Really. It was a joke.”

I never had hope from the start.

It was true. I genuinely did not trust them, and did not harbor animosity either.

They live their lives. Having escaped from the larval stage long ago, they become dragonflies or mantises that prey on other insects.

I am a caterpillar.

Wriggle. Wriggle. Wriggle. Wriggle.

I am a caterpillar. A caterpillar. When will I become a pupa?

“Professor Antorelli. Miss Laura von Adelheit…”

Now that I think about it, there was a student by that name. Unconsciously, my face blossomed into a smile.

Laura had become one of my kind. She, who was once a predator that fed on other insects, must be suffering as a worm like me now.

So, Laura is different from them. Cesar made it that way.

“…You bastard.”

“His Grace Duke Adelhaid… Yes?”

“Nothing.”

“…His Grace Duke Adelhaid sent word that Lady Adelheit wishes to meet with you.”

What will you do? Chief Curbin asked me.

Of course, my answer was already decided.

“I will go. When should I visit?”

I will prove that I am not the only one who is unhappy.

I will demonstrate my hypocrisy, and their hypocrisy too.