Chapter 73

“Wake up.”

There was a soft touch.

There was warmth.

Things I had never felt before.

“Mother…?”

“Is something wrong? You look like you’ve seen something you shouldn’t have.”

Mother… stroked my head.

Even if it was something ordinary to others, it wasn’t ordinary to me. It was something so detached from reality that I couldn’t even dream of it. Even in a dream, if you can’t imagine it, you can’t make it real. Just like a peaceful and just Empire.

“Just once…”

“Hmm?”

“Could you stroke my head… just once more?”

Without a word, Mother stroked my head. It was warm. This must be a dream. It must be a dream, but it was so warm. Reality was so cold, but this hand was warm.

Then maybe this is reality, and that coldness was the nightmare.

Don’t I have the right to enjoy this much? Isn’t the place where I couldn’t even enjoy such rights the real nightmare?

“Mother…”

I missed her. Isn’t it natural? She’s my mother.

What I hate is only the mother who was harsh to me. If only Mother had been a little warmer. If only Mother had reached out to me…

I wouldn’t have resented her.

“I had a nightmare…”

It was a terrible nightmare.

Layla died, people cursed me for such a loss, Mother was cold to me, I couldn’t even attend Father’s deathbed, and in the end, nothing remained by my side except my friends.

It was painful. It was sad. It was agonizing. I just desperately killed those emotions. That was the only way I could endure without going mad.

“It was a horrible nightmare. Mother showed me no affection, I couldn’t even attend Father’s deathbed, and the people of the world threw stones at me…”

“It’s okay.”

Warm fingers covered my mouth, as if to say there was no need to speak of such painful truths.

“It was all just a bad dream. Just as you don’t take anger to bed, don’t take nightmares out of bed.”

“Mother…”

“No one hates you. Father is fine, and I cherish you more than anyone. Forget all those absurd nightmares.”

This is what I wished for.

I wanted to act spoiled with Mother. I wanted to be by Father’s side. I didn’t want to hear people’s blame. Isn’t it natural? I’m human too.

I just desperately killed my emotions and lived. If I let anger take over, I would surely kill many people. I just didn’t want that.

I would kill the small sense of discomfort in my head, the feeling that reality wasn’t like this, and the rising terrible memories.

“Still, it must have been a terrible and absurd nightmare. Who would dare do such terrible things to our son?”

This warmth is reality to me. This must be reality. Something so cold and miserable couldn’t be reality.

—

“Brother, where are you going today?”

“I plan to go to the Imperial Palace.”

“Meeting friends again? You’re really one with them.”

“Well, on the battlefield, we fought as one, so it’s not entirely wrong.”

And so, I boarded the carriage and headed to the Imperial Palace.

As soon as I arrived at the palace, I was met with gazes full of awe and admiration, and greetings filled with respect.

“It’s an honor to meet you, Lord Raul. To see the face of the hero who fought valiantly on the battlefield…”

“Lord Raul, if you have time, please visit our family…”

“Lord Raul, if you’re still looking for a spouse…”

I didn’t dislike it. I didn’t dislike this reaction. You might think it’s ugly, but I’m human too, so I didn’t dislike this reaction.

At least it’s better than being blamed and hated. It’s better than scorn and contempt. I thought this was better because I’m weak and foolish.

Even if this is a lie within a lie.

“Long time no see, Raul.”

“We saw each other just last week, Your Majesty.”

“If we don’t see each other for a week, it’s like ten years, right? We saw each other so much on the battlefield that it made me sick.”

“If seeing me so much made you sick, maybe it’s better to see me less.”

“That’s like a bad smell. You can’t stop smelling it even though it makes you frown…”

“Let’s stop with the dirty talk.”

Even though we were shoulder to shoulder, His Majesty was still His Majesty. I couldn’t treat him casually, but His Majesty seemed to think the opposite.

And so, I followed His Majesty to the tea party in the garden. Though it was more of a drinking party with just us.

It was a crude gathering where we poured strong alcohol into a little tea under the pretext of adding alcohol to tea. Of course, it was lovable because of that.

“Finally, the boys are here.”

“Her Majesty the Empress?”

“I’ve been waiting so long I’ve already downed a few bottles. Who in the world is late to a drinking party? That’s why you’re still single.”

Her Majesty the Empress, already quite drunk, greeted us with a red face.

“Don’t get married, Raul.”

“Why should I?”

“You just saw it, damn it.”

His Majesty looked truly disgusted, and Her Majesty walked over on two feet, filled her mouth with strong alcohol, and kissed His Majesty.

Then she poured the alcohol into His Majesty’s mouth, and he had no choice but to swallow it.

“… You two are still hot for each other.”

“It’s Her Majesty’s head that’s hot.”

“If you’re late to a drinking party, you have to catch up with punishment drinks, don’t you know?”

I wondered if this was the kind of talk that should come out at an Imperial Palace tea party, but it didn’t matter anymore. This place was just endlessly enjoyable. That’s all that mattered. In this place, dignity and etiquette were nothing but trash.

“Raul…”

“Camilla?”

“You should have a punishment drink too, right?”

Camilla also approached me with her mouth full of strong alcohol.

“… How vulgar. Try to remember some dignity and etiquette.”

I desperately ran away and eventually had to agree to empty a bottle of strong alcohol on my own.

Of course, Camilla seemed a bit disappointed with the compromise, but I couldn’t kiss her. Kissing or mingling with an unmarried woman? That was a beastly and vulgar act.

I heard that the youngest son of a noble family became a different person after an accident and started seducing women, but I wasn’t that shameless. No, to be honest, I despised such men.

“Still, this kind of alcohol is strong.”

If I had to choose, I preferred wine. Especially noble wine, which I would pay extra for. But I didn’t particularly like strong whiskey with a strong peat flavor.

Unlike the smooth flow of wine, the lingering sensation of whiskey in my throat was quite bothersome. Human relationships might be the same. I disliked those who were smooth and those who left a rough feeling.

In other words, I also disliked those who disliked me. It might sound childish, but I couldn’t help it. I’m human too. I dislike what I dislike and like what I like.

“That’s why I prepared this for you.”

His Majesty had the servants bring out a white wine that even I couldn’t easily obtain.

In the dizzying sweetness, there was a fragrance that seemed to condense all the fruits of the world. As I drank it, the aroma spread throughout my body, and a calm sweetness began to linger in my mouth.

Even if the expression is complicated, it just means it’s the type of alcohol I like.

“It seems our friend is going to finish off this expensive alcohol.”

“Since I saved the country, isn’t it okay to enjoy this much?”

“It feels like the country you saved from war will be ruined by financial difficulties.”

“If the country falls because of the alcohol I drink, then the country’s level is just that.”

“Your way with words is truly something.”

I was happy. The sweetness of this alcohol couldn’t surpass the sweetness of this happiness. The aroma of this alcohol couldn’t surpass the pleasant atmosphere.

I was so happy and joyful that I almost cried. Instinctively, I stopped the tears from flowing, but I couldn’t stop the corners of my mouth from rising.

“Raul, what’s wrong? Why are you suddenly laughing like a maniac? It’s creepy.”

“Did someone hit you? Why are you laughing after drinking expensive alcohol?”

“Raul, hey, did you fight with someone? Why are you suddenly laughing?”

I don’t know exactly, but my smiling face seemed to bring some discomfort.

“Please don’t smile unless it’s something special. A smiling Raul is as unpleasant as a pizza with fruit on it.”

“Is my smiling face really that unpleasant?”

“Raul, what do you think if Camilla studies etiquette hard?”

“It would definitely be unpleasant.”

“Hey, you bitches!”

No matter how the other person felt, the corners of my mouth kept rising. I couldn’t suppress this happiness.

I had suppressed it all my life, but I didn’t want to suppress this happiness now.

In this happy reality, I was able to laugh out loud for the first time.

Even if this is a dream.

I wanted to make this sweetness that made me laugh into reality.