Chapter 105

Returning home, it didn’t take long for me to receive another message. The Director passed away early the morning after his last conversation with his son.

I heard that in the end, the Director was with his son and Chaerin. Thanks to the narcotic painkillers, the Director was able to maintain some clarity, but the medication didn’t magically erase all his pain, and he couldn’t engage in proper conversation.

However, he was reportedly holding his son’s hand until he sometime let go.

After the lunch hour, I learned the news and tried to head back to the hospital immediately, but the funeral is said to start tomorrow.

It seems I didn’t sleep well that day.

The next day, before going to the hospital, I stopped by a hair salon. My hair had grown quite a bit. Naturally, I could not go to the luxury salon I had previously visited with Ham Yejin, so I looked for the nearest salon that came up in my search.

As soon as I took off my large hat upon entering the salon, all eyes were on me. I told them to cut my hair a bit shorter but neatly, without caring too much.

Before I knew it, my hair, which had been down to my shoulders, was cut and left with a neat bob. I could have asked for it to be shaved completely, but I stopped at this point. I felt somewhat bothered that I looked a bit younger after the haircut.

After cutting my hair, I looked for a nearby shopping area that had clothing stores. While browsing, I found a suitable small black hat.

It could cover my white hair, but it wasn’t wide-brimmed enough to hide my face completely, unlike the hat I was currently wearing.

I also searched for a reasonably appropriate black outfit for the funeral. Of course, I couldn’t wear the suit I had previously, and there were hardly any black clothes among what I currently owned. I even rummaged through the clothes given to me by Madame, but there was no black clothing.

An employee approached me, and when I mentioned I was looking for clothes to wear to the funeral, they recommended a suitable store. At the recommended store, I was able to find an appropriate outfit. When I mentioned the size I had measured when I bought clothes before, the employee brought out an outfit, but it was a bit small.

I ended up purchasing a size larger than what I usually wore and put it on. In my hand, I carried a paper bag containing my old clothes and my hat.

I then headed to the bank to withdraw cash and bought a condolence envelope at a convenience store to put it in.

And I called a taxi with my phone.

After a little time, the taxi arrived. Fortunately, this taxi driver wasn’t too chatty. The ride to the funeral home, which Chaerin had taught me to get to, took over two hours.

This wasn’t my first time attending a funeral, but it was my first for someone I knew.

I got out of the taxi and entered the funeral home. I took off my hat.

The Director’s son was overseeing the arrangements. I offered him a light bow. Kneeling before the Director’s portrait, I paid my respects. I bowed twice and placed my right hand on top of my left. After the two bows, I remained silent in mourning.

There were many people gathered nearby. They appeared to be relatives of the Director, people who had supported the orphanage, former residents who had become independent, and some employees from the orphanage. I even saw a woman with a child. The atmosphere wasn’t pleasant.

Though I recognized a few faces, none of them came to greet me, and I didn’t initiate conversation with anyone either.

I didn’t have a meal. I just sat quietly in a corner, observing the people around.

Most were having quiet conversations. Some new people arrived while others left. A woman was soothing a whimpering child in one corner. The child looked to be of kindergarten age.

The woman, probably the child’s mother, seemed tireless as she continued to console the child. Speaking of which, the Director’s son had mentioned having a daughter in kindergarten.

For some reason, I kept glancing in that direction.

The child didn’t cry or cause a scene but seemed close to tears, unable to adapt to the atmosphere, and kept clinging to their mother.

After a while, the child fell asleep.

Then I heard a voice calling me from behind.

“Oppa.”

Chaerin, wearing mourning clothes, was standing behind me.

“Where have you been?”

“I had something to take care of for a moment. When did you arrive?”

“Just now.”

“Have you eaten?”

“I don’t have an appetite.”

“Is that so?”

Chaerin pulled out the chair next to me and sat down.

“You cut your hair?”

“It was too long; it was messy. I don’t even particularly like long hair.”

“It looks fine.”

I casually acknowledged Chaerin’s lifeless compliment. Just from her expression, she didn’t seem to think much of it. There was a hint of discontent in her gaze.

“What about Kangsoo?”

“He came and went a while ago. He’s a personal trainer, so perhaps he has some busy schedule. He couldn’t stay long, but he was there for a good while.”

“I see.”

We didn’t talk much. A long silence passed, and Chaerin kept momentarily leaving her seat. Yet when she returned, she sat next to me again.

“When will you leave?”

“Not sure.”

“You probably won’t see them again.”

“Is that so?”

Night fell. It was about time to leave. The funeral was expected to continue for several more days. Chaerin’s expression was bittersweet.

“Will you come tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Please don’t come.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s over now?”

Chaerin began to speak of things I couldn’t understand.

“It’s about fate.”

“Our story,”

“It’s the end of our last connection.”

“Maybe this will be the last time we meet.”

“I didn’t like that place, the orphanage.”

“None of us did. Neither you nor I.”

“So you cut ties and became independent, like everyone else.”

“This miserable connection has now ended, as the last event has wrapped up.”

Ah, was that so? I suppose it was. I wanted to cut it away. I wanted to erase it. But as a human being, I couldn’t do that, so I settled for making a few phone calls and donating to soothe my discomfort.

I excised that part from my life.

Since I didn’t have many close friends, it wasn’t hard to do. I wasn’t the only one feeling that way. It was actually rarer for someone to maintain connections with the orphanage or to keep in touch after becoming independent.

Even Cheolwoo, who was somewhat close to me, and Kangsoo weren’t particularly my close friends. So neither of them probably thought much of it. In fact, it was Cheolwoo, who had become independent earlier than me, who first cut off contact.

Chaerin was, of course, much better than those two, but ultimately, our relationship was limited to that degree.

Chaerin saw me as a substitute for her older brother, and what I offered her was merely the space beside me in a corner of the room. I wasn’t sure if that was enough. Probably not. Nothing was sufficient for me back in those days.

Chaerin didn’t expect much either. If she wished for too much, she might fear being abandoned again.

In the end, I was the one who first cut off contact with her. I hadn’t completely blocked all means of reaching me. There might have been a way for Chaerin to contact me through the Director. But while she may have blamed me, she never reached out. She knew. She understood.

And still, her brother hadn’t come to see her.

“We all knew it, right? That place wasn’t our life.”

“We all believed it. That place wasn’t our home.”

“I’m not exactly a proud person myself.”

“So we all cut each other out. And once severed, there’s no returning to that life.”

Just like the hair I cut off.

Chaerin muttered softly.

“Go back.”

“To daily life.”

“To life.”

“To a new story we’ve carved by excising our past.”

Because this is no longer our life.

“Indeed.”

So I sliced away my childhood. Because of that, I excised my memories. And thus, I had to forget my past. That was as easy as cutting my hair.

This place, that place was an interlude in my life.

It wasn’t the main story. It was a short episode, an epilogue, a single-act play. A prequel and a spinoff. It was a short enough tale.

Once started, it was a place I could never return to.

So now, this story had reached its end. It was complete.

It was time for the main story to restart.

After the conversation, Chaerin returned inside.

I needed to call a taxi right away, but for some reason, I didn’t feel like it, so I lingered around for a while.

Then, I unexpectedly discovered a small supermarket that could easily be mistaken for a hole-in-the-wall shop.

I entered the store as if possessed. I filled a basket entirely with ice cream and bought it.

When I returned to the funeral home, Chaerin was still there. She was chatting with a man I didn’t know.

Without hesitation, I barged between them, took hold of Chaerin’s hand, and presented her with a bag stuffed with ice cream.

“What is this?”

“Ice cream.”

I didn’t wait for a response. I left the funeral home just like that. The sky was dark. The stars were not visible. Still, the streets were still brightly lit.

Even when the story comes to a conclusion, people have their lives afterward.

That place surely wasn’t our life.

I believed it wouldn’t be.

It had to be so.

Yet just like always,

That too was life.

~

“Who’s that girl?”

Chaerin’s boyfriend asked her.

Chaerin chuckled slightly.

“My brother.”