Chapter 100

Three days have passed since then.

Fortunately, my period ended the day after I returned home. The fact that I would have to go through this every month from now on was terrible, but for now, being free from it was enough.

Maybe it was a rebound from the mood swings I experienced during my period, but I felt inexplicably good now. First of all, the discomfort between my legs was gone, I didn’t have to wear pads anymore, I wasn’t feeling inexplicably depressed or moody, and there was no pain. I was happy to be free of all of it.

Hwa-won left after we had a meal together when we returned home. At that moment, I felt a little down because I was left alone, but it was much better than before.

After my period ended, it naturally led me to recall the ridiculous behavior I exhibited while I was on it, but the aftermath wasn’t as severe as I expected. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and foolish for what I did. I thought I would definitely feel embarrassed when I regained my senses, but when I actually did, I wasn’t that ashamed, nor did I feel bad.

Have I somewhat accepted my own changes? Have I gotten used to it? Is this what they call growth?

I didn’t know if this was growth or not, or whether it was good or bad.

Still, I didn’t feel bad.

After returning to normal, I contacted people around me and also got in touch with the hospital to receive additional vaccinations.

Everything felt like it would go smoothly.

So now it was time to wrap things up.

In front of me was the manuscript of “Seol-guk.” I had nearly finished it, but I needed to polish the ending more.

The conclusion wasn’t that difficult. It didn’t take long at all.

I fixed some minor parts and revised it. When I finished, I felt a sense of incompleteness. I couldn’t pinpoint what was lacking. Perhaps it was something I had lost and could no longer reclaim.

If I can’t reclaim it, then I shouldn’t seek it. It wasn’t giving up, resignation, or compromise. It was acceptance. If I lost something, I just needed to seek something new.

I thought to myself that this naive, positive thinking was an indication that I had truly lost my mind.

Once more, I read “Seol-guk” from start to finish. There was indeed a definite change.

When I first wrote it, the novel mocked women, revealing disdain and hatred towards them. The title “Seol-guk” was a sarcastic jab at that.

But now, this novel was speaking of pain, of love and reality. At this point, the title of this novel no longer had a meaning of mocking someone.

It was an appeal and a contradiction.

A child is not merely the cells of their parents.

There might be some similarities, but the direction, the subject, and the method all changed little by little. I didn’t like that change. I had to accept that something had definitely changed about me and it didn’t sit well with me.

Now, what should I do about this?

The contract with the publisher had ended anyway, and I needed to sign a new one, but I felt a bit lost. There might not be a publisher willing to sign a contract with me now. And would there even be a publisher willing to release such a novel?

I suddenly remembered the phone number Kim Sung-kyu had given me. It was the number of a friend who worked at Ji Kang Publishing. If I called, there might be more potential than with other publishers. I had received an award from there once.

But in the end, I shook my head.

The representatives of Ji Kang Publishing were Ji Kang-jin and Seomun-sook. Given how my previous encounter with Ji Kang-hyeon ended poorly, I felt guilty about getting involved again, not wanting to inadvertently cause any trouble because of me. Given the scandal I had already caused, they might even dislike me.

Still, at least I wasn’t in a situation where I was starving to death, so I thought to take it easy.

Just as I had that thought, my smartphone rang. At this moment?

It was the phone number I had just recently thought of. Surprised by the timing, I checked the unknown number. The number from Kim Sung-kyu was saved, so at least it wasn’t them.

“Hello.”

“…”

There was no response from the other end. Was it a prank call? I tried speaking again.

“Hello?”

“…Is it really you?”

The voice on the line belonged to a young woman. But it was an unfamiliar voice.

“Who is this?”

“It’s me, Oppa. I’m Chaerin.”

Your younger sister.

~

I’ve said it so many times that my mouth hurts, but I was an abandoned child. Naturally, I didn’t have a younger sister. Even if I did, I wouldn’t know.

So the term “younger sister” could only mean one thing.

An orphanage, a children’s home, a house of love. Whatever the name, it meant that place.

It was a child I lived with in that place.

“I obviously heard the news, but hearing your voice makes it feel real. Is it possible, Oppa, that someone else other than Seol-guk answered the phone?”

“…That’s me.”

I was a bit flustered, which was not like me. I never expected to receive such a call.

I wasn’t exactly a sociable person at the orphanage, and my circle of friends was extremely small. Chaerin was one of them.

As a child, I hadn’t grown enough intellectually, and compared to now, and certainly to my former self, I was relatively ‘less’ developed. What that meant could be easily inferred.

So at least, sitting in a corner of the orphanage reading books, I had enough kindness to offer my seat next to me to a little girl who liked books like me.

While I couldn’t help but feel an instinctual aversion even back then and wasn’t particularly friendly, Chaerin did tend to follow me around. Despite not having had any contact after we became independent.

“Well, that’s a relief. It feels a bit awkward, though.”

“What’s going on all of a sudden? How did you know my number?”

“I asked the director.”

“…The director gave you my number?”

That couldn’t be right. There was no way the director would casually give out my phone number without my permission. At the very least, they would have asked for my consent first. This kid must have been in her mid-twenties by now. She would’ve been independent long ago.

“Yes, generally that wouldn’t happen. To be precise, the director didn’t give it to me. I just received a separate compiled list. It seems no one reached out, after all.”

“…What’s going on?”

The tone of Chaerin’s voice carried a significant weight. By now, I couldn’t help but realize something was wrong.

“The director is very sick.”

…Everything felt like it was going smoothly.

“What kind of illness does she have?”

“It seems she won’t make it through this week.”

“That’s… nonsense. I spoke with her not long ago, and she didn’t mention anything like that.”

“She was hiding it.”

My heart started racing slightly. I felt scared of this pounding.

“She hasn’t been well for a long time. You probably wouldn’t have known since you haven’t visited her directly. Her condition suddenly worsened six months ago, and she had to go to the hospital.”

“What illness does she have?”

“Stage four pancreatic cancer.”

“That’s a lie.”

“So she already handed over the operation of the orphanage quite some time ago and has been receiving treatment at the hospital.”

The last time I called her was still less than six months ago. That means by then…

“Why didn’t… she tell me…?”

“You’re not the only one who is special. Almost no one knew. I only found out not long ago myself.”

“How did you find out?”

“You might not know, but apparently there have recently been sudden financial problems. It was said that a donation was supposed to come in, but it was abruptly cut off. When we were there, the director was healthy, and the orphanage was in good condition, but it seems it hasn’t been good in recent years.”

A donation that was supposed to come in got cut off.

I started connecting some thoughts. Lee Cheon must have threatened me with that. The moment I rejected him, he likely severed the promise of donations.

That wasn’t my fault, yet I couldn’t help but feel my head go blank.

“Anyway, because of that, while reaching out for help, I coincidentally heard the news. I’m not special in this situation. I managed to get this phone number by persuading someone. It looks like she planned to keep this hidden and leave without anyone knowing.”

“What hospital is she in?”

Chaerin gave me the address of a hospital. I quickly changed my clothes. I didn’t even think about grabbing a hat as I rushed outside. I didn’t have the mental space for that. I hadn’t ended the call yet.

“I’m contacting everyone else as well. You were the last one. I wanted at least to see her once before she passed.”

“…Everyone is coming?”

“Most of them.”

I had no intention of taking the subway. I immediately called a taxi. It was quite a distance, so it would cost a lot of money, but that wasn’t something to worry about right now.

I was confused. I was in pain and anxious.

Since I had felt good until earlier, it only made it worse. Shouldn’t I have been allowed a little lull as well?

I just wanted to scream.

Any kind of sound.