Chapter 169

I couldn’t control my emotions. That meant my brain wasn’t functioning properly. If my brain wasn’t working right, I couldn’t filter my thoughts. Managing my expressions was difficult as well.

What is this, some sort of ‘Liar Liar’ where I can’t lie? Does what I think come out as it is? It was terrifying. Especially because it was in front of Yoon Sua. Wouldn’t it be better to do this in front of someone I didn’t know?

“I’m glad it matched well. I didn’t have many ingredients, so I couldn’t get the taste right.”

“This is?”

“My hobby is cooking.”

… This doesn’t seem like a mere hobby. I can barely write, but I excel at this. What on earth am I doing in the Department of Literature?

“If you wrote at this level, you would have received some sort of award by now. Did you choose the wrong major?”

“Don’t say that.”

I really can’t filter my thoughts. But why does she keep switching between honorific and informal speech? Can’t you control yourself either?

“Just pick one: honorific or informal speech.”

“I’ll use informal.”

Alright, that’s a bit better.

Anyway, I finished the entire bowl of fried rice, and on top of that, I ate half a bowl more. Considering my usual eating habits, this was incredible.

“…It’s really delicious.”

“I’ve never seen you praise me like that before.”

“You can only give praises if there’s something to praise. Did you think there was anything in the past that was worth praising you for?”

“You know best that you’re not that kind of person, right?”

Even if Yoon Sua had indeed written well, I probably wouldn’t have praised her much.

Yoon Sua, her tone seems to change her personality. When she speaks honorifics, she has a delicate image, but when she drops them, memories from the past start to surface. After all, speech is one of the most important elements defining a person.

People live as they speak, act as they speak, and are perceived as they speak.

That means it had this implication.

“Using informal speech brings out your old temperament.”

“…You were the one who told me to drop it.”

“I’m not saying anything, just stating the facts.”

After all, I’m in no position to welcome you.

“I dislike you, and that hasn’t changed. You seem different now though.”

“…How can you keep saying that? How can you be like that?”

“Why? Because I look like this? Because I’m the young and cute girl who fits your taste?”

“N-No! My taste is for much kinder, purer, and prettier girls! Don’t label me as a pervert!”

Your strong denial is a bit suspicious, but I held back, feeling like I shouldn’t ask more.

“Then why are you behaving like this?”

“…I watched the broadcast. And I messed up.”

“Oh, the part where I went out crying and whining.”

Now it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen worse than that multiple times. Honestly, I was more embarrassed about my singing video spreading.

“I didn’t… know.”

“That’s a convenient excuse. I’m sure there were people turning valves for gas in Auschwitz who said the same.”

“J-Just because you said that doesn’t mean your attitude when you were a man was right! I just….”

“Just what?”

“I only empathized with what you said….”

Not pity,

Empathy?

“Are you an orphan too?”

“Even if I spoke, it’s not…!”

“No, I’m really curious, not insulting.”

Having the same pattern twice in a row seems a bit off.

“…I have parents. But they don’t understand me.”

“Who would understand anyone?”

“My parents have no affection for me; I’m just a trophy to them.”

“Who wouldn’t feel that way?”

“When my parents found out I was a lesbian, do you know what they said?”

“I don’t know.”

“They just said, ‘So?’ They have no interest at all. The funny part? My parents are homophobic.”

“I see….”

“So, when they encounter a complete stranger on the street who is gay or lesbian, they grimace and feel disgusted.”

“That’s a bit long.”

“Those people, however, have no interest when they find out their daughter is a lesbian. To them, I’m less than a stranger.”

“Yeah.”

“Because I’m a real stranger.”

I’m an adoptee.

“It’s just a decoration brought in to show the world what a family looks like.”

Right, I get it. But ultimately,

“That means I’m indeed an orphan, right?”

“You, can’t you just… not say that? Can’t you just quietly listen?”

“It’s tiring since this is the second time.”

“What are you talking about….”

It was a story I couldn’t reveal. I wasn’t sure if bringing it up would do any good, so I changed the subject.

“Think for yourself.”

“You… even after changing like this, there are still things that haven’t changed.”

“Thank goodness for that.”

“…Anyway, your desire to meet your mother again reminded me of my childhood, where I truly wanted to see my real parents. I still think you were trash back then.”

“That’s unexpected.”

That’s quite something.

“I think so too.”

I was trash. My definition of trash may have differed from what you think.

Yoon Sua was looking at me with a face as if she had seen a ghost. This made her a bit cute, I suppose.

“You’ve really changed.”

“Can’t you tell?”

It’s a story that only I could know best in this world.

“So what is it that you want to say in the end?”

“…I want to apologize. I said it before, but I want to say it properly again.”

“You want forgiveness?”

“That’s… it wouldn’t affect how I feel at all. So I won’t say it.”

“You know that well.”

“I can only say this… I have to say this.”

Yoon Sua lowered her head deeply. It was a posture she should never have shown to me in her lifetime.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“Yeah.”

After a while, when Yoon Sua raised her head, her expression was still stiff, but it was a little more relaxed than before. I told her.

“I’ll forgive you.”

“Excuse me?”

Yoon Sua asked back, as if she couldn’t believe it. You might not realize it, but to me, you were no longer something important. Forgiveness was a cheap price.

“But instead,”

“….”

“Tell me about Muk Ha-neul, everything.”

For the sake of the necessary story.

~

I first met Ha-neul in my first year of college. She was a kind, considerate, thoughtful, and quiet girl. Naturally, I was drawn to her and became friends. Of course, we didn’t always get along. To be precise, we had issues ever since she started to like you, you know, the trashy man.

I used to ask why she liked such a trashy guy, but she would get angry and tell me not to talk badly about you. Each time, it felt like my heart was being ripped apart. Still, when she was hurt by you, I comforted her. I told her to forget about that kind of man and that there are better people in the world.

Including me, though I couldn’t actually say that.

The first time I felt something strange was when I had a fight with Jin Seo-hye. Jin Seo-hye was looking at her with fierce devotion, and she wore a similar expression. It was a sight I had never seen before. Still, I thought it was understandable. How could a person always be kind? Everyone has a side they hide.

After that, as I got to know her better, I thought about it a lot. She was the daughter of a rich family and said she didn’t have a mother. I guess I already knew? By the look on her face. I realized she wasn’t as kind and innocent as I had thought. I was her closest friend in college, but I was only a friend. She was building an invisible wall, and I didn’t have the courage to cross it.

She probably sensed my feelings from then on. Why? Because her attitude seemed to change slightly. Just a bit, like she was in a position of dominance. Nothing had changed at all. She remained kind and treated me well. Her actions were the same. It was just… I felt differently, and that was the only difference.

And I still liked her.

You graduated, we graduated, and I thought her love for you had ended. I didn’t think I would get a chance. I had already given up. I just hoped she wouldn’t meet another trash like you.

But then she went to graduate school. No way I could follow her that far, right? Last year, you met again. Since then, she has… changed.

What? Why was I there? Obviously, I went to see her. I stupidly ran into you there. Thankfully, I was wearing pants that day. If I had shown this state to you when you were a man, I would have killed myself.

But if you had stayed a man, I might have given up trying to keep her away from you. After all, I was a woman, and I wasn’t in her sphere of influence.

But she changed. After you became a woman, her gaze became strange. She told me she wanted to play a trick on you. That’s not something she would say, right? I refused, but I had no choice. Why?

Because she left me an opening.

I had no choice but to act foolishly. And I took a picture of you. Right then, I did.

…I’m sorry. I… I really… huh? You want me to keep talking?… Alright. When I first saw you that time, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it was you. Honestly, your looks were still stunning, right? You were pretty tall. It doesn’t make sense that such a person has become a small, cute girl who seems fragile now.

Still, in the end, I sent the picture. I don’t know how she did it, but it was spread, and you… ended up on a broadcast. When I saw that broadcast… Oh damn. I cried a bit. Damn it. Don’t laugh. You cried too.

Meanwhile, she got along well with me. It wasn’t that she gave me an opening now, but I started to expect things. Though I had given up, I foolishly began to hope.

Maybe my looking like this made an impact on her? I thought about that. After graduating, I lived like this. I had given up on her, so I had to live somehow, even if I had lingering feelings. I even went on dates. Of course, they all fell apart in the end. It was a foolish act.

One day, she said she needed to write and dropped out of graduate school, isolating herself. I was worried, but after a long time with no contact, when she met me again, she acted just like before.

So, I believed it. At least, there would be no way you and she would end up together. After all, you were now a woman.

But then… ‘Sky Mushroom’ came out. In it, there was a character who was obviously based on me, like a well-behaved dog dedicating everything to the protagonist. And then there was an article. I stumbled upon it quite by accident. It said you and she were living together. I had heard that she went somewhere, but I didn’t know it was your house.

That’s when I realized. She was still in love with you, and I was just a sacrifice for that love.

The reason for spreading the picture of someone you love? I don’t know. I can’t understand. But her love is genuine. Because it’s real, there must be some psycho-like reasoning behind those actions.

But if she still loves you… what can’t I do? Now you’re a woman, and I’m a woman too. If she can love you, then why couldn’t I?

Sure, I could see why not. I know that. That makes sense. I could have been lacking. But then, you shouldn’t have given me any leeway! You shouldn’t have treated me like a dog! You shouldn’t have sold my life like that!

I was… miserable. I felt like the most miserable person in the world.

What do I do? What’s the right thing? And then…

I saw your book.

‘Womb.’

I decided to seek you out. Writing something like this means you’ve at least changed in some way, and I have always regretted that incident. Yes, that is true. I can no longer like her. So, the desire to take revenge on her must have existed within me.

To Muk Ha-neul.

This is the end of the story.

My… my story ends here.

I don’t want to continue any longer.