Chapter 122

Looking back, it was almost predetermined that these two would come into conflict. There were no specific reasons for it, but their personalities were polar opposites.

Fairy tales and erotic novels.

They could be seen as being at two extremes.

Im Mi-ra was emotional, whereas Seo Eun-a was cynical. Im Mi-ra had a surprisingly friendly side, while Seo Eun-a showcased her thorns towards anyone without distinction.

While this might be a bit unfair, it was evident in their college entrance exam results as well.

So, it wasn’t strange that they would be wary of each other.

And both of them stopped bringing up the topics they often discussed when I was around.

It was only natural to hide it. Seo Eun-a completely clamped up about erotic novels, and Im Mi-ra had stopped complaining about the college entrance exam as she brought it up.

It was obvious that speaking about it would become a weakness.

For me, it wasn’t such a bad thing. Continuing to talk about erotic novels was becoming a bit exhausting, and there was no benefit to discussing a college entrance exam that had already concluded. I welcomed the end of those two topics.

But would these two ever gather here again? I considered today’s brief stability to be a temporary thing.

So, I was all the more surprised.

It was only natural that a relationship formed under such thorough rejection would not be good. In reality, it was indeed what one would expect.

However, the fact that these two were becoming friends was something none of us, including Seo Eun-a, Im Mi-ra, or myself, anticipated.

~

“Did you say your sister made a friend?”

“Is it a friend? It feels more like a bitter rival.”

“Stop lying. What kind of friend would a personality like that produce?”

“I don’t think it’s just a friend, either.”

Jae-Ah declared that the story from tutoring was nonsense. Yeah, it was something I couldn’t comprehend either. The first impression of these two was terrible, yet they were friends? It was absurd.

In reality, it was hard to see them as friends.

Since that first day, the two met three more times. They came over to my house as if competing with each other, yet neither would give up their seat when the other arrived.

And they never missed a day to mock each other, squabbling, and getting irritated, but somehow, rather strangely, they seemed to get along well.

In terms of reading volume, Seo Eun-a might have read more books than I had. Naturally, fairy tales were among them, and that meant Im Mi-ra was someone she could communicate with more than expected. It wasn’t that they completely understood each other, but the very fact that they could talk about it would likely make Im Mi-ra happy.

On the other hand, Seo Eun-a’s feelings towards Im Mi-ra looked quite complicated. There was no doubt that Seo Eun-a disliked Im Mi-ra. The feeling was mutual, but nonetheless, it was Seo Eun-a who made the worst first impression. Yet, there was something unexpected about Seo Eun-a, something like…

…she looked somewhat happy.

Could it be she felt she had finally made a friend? I couldn’t know if she had friends before, but her reaction was telling. It was akin to a nasty loner finally having their first friend—not that she would admit it, but the outside view of her reaction appeared unexpectedly cute.

Of course, I wouldn’t bring this up with Jae-Ah. It would just be rude to Seo Eun-a.

“They’re always bickering, but they don’t seem to hate each other that much.”

“Lie. I don’t believe it. No way does my sister have a friend. That’s impossible, realistically.”

It seemed Jae-Ah held a solid belief about her sister. I wondered what had happened between them to harbor such loathing. Is this what siblings are like? They weren’t blood-related, but I didn’t get the same sort of feeling with Chaerin.

I didn’t have blood-related siblings, so I would likely remain clueless about it.

“Speaking of which, I think when I was at your house before, your sister said she was going out briefly to meet a friend.”

“Just a lie, right? She’s claimed she has no friends.”

“Then what was she doing for about 30 minutes?”

“Who knows. Certainly not me.”

There must have been something she couldn’t share with me. Anyway, the tutoring sessions that restarted with Jae-Ah continued at a steady pace.

However, the results of the tutoring weren’t satisfactory. Jae-Ah seemed preoccupied, and she still couldn’t rewrite the novel she had begun last year. She was only busy making corrections to the story she had brought before, and it felt like the initial passion was somewhat lost. Could it have been the long break from tutoring that caused this issue?

With this type of tutoring, immediate visible results don’t come easily, so there wasn’t much I could do besides hope that Jae-Ah could concentrate.

I could only speculate that the reason for Jae-Ah’s absence from school was playing a part in this. Asking about such things directly was also difficult.

“Well, if she has really made a friend, I hope it helps her improve her personality. It’s always a hassle when she sees me.”

…At that moment, I couldn’t help but pause at what I heard. Jae-Ah didn’t seem to notice my unusual reaction and continued speaking.

“She hides it in front of Dad and Mom, but she gets all worked up whenever it’s just us. She has the worst personality—before, she made a stink about using her own cup. Like, does she even have her name written on it, for crying out loud?”

“Ah, yeah… I see.”

Perhaps my response was lackluster; Jae-Ah lifted her head from her phone. Then her expression slightly changed.

“…Wait? Oh, uh, no, that’s not what I meant, ah… um… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine… Well, I used to say things like that often.”

For sure, I had uttered similar phrases. Of course, I had never said something like that openly in front of another girl, but I had thought in those terms by myself and had definitely used those words when talking with Hwa-won.

Vulgar, but effective, powerful, and expressive.

Still, I wouldn’t just throw it around carelessly. I could differentiate between social situations. However, it wasn’t entirely devoid of its usage, and I had never felt guilty or uncomfortable about it.

I sometimes laughed at women who were overly sensitive about such expressions.

Where you stand changes the landscape you see.

That was my fault.

I still didn’t think the way I acted back then was wrong. The problem lay with the world. Thus, the one who had changed was my own self that had transformed into something wrong.

The past version of myself, which hadn’t been wrong, caused wounds to my current self, which was wrong now. And I couldn’t complain about it or blame anyone else. It was entirely my own doing, and all those matters became my wrongs.

Experiencing and actually hearing those expressions was… horrifying.

The dissonance created by imagining my past and present in comparison was more significant than the power that the expression itself carried.

“I didn’t really say anything to your brother.”

“It’s fine. Just be careful with it elsewhere. I might not care, but others will be taken aback if they hear that kind of talk.”

Although I hadn’t specifically said it to Jae-Ah, I was sure she could tell about the symptoms I referred to as subtly indicating that I was under a spell, meaning experiencing menstruation. I could tell my expression had likely turned stony.

Well… anyway, it was a distinctly strong and blunt language. Separately, it was best not to use such phrases in other places, so I thought that was all I needed to say.

Still, the atmosphere turned awkward suddenly, and there was no helping that. Trying to break the uncomfortable silence, Jae-Ah brought up various topics, like the web novels she had been reading lately, her own conceived story, and movies she had recently watched… and I tried my best to engage with her.

Still, it seemed she had a proper story she wanted to write.

“So, did you see movies like ‘Call Me by Your Name’ or ‘Moonlight’? Are they fun? Nah, they weren’t fun at all. I just watched them to check them out, you know, for reference.”

Both were queer films. The original story she was working on was queer-themed, so it wasn’t unusual. The direction, however, was utterly opposite.

‘Call Me by Your Name’ was a film about romance between two white men. Unlike typical queer films that depict ordinary realities, it presented an ideal world where they could love each other openly. In contrast, ‘Moonlight’ depicted the life of a black man born gay, showcasing a bleak reality while also revealing the light we can discover amidst it.

The two films addressed completely opposing aspects beyond just their different skin colors. Jae-Ah’s words came to mind.

Two-sword style.

Her ambition to encompass genre and lines.

I resolved to help her avoid becoming a gray figure.

It was good to see works with differing orientations. However, looking at the story Jae-Ah was revising… it seemed something was somewhat off.

“It’s a bit ambiguous.”

“What? The movie?”

“No, your writing.”

“…What do you mean?”

“It’s weak.”

It was weak.

The power behind Jae-Ah’s writing was too feeble. The subject matter she had chosen, a romance between a lesbian who sees herself as female and a gay man who sees himself as male, certainly had groundbreaking and strong potential.

However, Jae-Ah’s novel was weak. Literally, it lacked power. The longing was weak. The despair was weak. It was uncertain.

“It’s not that it has no strength. However, it shows a lack of experience, I suppose—of course, you might not have had such experiences, but being a writer means it’s a job of imagination. You need an imagination based on experiential knowledge. That’s likely due to the time you’ve spent until now. Sufficient indirect experience should underpin your imagination, and at this point, it feels like your studies are lacking a bit.”

“…Is that so?”

“Well, since you’re watching queer films and trying to study that way, you’ll improve gradually. The issue that I was worried about is that it seems to be mixing the two extremes. You referred to it as a two-sword style, but in that case, it’s merely handling a twisted single sword. This also applies to that novel you serialized. You’re not effectively managing the two swords; in fact, you’re merely waving one sword in two directions.”

Two-sword style is never easy, and I had warned her about that. It was Jae-Ah who chose such a challenging future. With her current ambiguous and uncertain stance, she couldn’t keep up.

“You must be able to become the real thing. Not leaning towards one side, but both, seeing the extremes of emotions. A while ago, Professor Seo and your father said something—have you read ‘A Q’s Sad Story’?”

“Yes.”

“A Q is truly a pathetic, worthless character, right? And through that character, Lu Xun is satirizing so much. Usually, when we read such novels, we try to learn from him as a negative example. But the professor said differently.”

“In what way?”

“We must be able to love A Q.”

“…That?”

“This isn’t about love for the character. It’s a discourse on craft. To write a novel, create a story, and interpret it, we must become that character, think, and love as they would. Your novel lacks that. It’s vague everywhere. The depth of thought and philosophy is shallow. The ambitions are grand, but it lacks sincerity. It’s not really about sexual orientation, but have you ever been a gay person? Have you ever been a lesbian? No? So, you need to imagine all the way through to ensure a perfect forgery.”

“…That’s not easy.”

“It’s true. Still, it’s a point we have to keep pushing forward.”

I sincerely hope my words become good medicine for Jae-Ah. Honestly, they felt a bit harsh, but if she went to a creative writing class, this level of critique wouldn’t be surprising. Compared to what I was critiquing in college, this was much milder and kinder.

Regardless, I can’t imagine it felt good. After I finished speaking, Jae-Ah’s expression looked a bit stiff. Yet I believe this conversation will bring her some new insights and learning, as that was the purpose of this tutoring.

You can write good prose.

If you have the longing.

However, during the discussion, I didn’t manage to see Jae-Ah’s expression.