Chapter 179

Perhaps not everything was entirely Ham Yejin’s fault. As I looked at her, how did I accept her? Was I a person who could stand proudly in front of Ham Yejin?

Let’s think coldly. Did I truly see Ham Yejin sincerely, as a friend or a benefactor? No, I was searching for something from her.

It wasn’t easy to say definitively. It was so obvious that she wasn’t my mother. Yet, it’s undeniable that I sought the fragments of maternal love I had never experienced from her. I might have felt the love of a mother I longed for in her gentle presence.

I had the same thoughts about Muk Ha-neul and Ham Yejin.

I was a pretty wretched man. Just a little kindness would remind me of my mother. What an awful mama’s boy I was.

At this rate, I couldn’t claim to be a complete victim. The fact that I had such thoughts meant that, in a sense, I was also an accomplice.

However, there was a significant difference between me and them.

To me, Muk Ha-neul was Muk Ha-neul until the very end, and Ham Yejin was Ham Yejin until the very end.

It seemed as though it wasn’t the same for them.

To Muk Ha-neul, I was close to an object of faith.

To Ham Yejin, I was a substitute for the child she lost or killed.

I told Muk Ha-neul, “I will love you,” but since everything changed, even when I was out of my mind or now that my mind has somewhat returned, I couldn’t feel love or even something similar towards Muk Ha-neul.

There were moments when I saw a mother beyond Ham Yejin that I had not met, but there was never a moment when she was not Ham Yejin to me.

We had drifted too far apart. It might be too late to realize it. Maybe we should never have met in the first place.

If I had realized a little earlier, I might have punched Muk Ha-neul a couple of times, rejected her confession, and remained just ordinary upperclassman and junior. I might have struck her quite a bit and gotten very angry; our relationship might have been terrible for a while, but perhaps we could have returned.

If I had realized a little earlier, I might have had the time to understand Ham Yejin’s heart and wounds. Then I could have comforted Ham Yejin, while also being angry, and maybe we would have gone a little while without seeing each other. In that case, we might have been able to return to a normal friendship.

Now, it has become a meaningless story.

It has turned into a story of no use whatsoever.

“I… maybe I didn’t only think of you as a friend.”

“…”

“Perhaps I sought a motherly role from you.”

“…”

“But I didn’t regard you as a substitute for my mother.”

“…”

“You were too different from my mother.”

“…”

So, that’s it. You were too kind. Different from my mother.

“I might also be an accomplice in this matter.”

“That’s…”

In my words, a painful glimmer of hope appeared on Ham Yejin’s face. Perhaps there was a chance this could be reversed.

At that moment, I thought of stabbing a knife into that heart.

“But I’m sorry.”

“…”

“I really hate the very existence of a mother.”

“… I suppose.”

As if she realized what I was trying to say, Ham Yejin’s expression became despairing.

“I won’t deny any of the kindness you’ve shown me. Ham Yejin, you were my benefactor and my friend. Even if you can’t think that way, I will believe it. I won’t forget that fact for the rest of my life.”

“That means…”

“I’ll forgive you.”

Ah, that statement, a smart woman like Ham Yejin couldn’t possibly misunderstand. It didn’t mean forgiveness; it meant saying we can no longer do anything and that everything is over. It was a declaration to settle all relations between us.

It was the most brutal statement in the world.

“Let’s not see each other again.”

Thus, I pronounced the end of a story. We conveyed to her that this is where it ends.

Ham Yejin cried. Yet, she did not cry until the end. Tears fell from her eyes, but still, she was not truly crying.

So, that wasn’t tears; it was rain.

~

Everything didn’t end like a novel there. However, it was as if it had.

I informed her that I would leave this house as soon as possible, and Ham Yejin replied to do as she wished. It was her saying that if I wanted, I could continue living in this house.

Naturally, I had no intention of accepting that, but I didn’t force myself to say it. I had already stabbed a knife into her heart, so I didn’t want to do it a second time.

After all, our public connection had already been severed. Once I escaped from this house, we would be nothing to each other. We were no longer friends. Perhaps we hadn’t been for a while.

“I will change the password. I will reset it to the original when I leave.”

“Do as you please.”

The conversation ended. Ham Yejin tidied herself up again, straightening her disheveled clothes before standing up. She hesitated for a moment, then bowed her head and silently bid farewell. I too bowed my head in response.

Ham Yejin quietly opened the front door and left my house, no, her house.

I did not see her off.

Goodbye forever.

To the woman who was not my friend, goodbye forever.

Let’s not hurt when we meet next time.

~

There is no such thing as absolute in the world. So, if we meet again someday and exchange even a greeting, it wouldn’t be that strange. I wished for that, thinking I hoped it would happen. I didn’t say we would reconcile.

It merely meant that building new connections wouldn’t be bad.

The relationship we have now is so twisted, a broken one, that there’s a need to erase it once. If a fresh white sheet of paper were given to us, and if we were to meet again afterward, I would greet her with “Nice to meet you.” Then she would say to me, “Yes, it’s been a long time.”

If we happen to meet again on the street, let’s at least greet each other that way.

Let’s conclude with thoughts of such a future, without pain.

“Are you okay?”

Eun-a came to me. The words “Are you okay?” must carry many meanings. Her worry was evident on her face. Honestly, my face didn’t match her kind expression, which made me smile a little. Wow, I didn’t know you could have such a caring expression.

“… Are you okay?”

The smile seemed to heighten her anxiety, and Eun-a asked once more. In response to her genuine concern, I answered honestly.

“Not at all.”

The laughter lasted only a moment.

Once I uttered the words, reality closed in.

“My heart hurts so much.”

Just a few days ago, I had been happy. At least, I believed so. But that happiness was revealed to be a castle built on sand overnight, and that too felt like a mirage. The castle collapsed, and I fell to the ground. The sun was too close.

All illusions vanished, and all that remained was a desert. The desert’s daytime heat was overwhelming. It felt like it could melt my eyes. Yet they didn’t melt. The sun had already melted everything, so there was nothing left to melt.

The eyes turned to tears and flowed down my cheeks. Then it rained.

“I really can’t be okay.”

The moment I realized I was crying, unlike Ham Yejin, I could no longer hold back. I wiped the tears that wouldn’t dry with my hands, but they kept flowing. It was strange, so strange. The tears wouldn’t stop. In the end, I cried aloud.

“Cry as much as you want.”

From beside me, Seo Eun-a awkwardly hugged me. How clumsy of you, dear. Then Eun-a said to me,

“It’s not your fault, Oppa.”

Really? Was it really so? Was it all not my fault that I was abandoned, that I abandoned?

I cried for a long time.

Today, my world has died. I recalled while shedding tears that wouldn’t stop.

The time to kill the second world wouldn’t be long now.

The night in the desert was cold enough to chill my bones. The flowing tears mixed into the ground, and the pouring rain turned into snow, freezing even colder. Snow fell in the desert.

To escape this cold, I would have to leave the desert in search of warmth. Because the daytime was already over, and the sun would not come again. Here, I could remain forever in Seol-guk.

Yet in this eternal night, I needed to seek the lost light.

The night sky was so dark that neither the moon nor the stars could be seen. It looked as if it had been painted with ink.

But,

“It will be okay.”

It seemed there was at least one firefly that would momentarily brighten the darkness for me.