Chapter 135

I tied my hair up. It was a single braid. Naturally, I wasn’t tying it up to look pretty. By doing it this way, my hair would fit neatly under my hat, covering as much of my white hair as possible. Now, I wrapped a scarf around my neck. I was all set to go out.

In contrast to my neatly dressed self, Jae-Ah had only thrown on a coat that I had worn during my male days over the clothes she came in. The coat looked a bit big and worn out.

“It’s a bit big, isn’t it?”

“You’re just small.”

It was clear that going to the event had lifted Jae-Ah’s spirits, as her expression was not bad from early in the morning. That was until we left the house and arrived at the subway station. It wasn’t a long journey, but for some reason, Jae-Ah’s face gradually tightened again as we neared our destination.

Even when we arrived and got off the subway, her stiff expression remained unchanged. Was she scared about something? Or was it anguish? I couldn’t tell.

“Should we just go back?”

“What’s with that all of a sudden?”

“Well, if you really don’t want to, I don’t see the need for us to go.”

“Then you can go by yourself, and I’ll stay. If you’re insisting on going back, it probably means you want to go.”

“It’s just….”

“What are you so scared of?”

“Scared?”

“Your expression right now says it all.”

Jae-Ah’s attempt to check her own face by touching it with her hands certainly looked anxious.

…She looked fine, but she probably wasn’t truly okay.

“I don’t mind going back. However, I won’t withdraw my condition. You’re the one who changed your mind.”

“Right… But what is there to be scared of?”

Jae-Ah began muttering to herself. It seemed more like she was reassuring herself rather than speaking to me.

“It’s an illusion. There’s nothing there. No meaning at all. This isn’t going to be the end. When it actually happens, it’s really not a big deal, but before that, it’s scary. Adults always say it’s not a big deal, but I don’t get it.”

“Calm down.”

“I am calm. I’m not particularly excited.”

I took Jae-Ah’s hand and guided her to a nearby chair. Since Jae-Ah was already on the shorter side, this made her eye level lower than mine.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but if adults told you it’s not a big deal, then I have something to say too.”

“What is it? That it’s not a big deal? Or that it is?”

Neither of them probably felt relevant right now.

“What I want to say is this. Is it hard for you? Do you think you’re the only one suffering in this world? Do you feel like you’re the only one left in the world? I won’t deny that thought. Because I truly feel like I’m the hardest put upon in the world, and that I’m all alone. It’s the privilege of boys to dig into the ground. You can dig as deep as you want. The deeper you go, the harder it is to climb back up.”

“…What are you talking about?”

“Stop overthinking it and just move. And damn it, if you don’t say anything, I won’t know.”

“That’s not just one thing.”

“Don’t add anything.”

These weren’t particularly profound words, nor were they uplifting or comforting, but somehow, they seemed to have the intended shock therapy effect, as Jae-Ah stood up. She looked like she was deep in thought for a moment, but then shook her head as if to brush the worries away.

“Let’s go.”

I didn’t ask where to. I didn’t want to be that embarrassing person who asks such questions.

“By the way, what you said earlier sounded really old-fashioned.”

“Yeah, I’m old-fashioned.”

~

Just as Jae-Ah said, we ended up waiting in line indoors. During that time, there was really nothing to do but browse our phones. Jae-Ah was busy chatting with several people on messenger, seemingly engaged with something important. As for me, I was just skimming through the list of booths I hadn’t finished looking at because I dozed off while checking it out yesterday.

Since it was my first time seeing fan-made goods, the layout was hard to comprehend. I had no idea why a mysterious badge called a can badge cost 5,000 won, or why a zine with less than 30 pages cost 10,000 won. And why was a glasses cleaner 3,000 won? You can get those for free at an optical store.

No matter how I looked at it, I didn’t seem to find anything worth buying. I felt like I could just follow Jae-Ah around as she went.

“Have you decided what to buy?”

“I don’t have anything to buy, so just figure it out yourself.”

By the way, I started to hear some sounds around us. Maybe because my senses had been a bit more acute lately, I began to notice someone’s gaze and the murmurs directed at me.

When I turned my head toward the direction of the gaze, I noticed a few people subtly glancing over at us. They didn’t seem particularly odd, but it wasn’t a pleasant feeling. When I stiffened my expression, they quickly looked away.

I tried to cover my hair as much as possible, but it was hard to fully conceal it. Even indoors, I was awkwardly wearing a hat to hide my hair, and perhaps that was drawing even more attention to me. Still, I couldn’t take it off.

As Jae-Ah mentioned, there were quite a few people in cosplay. Along with costumes from works I knew, there were also some that were completely unidentifiable.

Once we entered, there seemed to be a lot of people, yet it felt like there weren’t as many as one would expect. No, it was really crowded, but perhaps it felt less crowded because it was early morning. Certain booths definitely had long lines forming, while others had no one waiting at all.

“I’ll wait in line for this; you can look around.”

“Okay.”

Jae-Ah had become much more excited compared to earlier. It didn’t seem like it was her first time here; perhaps she had been to one of these events before?

Naturally, I started to navigate toward booths with fewer people, avoiding the crowd. I could easily tell why people weren’t lining up; there were clearly unpopular works, and some booths were selling completely original zines that weren’t on Jae-Ah’s list.

Fortunately, at the booths I stopped by, there were no aggressive sales pitches. I couldn’t stand such sales tactics. They made me feel pressured to buy something I had no intention of.

The merchandise typically featured various styles of subculture artworks, but I was intrigued to spot someone exhibiting what looked like a traditional ink wash painting on what seemed to be hanji paper. Upon closer inspection, it didn’t look like actual hanji, but I couldn’t figure out why such a piece would be here. Naturally, no customers were present, and the booth owner, who looked like he was bordering on being an older gentleman, seemed indifferent about it.

Then, I found myself drawn to a booth with an original zine. It was run by a short woman. The storybook featured a cute character that I couldn’t quite identify as an animal. It wasn’t thick since it was a zine, but it was thicker than other thin ones I had seen at other booths.

The owner didn’t initiate a conversation with me, but she stared at me so intently when I showed interest that it became a bit overwhelming. I noticed a sample in front of the stacked zines and asked.

“Can I read this?”

“Huh? Aah, yes!! You can read it!”

Her voice was loud. I slowly began to read through the sample. It was a book where illustrations played a bigger role than the text. However, that didn’t mean it lacked a story. The illustrations added substance to a short narrative that was taking shape. Was this a rabbit? A bear? A lion? Though I couldn’t quite pin it down, its cute design was captivating.

Of course, it was a fairy tale. I wasn’t sure what age group it was aimed at, but judging from the sample part alone, it seemed suitable for both children and adults.

A story of searching high and low for a kindred spirit, yet finding none anywhere.

A tale of how “I” becomes “we.”

But to become “we” means being trapped within “us.”

The story of the sample came to an end before I could even read halfway. I found it better than I expected. At least it was an improvement over the ignited paper by me and other students in my fairy tale creation class. If it had been submitted to a contest, it might have resulted in a good outcome. Of course, it was too soon to jump to conclusions based solely on the sample.

I pulled out my wallet.

“I’ll take two copies, please.”

“Two? Thank you!”

I probably wouldn’t get to see the booth again, but I bought two copies just in case. I wondered if Im Mi-ra had already made her choice by now.

By the way, it seemed I was the booth’s first customer. The booth owner, who had been fidgeting moments before, now had a bright smile on her face. She seemed like she wanted to strike up a conversation with me right away, and I accepted the books before quickly moving on. I took a look around some of the other booths but didn’t find anywhere that impressed me.

When I returned to where Jae-Ah had been, I saw her just coming out after buying the goods she had her eyes on.

“What’s that? What did you buy?”

“I found a picture book, so I got it.”

“You like fairy tales?”

“I’m not sure.”

I didn’t even know.

Jae-Ah’s booth tour took over an hour, and there were already many more people wandering the event compared to earlier. Now, the place was indeed packed.

“We got here early, so this is what we have. If we had arrived late, all the popular booths would have been sold out, and the lines would have been long.”

“Is it almost over? Are we going home?”

“I’m going to check out the cosplay zone, grab something to eat, and then catch the rest of the events.”

“Haah.”

“And I’ll be meeting some people later.”

“What? You didn’t mention that.”

“At that time, I can be alone, so feel free to kill time somewhere else. For an hour or two.”

“Who are you meeting? Friends?”

“They are friends, but internet friends. Several of them.”

“…Are they weird people?”

“They’re all nice people. I’m meeting them for the first time today. Originally, I was going to cancel, but I told them I’d go last night.”

I hesitated. While separating might have its comforts as Jae-Ah said, she was still a minor. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of letting Jae-Ah meet people she didn’t know well from the internet. After all, I was her guardian for now. I pondered whether it was right to let her meet someone else alone.

In the end, there was only one answer.

“Forget it. Why would I trust you alone? I’ll stay with you.”

“There’s no need for that…”

“If something happens to you, it’s me who will get hit this time.”

In that moment, Jae-Ah flinched. Oh, jokes like this… shouldn’t be made. It was a mistake. I apologized while patting her back as she took a sharp breath.

“I’m sorry. I said something thoughtless.”

“It’s okay… Just stay with me. But don’t complain to me.”

“What complaints?”

“Whatever it is.”