Chapter 193

I had been receiving psychological counseling for quite a long time. Basically, it was free since it was supported by the government, so there was no burden. However, I didn’t think anyone would expect this kind of ending.

The counselor was quite a decent person. But in the end, I couldn’t fully open up my heart. Because of that, I couldn’t say everything.

Perhaps, if I had a bit more time, I might have been able to open my heart. But counseling suddenly ended before that time could come.

“I’m sorry.”

The counselor said they were quitting due to family issues. While we hadn’t formed a particularly deep bond, it still felt a bit disappointing and sad. More than anything, they were quitting because of a bad situation.

“It can’t be helped. They say your mother is sick.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

As the counseling session that was supposed to end as usual progressed, the counselor appeared to hesitate, contemplating their words, before finally speaking up.

“…Please consider this my last counseling session. Even after I leave, I hope you continue to receive counseling. Seol-guk, you are currently in a very stable state and seem mentally healthy. But I can’t be sure if that will remain true in the future. The pain of the heart cannot be healed in a moment. You never know where the problems may lie.”

“I’ll think about it. Thank you for everything until the end.”

“Yes… then, goodbye.”

With a bittersweet expression, the counselor left the room. Did they sense that I would no longer seek counseling?

I had no plans to continue counseling anymore. It wasn’t that I had judged myself to be perfectly fine. However, starting anew with a different counselor now felt inefficient, and I didn’t want to go through that.

Strictly speaking, I could have protested, but I didn’t. Unlike just a few days ago, I felt quite stable now and had nothing left to worry about. I had almost become whole.

What remained were not my feelings, but rather practical issues.

Finding a new place to move, conceptualizing a new work, and Hwa-won’s move to America, among others.

Then, a few days later, Hwa-won brought me good news regarding that last issue.

It wasn’t an outing over drinks; it was just a casual meeting where Hwa-won came to my house, shared a meal, and then we parted ways. From the moment I saw her, Hwa-won had been wearing a rarely seen hopeful expression.

“I think it will work out.”

“What will?”

“The promise with my father.”

In that instant, my heart raced. Seeing Hwa-won smile so cheerfully and confidently made my heart beat uncontrollably. It wasn’t strange to feel that way since the issue I had worried about the most was being resolved.

I didn’t want to admit it, but it might actually be true. I had no particular dislike for it anymore. It had just become so natural.

I was quite dependent on Hwa-won. She was always my only friend, and now, without Muk Ha-neul, the only person who truly knew me was Hwa-won. I needed Hwa-won. Even though I had become my own person, I couldn’t forget the previous version of myself.

So, it was entirely natural for my heart to race.

After a while, the racing subsided. It was only a brief moment.

“I got some help.”

“What kind of help? From whom? Did you, by any chance, meet Professor Seo?”

“That’s part of it, but it’s a bit different. Initially, Seollin helped me.”

Ah… I see. It seems like the relationship with his fiancée is still good. Well, I wasn’t too worried about that. Hwa-won was still meeting with women, after all. In the end, Seollin was just one of them.

“It seems like you two are still close. But how? Isn’t she just a senior in high school?”

“I don’t know the details. I think my words came out a little sharp. What if she misunderstands? That wasn’t directed at Hwa-won.”

“She’s fluent in both Korean and English. I showed her a short story I wrote based on ‘The Fisherman’s Tale,’ and it seems she translated it.”

“She translated it…?”

“And she showed it to her mother, who liked it and sent it to a publisher.”

…But I thought you hated that sort of thing. I had a question I couldn’t bring myself to voice. Didn’t you despise those kinds of things? Didn’t you want to solve everything solely with your own strength?

I didn’t understand.

Why did it happen suddenly?

I subtly asked without showing any signs.

“Wow, are they trying to give her some recognition there?”

Was that too blunt? Maybe my displeasure was revealed a bit. But Hwa-won seemed uninterested in my attitude and continued speaking.

“No, it wasn’t anything that formal, she just showed it to them, and the feedback was pretty good.”

“That’s not something your father would be impressed by.”

“So, I consulted with Professor Seo.”

“But you…”

You don’t like Professor Seo. He doesn’t like you either.

That’s why I was so surprised when I heard from Eun-a that Hwa-won had gone to Professor Seo’s house. They both despised each other. Hwa-won and Professor Seo were like mismatched puzzle pieces that would never fit together.

And yet, you directly asked him for counseling?

“I wanted to find a way somehow. So, I bowed my head. In front of that guy. It made me feel sick. But it was somewhat amusing that he dropped his phone in surprise. He said he was playing a game when it happened, and that felt a little good.”

…You weren’t the kind of person who would act that lowly.

“So, what happened?”

“I talked to Professor Seo and also to someone from that American publishing house. For now, it will be after ‘The Fisherman’s Tale’ is fully translated, but if it goes well, I think we can secure a contract. And my mother said she would translate it herself. She’s Korean, after all.”

It was a miraculous event. Truly amazing luck. I should congratulate Hwa-won.

“Congratulations. That’s amazing. I knew you could do it.”

I felt those words should come out, but somehow, not a single one did. It was clear that I wished for Hwa-won not to go to America. So why? Why did I feel this way?

“Seems like you have a good relationship with your mother?”

“No, it’s not like that. I haven’t met her much. Her personality is a bit eccentric. That’s why she usually doesn’t show up. She disappeared quickly even at the engagement party.”

“Then your fiancée must really like you.”

“It’s a hassle, to be honest. But she’s genuinely thankful for this.”

I was feeling uneasy. If Hwa-won succeeds, he wouldn’t have to go to America. But if he becomes closely connected with his fiancée’s family like this? What does that mean? In the end, wouldn’t he just marry his fiancée and leave this country?

It wasn’t an unusual thought.

The reason I couldn’t understand why Hwa-won was pleading so humbly was precisely this.

Hwa-won was important to me. I was likely important to her as well.

But the weight of that importance was definitely different.

What I carried felt much larger and more grotesque. Hwa-won’s burdens seemed smaller and purer.

I supported her because she was my friend. I helped her because she was my friend.

Was Hwa-won really my friend? Or was she something more than that?

There was no doubt.

But what was I to Hwa-won? Just a friend? Or something more?

It didn’t need to be said.

To Hwa-won, I was just a friend. I might be considered a best friend, but nothing beyond that.

So, it wouldn’t be possible for Hwa-won to humbly bow her head for me like that.

If I had to express the feeling I had at that moment in a single word, it would be inferiority.

I could never provide that kind of help. I could never do what she did.

I didn’t think Hwa-won would expect my help and chose not to give her any.

It was simply because I had nothing to offer. That was what I hated most—being just an orphan with nothing to my name.

We were supposed to maintain a 1:1 ratio. If Hwa-won gave, I should repay. If I gave, Hwa-won should repay. That rule had never been stated explicitly or enforced. Yet we had been unconsciously abiding by it.

That was not the case now. Right now, I was only receiving from Hwa-won. I had nothing to give her. Not even one thing.

And so, right now, I disliked that girl called Yoo Seol-rin. I thought so. I knew it was an ugly, foolish, and absurd feeling, but I couldn’t control my own emotions. I felt pathetic for being this way.

I hated that girl who resembled me.

I wanted to give Hwa-won something.

“Congratulations.”

I said,

“That’s amazing, really.”

Unwanted words came forth,

“I knew you could do it.”

Without any genuine meaning,

“You’re truly Hwa-won.”

I was conveying that.

Fortunately, since Hwa-won was too elated, she didn’t seem to notice it. I hoped that would be the case.

~

“Did I talk too much about myself?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“You should share something too. I heard that girl and Ji Kang-hyeon came to visit before?”

“Um, yeah.”

My dark emotions subsided for a moment, and when Hwa-won spoke, I answered with a bright face. I stuffed those dirty feelings into a corner. I didn’t need them. I wouldn’t burden Hwa-won anymore. I decided not to trouble myself with negative feelings in a stable situation.

I’m okay.

When I brought up the story of the past to Hwa-won, she gave a slightly puzzled expression. It seemed she didn’t understand? I thought it was a strange story too. Why would Ji Kang-hyeon suddenly come here?

“Well, I need to move quickly. Isn’t your address a bit too well-known?”

“But even if I move, my hair color will make it easy to pinpoint my address again, right?”

“Then we should move to a place with tight security?”

Ah, so that was the issue. I had certainly felt that living in this house was quite noticeable. Thankfully, it wasn’t an area with bad security. It could become dangerous if anyone had bad intentions.

“By the way, that actor Ji Kang-hyeon suddenly grew really tall.”

“It’s amazing. But he was still a bit shorter than you.”

“Did you measure it?”

“Just based on how it feels.”

“Introduce me to him later.”

“Why?”

“Having celebrity connections sounds cool.”

In Hwa-won’s usual manner of speaking, there was no sense of discomfort.

“Right.”

I nodded absentmindedly.