Chapter 142

[I’ve read it all.]

[How was it?]

[It was terrible. Like vomit.]

It was the writing of my own child. Nevertheless, he did not soften his words. That was pure, 100 percent sincerity, and if asked again, the same answer would come out. Still, the reason he made the call was probably because he had something else to say beyond that.

That’s why I did not react to his words. I didn’t think it was terrible or akin to vomit, but it wasn’t the time for such a debate.

[A novelist is not a psychoanalyst. The thoughts and intentions of the author who wrote the work can’t be fully understood no matter how hard you look for them.]

Then why did you ask me to share your son’s writing?

[Neither the piece you sent me nor the one serialized on the internet, I couldn’t understand any of it. I just don’t get it. Why is he doing this? Why is he writing like this?]

That was only natural.

If even Jae-Ah herself didn’t understand, there was no way I could. However, despite that, we could see the author’s subconscious in the writing.

[This kid knows nothing. Damn it. This isn’t my fault. I’m telling you it’s not my fault. Got it?]

Professor Seo desperately asserted his innocence. But he wasn’t expecting an answer. The one he was throwing words at wasn’t me but himself.

[…What did I do wrong? Pampering him just because he’s my son? Doing everything he asked?]

This wasn’t a conversation; it was a lament.

This lament was something no one could accept. Only I had the duty and the right to listen to this lament.

Only me, the informant.

[…Yeah. I didn’t force him, but I did make my expectations clear. If there had been nothing from the start, I wouldn’t have had those desires at all. I wished for him because he had talent. Am I some kind of fool for wanting my child to write in this world?]

[The writing might not be the problem. Damn it, anything could be a problem, right? Did I put pressure on him? But what parent wouldn’t? That kid is smart. He could do anything… Is it so wrong to hope for my child’s success?]

[You knew it too, didn’t you?]

What do you mean by that?

[That damned novel, in both pieces, does not portray the father at all.]

I couldn’t have not known that.

[You’d rather hate me or fear me. You can see me as an enemy. You can repent if you want. But there’s none of that in this novel. The fathers in it are not human. They aren’t even characters. They are dolls. Do you understand? To him, the father has no meaning. No, it has meaning precisely because he erased it. He wanted to erase it from his own world, whether it was intentional or not.]

He was a man full of hatred. A conservative man, an outdated man, a patriarchal man. So I could never have imagined him showing such a side.

Today, he was nothing.

He was a father who betrayed his own child, and a father betrayed by his child. That was truly…

[Is that so?]

He was an ordinary father.

I had nothing to say. My role was merely to be the audience. I couldn’t and shouldn’t give advice on something unknown to me.

I was simply a little curious, a little taken aback, and a little uneasy.

Jae-Ah’s cross-dressing made him angry. But Jae-Ah’s writing disheartened him.

Perhaps the writing was more shocking to him than the cross-dressing.

For him, issues of cross-dressing or sexual identity were problems that could simply be beaten or fixed. But writing was different.

That couldn’t be fixed. It wasn’t broken from the start. There’s no such thing as broken writing. Everything was complete and perfect as it was. This wasn’t about the quality of the work.

It was about the soul of the work.

Thus, it must be that way. He cannot deny it.

This story is something I learned from him.

[What about the tutoring?]

[I plan to end it. I’ll send him back tomorrow, just like that. I have no desire to continue.]

[Jae-Ah… is she coming back?]

[I decided to send her back tomorrow.]

[Yeah…]

I didn’t know what choice he would make. He might continue to express his anger unchanged, or he might decide to reconcile with Jae-Ah.

People do not change. He knows that better than anyone. Therefore, whether it’s anger or reconciliation, it would all be a facade. But that was enough.

It was the same with people, friends and lovers, family.

It was about compromising.

Because we love them, despite our frustrations.

I smiled while wearing a mask.

Before long, the call ended, and I looked up at the sky. Damn it, the dark sky didn’t even reveal a single star.

I heard footsteps somewhere.

~

I returned home. I felt something was off at the front door. Jae-Ah’s shoes were scattered around. Had she come back from outside? I took off my outer coat and hung it on the sofa. Then I saw Jae-Ah sitting on the sofa, staring blankly.

Jae-Ah wasn’t looking at the wall or her smartphone. She was looking straight ahead, which was also a wall, but wide space lay between.

As I approached, I could see Jae-Ah’s face, which was almost in a trance.

“…What’s wrong?”

At my words, Jae-Ah turned her head to look at me.

…She was crying.

It wasn’t sobbing or wailing, but tears were steadily streaming down her face. Defining the emotion contained in that expression was difficult. Anger, loneliness, and betrayal.

I felt that something, something was very wrong.

“Why did you do that?”

She had heard it.

“Why… why did you do that? Why? Why? Why?”

She had definitely heard it.

“Say something. Why did you do it? Why did you do it? Why did you say that? Why, why? Why?!!”

Jae-Ah’s questions turned into screams at the end. I couldn’t help but understand… I had to understand.

This wasn’t just about getting caught writing an embarrassing piece. It wasn’t such a trivial matter. Jae-Ah’s two novels written during her adolescence might contain her naked self, her vulnerabilities, her inner thoughts, her subconscious, everything.

The fact that her father, her father who is a university professor, had seen that…

“…You heard, didn’t you?”

To Jae-Ah, it would be the most horrifying shame. Similar to when her cross-dressed photos were spread.

Looking back as an adult, it might not seem like a big deal. But Jae-Ah was not an adult yet. This shame and pain would be beyond words.

And in this matter, the fault lay solely with me.

Only, completely, it was my fault.

“I heard! You handed everything over to Dad!! I saw it!!!”

Where could she have overheard? If she had eavesdropped, there would have been distance. Professor Seo’s voice might not have reached her. She must have realized it after hearing what I said. She probably didn’t hear the entire conversation.

“I believed you… I believed you. Why? Why?”

It wasn’t just disgrace. What Jae-Ah felt was clear betrayal. Because she trusted me, that’s what made the terrible betrayal even more unacceptable.

The only thing I could say here was one thing.

“I’m sorry.”

But I added one more thing.

“However, it was necessary.”

Jae-Ah stood up and threw a glass at me. The glass hit my head directly and fell to the ground, shattering. Fortunately, it was empty. She must have thrown whatever she could grab.

I didn’t avoid it. I just couldn’t react fast enough to escape. Yet, I didn’t scream. I had no right to scream here.

“Say it again, say it again with that damned mouth, again.”

“It was necessary.”

This time, what flew at me was Jae-Ah’s smartphone. Just like before, it was a shock strong enough to make my head ring. My head, previously injured, started to hurt again. I staggered back a bit.

“How can you say something like that?”

“It was necessary.”

“Shut up!!”

Jae-Ah approached me. She pushed me, and I was shoved against the wall. Regardless, enduring this pressure wasn’t easy. A sound of pain escaped my lips.

“Ugh…!”

“What’s necessary? What’s necessary?”

“I won’t say it’s for you. It was for me.”

“To drive me away?”

“To send you back.”

“I was already planning to go back without that!!”

“That’s probably true. If this hadn’t happened, we would have fought again and you would have left again. It would have exploded one way or another. But that doesn’t concern me.”

“…Because you’re not going to continue with the tutoring?”

Yeah, so you were listening until the end.

“Yeah. We’re done now. You must have guessed we couldn’t continue.”

“Stop it… How can you be so… irresponsible!!!”

“I have no obligation to take care of you.”

If such an obligation existed, it would surely belong to Professor Seo.

“Then why!!! Why were you nice to me? Why did you help me? Why did you put up with my tantrums? Why didn’t you kick me out when I came to your house? Why did you go to events with me?”

“Because I wanted to.”

“What… nonsense…?!”

“I wanted to leave behind at least the last memory.”

Because my mother hadn’t.

“Damn… You think I’d want something like this? Do you think I’d want this?!”

I wanted to.

“…Why did you say it? Of all people, why that person…?”

“Because he is your father.”

“What does that matter?!”

“To you, he’s a father, but to me, he’s a master.”

Jae-Ah lost her words.

I’m sorry. I really think that way. But that’s what adulthood is.

“Everything, from properly teaching me literature, introducing me to people, to helping me become self-sufficient was all thanks to Professor Seo. I didn’t betray him.”

From the start, I had been on Professor Seo’s side.

I liked you too, Jae-Ah.

Because you were Professor Seo’s child.

“…”

Jae-Ah’s expression grew blank. The expression of the girl who had pushed me against the wall began to twist. With a face like a broken doll, she grabbed the hem of my clothes.

And then,

She ripped my shirt right off.