Chapter 242

Acolyte Camilla was hope.

A very small fragment. The one that remained alone in Pandora’s box, hope.

Acolyte Camilla searched for a single spark even in ruins that were now nothing but ashes.

Despair, grief, sorrow… all the people filled with these emotions had long ago departed. That spark, no matter how it was sought, could never brighten the world again.

On the other side of the ruins, people living across the irretrievable river were doing well. They lived in a world where a spark was unnecessary, where small flames that had yet to extinguish did not matter at all. They were already sitting by a roaring fire.

This was not the place. Hadn’t we dragged the entire world into a blazing inferno?

In a world where everything had burned away, trees, homes, and even a single leaf that had fallen by the roadside were all consumed by fire and used as firewood. In a world where death and life consumed one another rapidly, even the kindling that should have slowly burned the flame of hope had been entirely spent.

In short, there was nothing left to burn. Our world had become mere firewood, all burned away and vanished. We found it difficult to bear any disturbance that did not serve that necessity.

As all the firewood disappeared, people began to enter the dying flames. It was unbearable.

Even after burning people, the fire inevitably went out. No matter how much one rummaged through kindling, it had cooled to such an extent that not a single spark could be found.

The world seemed to have abandoned us. The military clergy who survived just like me and the wounded soldiers who came to the Holy Empire following us.

All shared something lost, something taken away, only to lose more. They were loss itself. Could there be a more miserable existence than to embody loss?

I nearly closed my eyes in that ashes. Because I needed the darkness of atonement more than the ember of hope.

The bright society across the irretrievable river did not match with me. There, darkness could not be found or was merely artificial.

More than anything, my head throbbed with unbearable pain. My heart churned, and no matter how hard I tried to stay composed, it would have been a stroke of luck if I managed not to die.

Acolyte Camilla willingly rummaged through all around, searching for the ember of hope amidst it all. She gently prodded at my heart, just enough not to be uncomfortable, running around energetically to find a spark…

But what did that mean?

The ember, or even the ashes that still held a little warmth, were necessary for Acolyte Camilla. Conversely, they were utterly useless to me.

Acolyte Camilla found an ember amidst it all. She searched for the very hope that remained alone in the box after Pandora had carelessly opened and abruptly closed it.

…What did that mean?

However, Acolyte Camilla kept looking for it. She would check here and check there… if only she had at least held back a little.

Such behavior from Acolyte Camilla appeared laughable. Searching for the ember of hope in a world where even the spark had long vanished, where everything had burned away, resembled the hypocrisy of seeing someone who had never lost before.

Looking back now, it seemed the most hypocritical one was me.

So, yes.

On that day, much like any other day, Acolyte Camilla strived to find hope and began a conversation with me to instill that ember of hope within me.

I exploded. Those who had never existed were quicker to react, and at that time, my boiling point was exceptionally low.

What on earth do you think you’re doing? There is no such thing as hope. No matter how hard you try, the golden days we loved and you cherished will never return.

No matter how hard you try, you will not find hope. Don’t try to force hope to rise in a desperate situation.

Cruel words became daggers, nailing deeply into Acolyte Camilla’s chest. It felt as though bright red blood flowed from that place.

That day, the kind female priest searching for the ember called hope…

Barely managing to keep her life, ultimately lost her entire future.

Acolyte Camilla said,

“You killed her.”

I killed her.

*

“It was somewhat anticipated, wasn’t it?”

Cesar followed me out onto the streets of the Holy Empire, just like yesterday.

Having sent Helena off with relief, Cesar was a persistent presence that clung to me. He was more than annoying, not less than Helena.

Cesar’s unyielding specter no longer caused me pain. The issue was that everything Cesar blabbed became the fruits of thoughts swirling in my mind.

“You think you killed Acolyte Camilla and feel deep guilt about it, but you’re actually pouring your energy into forgetting that fact.”

“……”

“It’s not that I don’t understand. Your state back then… what should I say… the fact that a corpse freshly deceased looked more lively than you.”

On the day Acolyte Camilla threw herself in front of me, I crushed something that was growing in my heart.

I told myself to let go of my futile feelings, to spend the rest of my life living in atonement… and thus I entranced myself into something close to hypnosis.

Ironically, that which I desperately tried to erase was the very small fragment of hope Acolyte Camilla sought from me. Its sorrow and pain became unbearable.

Therefore, I tried to forget. I wanted to escape from the sin I committed, but that was certainly impossible; I could not escape.

Like Helena, Acolyte Camilla, who wished to forgive me, had fallen into a state where she could no longer hear any pleas for forgiveness from me. She was reduced to lying still, with her eyes closed, merely breathing.

It was unbearable to carry that guilt. Once upon a time, I would visit Acolyte Camilla’s hospital room every morning.

I hoped she would wake up today. I wished she would wake up tomorrow. I was wrong. Since I was at fault, please awaken and let me pay for my sins.

Even that was something Acolyte Camilla wouldn’t permit, as she lay there silently, not moving, even as I wept and muttered words of atonement.

Thus, I chose to reveal my sins and face the wrath of others. It was for that reason I detailed my time with Acolyte Camilla in the form of a diary.

Of course, I ended up abandoning that partway through because I questioned its meaning.

Acolyte Camilla’s actions were all directed toward me. The guilt sharpened like an arrowhead and prodded at my heart.

I had come to face someone I believed I killed, besides Helena; someone I had effectively killed. It was painful.

“Shall we sit for a moment?”

Cesar spoke up. I stopped rummaging through the ashes of past memories. There was a bench there, long and covered in the snow that had fallen yesterday.

Was it that no one came here? After all, on such a cold winter day, there wouldn’t be anyone stupid enough to come all the way out here and just sit around.

I went over and brushed the snow off the bench. The clean surface of the bench was soon revealed.

“Priest. You’re practicing blessed deeds.”

“May the Lord’s grace be with you.”

Seeing me like that, passing citizens from the Holy Empire bowed their heads in gratitude. I was merely clearing the snow to sit, yet because I wore the priest’s robe, my actions were transformed into a good deed.

I did not like it. Not at all.

I plopped down onto the bench where snow had completely been cleared. Cesar, who sat next to me, had already finished munching on a biscuit-like snack.

It was a biscuit I had seen many times before. The kind issued as rations. It wasn’t bad when eaten with salt, but in the chaotic battlefield where one’s soul was drained, nothing was more valuable. In times of poor supply, the only thing to find was bread made from ground dried turnips.

“Yesterday was quite good. It was evidence that you finally made a step forward.”

“……”

“However, now you must face another problem. Once you start something, you have a personality that sees it through to the end.”

As Cesar said, I intended to resolve everything in the Holy Empire.

Even knowing that it might tighten around me like a noose.

“However I think about it, it’s strange. Why did that young female priest hold such an antagonistic attitude toward you? Have you never thought about that even once?”

I ignored Cesar’s words and absorbed the sight of the snow-covered park. Water collected in the fountain that wouldn’t run was frozen into sparkling ice.

“It’s because of your karma that this happened. You were hypocritical, but surprisingly arrogant as well.”

“……”

Arrogant…

Yes, when you think about it, that might be the case.

“It’s not that it might be; your actions were outright arrogance.”

“Shut your mouth…”

“No, listen to me. I’m not bringing this up to stir your temperament. If anything, this Cesar Li sitting here is an existence created from your thoughts. Right now, the Cesar Li here has been fashioned in your mind.”

I had no words to respond. I chose instead to simply remain silent.

“The reason you presided over the exorcism for that young, ill-mannered female priest is ultimately due to that trivial feeling, isn’t it? Am I wrong?”

“……”

“You must have acted that way because you were plagued by guilt. Your mind would have tried to forget it in any way possible, but you knew it the moment you heard her name, didn’t you?”

The resemblance in eye features, the facial features resembling Acolyte Camilla, the black hair and pale eyes reminiscent of Acolyte Camilla.

“No matter how quickly you run, there’s no paradise where you’ve fled.”

As Cesar said, there was no paradise where one flees.

“The reason you are here, sitting foolishly, rests upon that too.”

Having eaten all the biscuits in his hand, Cesar turned to me, his bloodied face becoming more and more grotesque.

“Otherwise, there would be no reason for you to stubbornly sit in the park in front of the church to which she belongs.”

– Ding—!

The bell rang clearly. The few remaining doves fluttered and took off.

And the reason I was here.

From afar, I spotted a familiar face approaching. I slowly rose and waved to her.

She emerged from the church hugging a Bible, and upon seeing me, stiffened for a moment in surprise, then returned to her usual expression and approached me.

“Head Priest Antoinneri? What brings you here…?”

“…Priest Camilla.”

I called her by name.

“I want to talk about your sister… Acolyte Camilla.”

The name of the person who was searching for hope.