Chapter 5

Yesterday, the day before, last week, and last month, it was the same desk and study I saw.

Even though I kept seeing them, I knew I wouldn’t be able to see them soon, so I observed them again, but I didn’t feel anything particularly special. Even if they boast a long history, they’re just old things.

No matter how nicely you wrap it up, you can’t change the essence inside.

Even if you wrap our relationship with the word “family,” the essence itself is a relationship worse than strangers.

“I knew you’d come.”

Mother looked down at me with her usual cold face. If I stood up now, I could meet her gaze, but I didn’t feel the need to.

“Yes. After causing such an incident, it’s only natural you’d come.”

“It’s natural, so I said I knew you’d come.”

At least the conversation with Mother wasn’t sticky. That’s why I liked it, and that’s why I hated it.

This clear-cut conversation was concise, which I liked, but at the same time, it was cold, which I hated. I don’t like the cold.

“…You’re shameless. No, you’ve always been like that.”

“If your impression of me is the purpose of your visit, it’s hard to understand. If you tell me the purpose of your visit, which isn’t a new impression, I’ll do my best to take measures.”

I, being dull, didn’t have the talent to understand the metaphors nobles use. So I preferred direct conversations.

In that regard, Mother’s concise way of speaking was easy to understand, but today seemed to be an exception.

“If you’ve come to curse me to resolve your anger, I’ll listen. If you want to slap me for a more efficient resolution of anger, I’ll take it.”

“……”

At Mother’s silence, I recalled my slip of the tongue and spoke again.

“I assumed you’d already heard from Rizel about why I didn’t speak. If you haven’t heard, I apologize for my rudeness and will start over.”

Why did I think that as family, we’d share everything? I was foolish.

“No. I heard everything. No, I came here because I heard that story.”

“…Is that so?”

“You’re consistent to the end.”

“That’s an expression I can’t understand.”

“No, there’s no need for that. Just listen. We don’t expect you to understand anymore.”

That was quite a relief. There’s nothing more frustrating than not knowing there’s an area you can’t understand.

Since she’s aware of that, the conversation that follows probably won’t be tiring.

“Your younger sister seems dissatisfied that you silently took the position of family head and left, but my thoughts are a bit different.”

“Different, you say?”

“It means I’m relieved you’re leaving. Now, this tedious arguing, the disillusionment I feel seeing you, and hearing your emotionless voice will finally be over.”

She was sharp.

And it was a bit unexpected. I didn’t know Mother could speak with such pent-up emotions.

The emotion on Mother’s face, who criticized me for being consistent, was different from usual. What emotion is that? I couldn’t understand.

“When you didn’t attend your father’s deathbed.”

It was true.

“When you killed the Former Emperor and your sister’s fiancé for the current Emperor.”

What excuse could I make for that?

“When you recommended that whore for the position of Empress instead of your sister.”

There was some room to refute this statement, but I chose not to. I thought there was no need to make a response that would obviously lead to a fight.

“You had the same expression then. That expression with no trace of emotion.”

“Mother.”

I couldn’t guess what would come next.

The conversation we’re having now wasn’t what I expected. That’s why I didn’t want to listen.

There’s nothing as fatal as an unexpected attack. And words aren’t much different from attacks.

“I’m really scared of you.”

“…Is that so?”

Indeed.

Today, I learned something new. A new monstrosity called “fear” has settled into our relationship, which I thought would remain the same forever, like this study.

No, it’s probably been there for a long time, like the desk in front of me, but I just didn’t see it. I was a blind man with open eyes.

“What I’m about to say is solely about my schedule. Will you listen?”

Even though there’s no way she’d listen, something boiling inside me forced those words out.

Of course, this was an excuse. Both realizing she wouldn’t listen and forcing those words out were my doing.

“This has been discussed for quite some time.”

The specific discussion happened around last winter.

“Thanks to preparing in advance, I’ll be leaving in half a month.”

Mother remained silent. Her expression was as cold as ever.

“You don’t need to know where I’m going, so I won’t tell you. You probably won’t remember anyway. But there’s not much I can take with me. So I plan to leave behind everything unnecessary.”

What I’m taking is a few sets of clothes, a cane, and some trivial knick-knacks. I plan to leave everything else behind.

“The position of family head, which is too much for someone who couldn’t even attend Father’s deathbed.”

Yes. This position is too much for me. It’s a position utterly unsuitable for someone who spent long years on the battlefield.

“The wealth and honor that don’t suit someone who killed the Former Emperor and my sister’s fiancé.”

Even a dishonorable person like me could leave behind the traces of achievements made on the battlefield. Now, I want to let go of those. I want to leave for a place where no one knows me.

“This castle, which doesn’t suit the cold-hearted person who recommended a woman other than my sister for the position of Empress.”

I plan to sever the ties between me, a disgrace to the family, and this family. So that the numerous mistakes I, a fool, made won’t harm the family anymore.

“I’ll leave it all behind.”

“…Are you protesting now?”

“I’ve never held enough resentment to do something like that. And I’m not that brave.”

I’m not the kind of person to rebel against Mother.

I just have a small stubbornness to convey the truth.

“…Why did I give birth to a monster like you?”

“Mother. Since my birth wasn’t by my will, I can’t apologize for it.”

I knew well that apologizing for something that wasn’t my responsibility would be deceitful.

“But if me surviving and returning from the battlefield is the cause of all this misfortune.”

But even if it wasn’t my intention, if my involvement led to misfortune.

“I apologize for not dying and returning alive.”

That was something I should apologize for.

“You’re deceiving me to the end.”

“…I’ve said it many times, but I don’t like deceiving others.”

But Mother didn’t believe my words. I could tell just by her expression.

“When I was very young, I also enjoyed reading novels like other girls.”

“Is that so?”

“But at that time, most novels were about characters who entered the bodies of characters from the novels they read.”

I hadn’t read many novels, so I couldn’t affirm or deny that. I wasn’t in an environment where I could read such things.

“If our lives are also someone’s story…”

Mother stared at me with eyes colder than usual.

“I wish someone who read this story would enter your body.”

For the first few seconds, I couldn’t understand what she meant. But soon, even my dull mind understood what it meant.

“…Indeed.”

I felt a bit lighter knowing what Mother wished for.

“I’m sorry, but my life hasn’t been interesting enough for someone to take an interest in.”

“You’re deceiving me to the end.”

Even if I said it was a misunderstanding, Mother probably wouldn’t change her mind.

“There’s no point in saying more to a monster who’s never cried. Go ahead and leave. That’ll be best for all of us.”

With those final words, Mother left my study. It wasn’t a long conversation, but I learned a lot from it.

After Mother left, I cleaned the desk and organized the documents as usual.

Then I went to the cage to feed the crow.

“Hey, is that really your mom?”

“Biologically, yes. If you need a doctor’s certificate, I can get it for you.”

“Just because she gave birth to you doesn’t make her a mom, you idiot! Didn’t you hear what she just said? She said she wished someone would enter your body! That’s just saying she wants you to die, damn it!”

“Yes. I’m not so foolish as to not understand that.”

Whatever was frustrating, the crow wrapped its wings around its face and let out a groan.

“Ugh… this frustrating bastard…”

“Is that your impression of me?”

Of course, even if it was, it didn’t matter much.

“I don’t mind. Being called a frustrating bastard is one of the more polite insults I’ve heard. And being told to die is something I hear often…”

As I was about to finish speaking, my vision blurred for a moment.

Thinking something might have gotten in my eye, I brought my hand to my eye and felt a slight wetness on my fingertip.

“…Indeed.”

I thought I’d gotten used to it.

I thought I’d gotten used to being told to die.

“It seems Mother was wrong.”

I realized that the same words have different effects depending on who says them.

If this had happened while Mother was here, would she have corrected her words? But it was a meaningless assumption, and the result was also hard to guess.

“Your mom’s not wrong, she’s just crazy!”

“There’s nothing wrong in the world. There are just things that are different and things that are disliked.”

I’m just very different from the people in this family, and I’m someone they dislike.

Now, that fact will soon become meaningless.

“Ugh, damn it. What kind of family treats their son like this? Even if they picked up some street urchin, they wouldn’t treat them like this, you know.”

“That’s also a meaningless assumption.”

If I hadn’t gone to the battlefield, if I had attended Father’s deathbed, if I hadn’t killed the Former Emperor and my sister’s fiancé, if I had recommended my sister for the position of Empress.

Those were all meaningless assumptions, no different from this.

“Just like I have no meaning in this assumption.”

“…You really have no talent for jokes.”

“Sorry. I’m far from such things.”

It’s not that I dislike Mother or my sister.

Just like fire is hot and ice is cold, Mother and my sister just dislike me.

Just as no one gets angry at fire for being hot, I don’t need to get angry either.