Chapter 53

“And don’t meet just anyone…”

“I can’t bear to see that happen before I die… Yeah, at least someone better than me…”

*

053

My Reality (Part 1)

*

There are memories that never fade, even in a hazy mind.

Moments that stood out even among the glittering memories. The day I first met Louis, the zelkova tree casting its shadow, the summer rose you gave me with your scarred hands, the hands I held tightly even in my delirious state…

And the day I met you again.

When I saw you after so long, you had changed so much it made my heart ache.

I remember your face, red from holding back tears, pretending to be fine on the day I left for the city. I must have looked the same. The innocence I loved.

I don’t know how many times I thought of you after we parted. On days when I finished grueling trials and lay down on a hard bed, instead of counting sheep, I drew your face with starlight on the dark ceiling until I fell asleep.

And time passed.

Enough time for the hands of the child who always complained to always smell of blood.

“Long time no see.”

You still looked the same. Your eyes, which had been lazily blinking under the early spring sun, regained their vitality the moment they saw me, and though you tried to act calm, they sparkled with an undeniable joy.

But that emotion passed like a fleeting moment, quickly disappearing. A dull, gloomy feeling took its place.

“Long… time… no see…”

Helplessly, my voice trembled as I spoke.

Contrary to your bold promises before I left, you had forgotten and changed.

I thought maybe it was possible. Unlike me, who only had Louis, Louis was popular with others too. Maybe you had moved on, relegating me to a childhood memory and falling in love with someone else.

I told myself it wasn’t true, that Louis wouldn’t do that, but the sprout of anxiety in my heart kept growing no matter how many times I tried to uproot it. If only I could have gone to see you in person.

The Inquisition Judge was bound to the Religious Order, to the Inquisition Temple. Unless it was for a trial, it was impossible to leave the temple grounds.

“What’s that beside you…?”

So, I had to accept it.

What it meant for me to be able to come to Yefrinse.

It wasn’t even a trial I was originally supposed to handle. I forcibly took the task from Senior Verdo. The moment I saw the familiar name on the Order’s command, I couldn’t help but imagine a terrible future.

I had to see it with my own eyes. I prayed to Ailim countless times, hoping it wasn’t true.

And what I faced was the worst possible scenario among the countless futures I had imagined.

“Anne.”

You were still you. Gentle yet strong, kind yet firm. The way you looked at me was the same.

The sky was clear and bright, without a single cloud, yet my eyes quickly grew moist as if rain was falling somewhere.

“Louis, the one beside you…”

Cruelly, you cut me off as I tried to deny reality.

“She’s my fiancée.”

If only I had come a little sooner—if I hadn’t been bound by the Order’s rules or the duty of an Inquisition Judge—maybe our reunion would have been more touching.

But you and I were standing in different places now. I could no longer run to you and embrace you like I used to.

Of course, you would still accept me with open arms.

“Now, she’s the most important person in the world to me.”

The one beside you wouldn’t tolerate me.

You were my world.

Your black hair fluttered, and though I stood in the bright sunlight, you were in the middle of the night. The gap between us felt so vast that no matter how far I reached, I couldn’t touch you.

It was looking at me. Louis didn’t seem to notice anything strange. The demon had no eyes, no nose, no mouth, yet Louis acted as if it were a person.

“You promised…”

Rain falls in my eyes, which had always been dry despite witnessing countless horrors, heretics, and tragedies. Ah, so I could cry.

But you didn’t wipe my tears, just stared blankly at me with one arm held by the demon.

“I’m sorry.”

Don’t apologize.

Don’t apologize, please… I want to believe it’s not your fault.

“I’m sorry…”

Because you’re my world. If the world deceives me, I’ll gladly be deceived.

But you didn’t deceive me. Instead, you seemed to let me go, staring at me with a blank face, saying nothing. Even though a heretic should naturally show hostility to one blessed by the gods. Even though, if Laube wasn’t just an illusion but something I could perceive, you must have already become a heretic.

That face was familiar. What it held was only guilt and an affection that hadn’t disappeared.

The moment I thought that, my heart ached again. A heretic.

Louis is a heretic.

The person I love has become a heretic. You denied me.

The moment I realized that, I turned and ran. After running for a while, I collapsed to the ground.

At that moment, I didn’t even think about the robe I was wearing, a relic granted only to a select few in the Order. Only one thing came to mind.

A face I could never forget, no matter how much time passed, reflected in puddles when I opened my eyes and drawn in my mind when I closed them.

“It’s a lie…”

The scene I had just witnessed drove the truth I didn’t want to believe deeper.

It can’t be. You, who were more reliable and cooler than anyone, really…

But no matter how much I tried to cross it out in my mind, the truth didn’t change. Like the overcast sky, I was crying. Just like when I was a child, I lowered my voice so you wouldn’t hear my sobs.

But the sobs still leaked out. What I really wanted back then wasn’t for you not to hear my cries, but for you to hear my stifled sobs and come running to comfort me. Even now.

I couldn’t deny it, but I wanted to.

But no matter how much time passed, you didn’t come.

“Louis.”

They were small, so small.

But to me, they were the only kindness, affection, and connection in my life. Even as I grew older and matured, even as my emotions wore down amidst slaughter and carnage, that love only grew like a snowball—

Once it started rolling, no amount of will could stop it.

“Louis…”

The hair of the boy I loved—still love—was as dark as the night.

Like the dark brown soil beneath my feet, you were my earth, my father, my world. The unfamiliar and frightening rural life where everything felt like it was floating. It was because of you, who supported me, that I could grow as tall as a zelkova tree.

No, even that couldn’t fully express my feelings for you.

Roots, perhaps. I began from you. If you hadn’t existed in my life, I wouldn’t have lived to this age.

Because of you, I exist.

“Me.”

So.

After composing myself, I took off my robe.

“I’ll save you.”

The robe, dirtied by the ground, still shone pure white. My heart, and my love for Louis, who had become a heretic, remained unchanged.

As I folded the robe, the weight of the silver armor I wore became more apparent. Of course. My goal had been reconnaissance, and even if attacked, I was heavily armed to survive. I had just hidden it so Louis and the villagers wouldn’t be scared.

Now, there was no need to hide. No, I had to reveal it.

Beneath the voluminous hem of the robe was a morning star, shining like the dawn.

A thorny Bloody Cross engraved exactly where the Golden Cross was embroidered on the robe.

I can’t cry anymore. I steeled myself, freezing my heart. I put on a silver helmet that completely covered my face.

What this place needed wasn’t a frail, sickly priestess. Even if my frame was small, I was a formidable Inquisition Judge, unyielding in the face of fear.

One who enacts the law of mercy through blood and violence. The natural enemy of all heretics and demon worshippers.

I’ll do anything to save you.

Even if it means tearing down everything I’ve built with my own hands. Even if it means betraying the gods and leading others to tragedy for my own selfish goal.

I stepped through the sacred barrier set up in the corner of the forest. As I revealed myself, a soldier clad in silver armor with a cross approached. His unwavering eyes held no guilt or hesitation, only a sense of duty and pride.

Ah, such ideal eyes. The devout and exemplary child of Ailim asked me.

“Sister, were there heretics there?”

He was my brother. Though I didn’t know his name, we served the same master.

Now, I was using my brother, leading him—or them—into the abyss of death.

“Yes. That land has already become a den of heretics.”

Inquisition Judge Anne answered the question, but it was Anne Ailard, the girl blinded by love, who responded.

“Even I couldn’t handle the darkness lurking there.”