Chapter 102

Day 3 of the Hunting Festival.

Raul Berze.

The name of a child I gave birth to but cannot say I raised. Every time I recalled that name after speaking with the Empress, my chest ached.

The Empress told me to see Raul for who he truly is.

…He was an abstinent child. A child who never threw a tantrum. A child who never got angry. Until the day I shattered his heart.

It was clear that his temperament was a result of my actions. His attitude of accepting pain as it is, his unsociable way of speaking, his unchanging expression—all of it was my doing.

“…Do you think it’s right to apologize?”

“Countess.”

The Empress, who was about to draw her sword, sheathed it and looked at me with a somewhat incredulous expression.

“Now, after knocking out my guards out of nowhere… sneaking in like an assassin, silencing your footsteps… and waking up someone who was exhausted and asleep while holding a sword…”

The Empress bit her lower lip, desperately holding back her anger, and spoke.

“Cutting to the chase… ‘Do you think it’s right to apologize?’…?”

“Yes, but.”

“Damn, it was genetic… Ah, I really should stop swearing now. But with all this around me, the curses just burst out like a flood… This hopeless bloodline…”

The Empress began muttering things I couldn’t understand.

I had only come for a consultation, and I merely dealt with the soldiers who tried to stop me.

It was the Empress who said I could come for a consultation anytime, and stopping me would be a form of treason.

“Sigh… Anyway, I’ll commend you for deciding to apologize.”

“…Should I do it right now?”

It was clear that I needed to apologize to that child.

For blaming the cause of my wounds on him. For trampling on his sincerity. For insulting the life he had lived.

There might be more, but I couldn’t think of anything beyond that.

If I were the kind of person who could think beyond that, I wouldn’t have been such a terrible mother.

“Well, even a formal apology should be done as soon as possible. Besides, Raul’s condition… No, it’s just better to do it quickly.”

Raul’s condition… He was unusually emotionally agitated.

It felt as if he was being chased by something, a sense of urgency.

“But you know how to apologize, right…?”

An apology…

I had neither received a proper one nor given one. My husband’s apologies were an exception.

So, it would be strange if I knew how to apologize properly.

…Come to think of it, my husband had once said something about apologies.

When Raul was a four-year-old child, a shabby-looking man once caused a scene, demanding to see my husband.

Such ruffians weren’t uncommon, so I was about to cut him down as usual… but my husband smiled and let him into the house.

The man knelt before my husband, ragged and repeatedly apologizing.

“Co-Count, I’m truly sorry… Th-that incident, I really have no words…”

“It’s fine. Since you came to apologize, it’s only right that I forgive you.”

My husband even gave the man money and sent him off politely.

“Who was that man?”

“He was a butler who served me when I was young. We played together, fished, and were quite close.”

“Then what was he apologizing for?”

“Because he ran away from me. There was a fire at the villa we went to for winter hunting, and he ran away, leaving me buried under the rubble.”

It was a story that defied common sense.

If a butler abandoned his master, it was an act of betrayal.

“…The pneumothorax I suffered then still troubles me, so I guess that’s that.”

“Why didn’t you kill him?”

“He came to apologize.”

“…That’s hypocrisy. If not, it must have been greed to show his master one last time and get something out of it.”

“Well, I can’t say I don’t understand your cynical view, but…”

My husband handed young Raul a honey candy and smiled as he answered.

“…I was satisfied with that alone, my lady.”

“But…”

“My lady, do you know what the bravest act in the world is?”

“…I don’t know.”

“It’s admitting your mistakes and apologizing, my lady.”

My husband patted both Raul’s and my heads as he continued.

“Those who have done wrong cling to excuses like a sword. For the same reason as in a real battlefield. The single reason of not wanting to get hurt.”

“…That might be true.”

“And the act of throwing away that sword. In a battlefield where you don’t know what will come at you, throwing away your weapon, standing naked, ready to take whatever comes. Bowing down, ready to accept any criticism. That is an apology, my lady.”

Nine out of ten things my husband said were incomprehensible to me.

And after carefully patting Raul, my husband looked at me and said,

“…My lady. If the day comes when you need to apologize to someone you’ve wronged, remember this. Not everyone is as soft as I am, so you shouldn’t place any expectations.”

……..Even now, I can’t understand those words.

But I partially understood the surface meaning.

“Countess…? You know how to apologize, right…?”

“You’re underestimating me. I remember everything my husband said.”

“If it’s something your mentor in that area said, then I feel a bit relieved. Now I don’t need to swear…”

“An apology is the act of standing before someone, stripping naked, and bowing down.”

“Good lord. There are two seriously ill people here.”

I had merely summarized my husband’s words.

Yet, the Empress cursed at me and then taught me in detail how to apologize.

Everything she said was new to me… but I decided to trust her.

It’s not that I wanted to resolve the lump in my chest. If this lump is the result of my actions, then accepting it is only natural.

I am apologizing because it’s the right thing to do. That’s all. I’ve been a terrible woman since birth.

“…Thank you for the advice.”

I bowed to the Empress as I left the barracks.

“And congratulations on your pregnancy.”

“…Why is it that both mother and son are so sharp…?”

After waiting outside for a long time, I finally met Raul, who had returned from the hunt.

Raul… looked very haggard. Compared to his days as the family head, he looked almost like a sick man. Why hadn’t I noticed?

No, I hadn’t cared. I’m the kind of person who turns away from pain.

Unlike my husband, I live a life of constant escape.

“Raul Berze.”

Is my voice coming out right?

It’s so cold and quiet, maybe he didn’t hear.

Such trivial worries tightened my chest.

“I have something to say.”

Where should I put my hands?

Where should I look?

I don’t know. I don’t know how I should act.

“…I won’t make excuses. I won’t justify myself. About the fact that I was a terrible mother.”

Regardless of who Raul’s biological father is, regardless of the shame in my life, it was clear that I was a terrible mother to Raul.

Looking at Raul as he truly is, as the Empress asked, all I saw was a child who grew up receiving not love but hatred from his mother.

I didn’t see the family head, the monster, the hero, or the usual icy demeanor. All I saw was the child who used to wait outside my door with a ball, peeking through the keyhole.

“…The countless words that hurt you, the actions that seemed almost cruel in their coldness, and all the impure thoughts I had while looking at you. I admit that they were all wrong.”

How can I dredge up all those things, like fish in a vast sea of memories?

I only know that they are countless.

I didn’t have the skill or courage to bring them up honestly and plainly.

“…It must all be due to my lack of virtue. You didn’t do anything wrong. All the bad parts of you now must have been created by me.”

Raul just stared at me without a word.

Just as I had done to him in the past.

Even as I poured out my honest feelings, he didn’t move a muscle.

“You can resent me. You can blame me if you want. If that doesn’t ease your anger, you can punish me until it does.”

“……”

“I don’t expect these words to mend our relationship. That’s not what I want from you. I just want to…”

“I wondered what you were saying.”

Raul didn’t even show me a cold gaze. His eyes, devoid of any warmth, just twitched slightly. He didn’t even show me coldness anymore.

“…Is that an apology?”

“I…”

“What a waste of time. I’ll take my leave now. I’m not so free as to listen to an apology that has forgotten its essence.”

Raul left like that.

“…Raul?”

He just left like that.

I don’t know.

Why did he leave?

I had decided to admit my mistakes and accept everything as I was told. I had promised to endure any blame or violence.

What essence had I forgotten?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

“Arthur…”

I missed my husband.

He would have surely given me the right answer.

“…I don’t know. Really.”

Trapped in a whirlwind of confusion, I became unable to do anything.