Chapter 115

“Wow, you came in quite a cute outfit.”

“…It’s a disguise.”

Seomun-sook chuckled.

“Come in, let’s have a cup of tea.”

After a moment, the two of us found ourselves sitting at a desk facing each other.

“Coffee—this time, I added a lot of sugar, so it shouldn’t be hard to drink.”

Ah, she probably noticed my expression from earlier. I felt embarrassed, but the consideration itself was welcome.

“Did the contract go well?”

“Um… yes, thanks to you.”

The coffee was definitely sweeter than before and drinkable. After taking a sip and breathing deeply, I lowered my head and said what I needed to.

“…I’m sorry.”

“Pardon?”

When I lifted my head, Seomun-sook had a puzzled expression.

“…It’s about the scandal with your son. I’m sorry. I caused trouble.”

“Oh, that incident. It’s fine. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Still, because of me…”

“It was Kang-hyeon who suggested going out first, right? Since he couldn’t manage properly, if we’re assigning blame, it’s more on him. He’s reflecting on it himself.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“So, is the reason for your visit to apologize?”

“It’s also to express my gratitude. I imagine publishing the book wasn’t an easy decision.”

“Oh, that’s fine too. The contract was purely for profit. There were no personal motives. I separate business from personal matters.”

Even though she said that, it was undeniable that Seomun-sook saw me positively and treated me well.

I found middle-aged women difficult. I could even say it was uncomfortable. Was it always like this? I can’t say for sure since I didn’t have any interactions with middle-aged women back then.

For some unknown reason, the middle-aged women I had met since I became like this seemed to have a favorable opinion of me. And while I couldn’t reject their goodwill, I was simultaneously wary of it. Maybe that’s why. I felt uneasy while expressing my gratitude.

I impulsively spoke up.

“Why are you being so kind to me?”

“Why do you say that?”

“…We don’t have that much of a connection.”

“I don’t think I’ve treated you exceptionally well. Honestly, given the situation when we first met, I would have helped anyone else in the same position. Kang-hyeon’s issues are primarily his fault, and I didn’t refuse the contract because I saw potential in it. There’s nothing special about it.”

That might be true. But even so, that didn’t explain this kind of attitude. Seomun-sook, and Madame Seo, and even the middle-aged female doctor I met at the hospital—all of them showed me an inexplicable kindness.

Or perhaps it was slightly different.

That kindness wasn’t born from liking someone.

“…You know I’m not saying that, right?”

“That’s exactly the case.”

It was an impulsive question. So, I couldn’t control myself even more. This anxious feeling, perhaps it stemmed from that day. I ended up saying words I shouldn’t have. Those words weren’t a matter of courtesy toward Seomun-sook.

“…Is it because you feel sorry for me?”

That statement was wounding me.

All three were middle-aged women.

And normally, middle-aged women…

“Is it because I’m a child abandoned by my mother, and you feel pity?”

It was about my mother.

I vaguely sensed it. The kindness in their eyes stemmed from pity.

But I shouldn’t have brought it up. That statement would treat their goodwill as cheap pity, and above all, it was the most painful thing to me. I could no longer deny it.

“…”

After I spoke, I realized my mistake. This wasn’t right. I couldn’t ignore it. But after saying it, what remained was nothing but misery and regret.

“…It could be.”

And the fact that Seomun-sook didn’t deny it made it even more tormenting.

“I’m sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me.”

“If my attitude came off that way, I apologize.”

“No, it’s not your fault, Madam. I’m just a foolish idiot.”

I would have preferred it if tears had come out. It would have been extremely embarrassing, but at least I could escape this situation. I pretended to wipe away nonexistent tears. It felt like invisible tears were continuously flowing.

“I feel like I ruin everything. I wish I had never been born.”

Suddenly, a wave of overwhelming depression surged. That day’s emotions felt similar. There wasn’t a disease in particular. This was the true ailment—one that devours dignity more than the body.

It was selfish and immature to voice such words to someone I had only met twice. Both were things I shouldn’t impose on others.

Seomun-sook was undoubtedly a good person. This was evidenced by the way she watched my sudden outburst with concern. It seemed she didn’t have the qualities of a comforting person, but she had patience that allowed her to wait.

“Are you calmed down now?”

As I tried to collect my thoughts and took another sip of coffee, Seomun-sook asked.

“…I’m sorry. How embarrassing it is to act like this in front of others.”

“I don’t mind, so you don’t have to worry about it either.”

After that, there weren’t any notable conversations. We talked a bit about Ji Kang-hyeon, and then I left the office with Seomun-sook seeing me off.

I closed the door and sighed deeply.

…Should I greet the editor before heading back?

When I sent a text, a quick reply came saying I would be right there. True to those words, it didn’t take long for Kang Jin-soo to arrive. However, he wasn’t alone.

“Who’s that?”

“This is the person I mentioned introducing earlier. She works in the web novel management department.”

“Oh, hello.”

A huge person seemed to be very nervous, stuttering as she bowed. She was a woman with quite long curly hair.

“…Hello.”

I greeted back. Then the woman raised her head, and indeed… she was tall.

In many ways, tall.

She didn’t appear heavyset, but even when she lowered her head, I had to look up at her. Honestly, at this point, it could simply be concluded that she was tall, but there was something else that was large.

…Her chest was astonishingly big.

Naturally, my first impression got completely overshadowed by that enormity. I thought that if I met her and parted today, I wouldn’t remember anything but that chest. It was on par with the women I had seen in adult videos before.

The woman was wearing a gray sweater that looked a bit thick. Even though she was bundled up without any exposure, she somehow gave off an oddly bewitching vibe.

“I have my own work to attend to, so I’ll leave you two to talk.”

With that, Kang Jin-soo left us behind. In the awkward atmosphere, we faced each other, though the woman was slightly avoiding eye contact.

“Um… Excuse me?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh, yes. I’m completely fine. Perfect.”

The woman continued to fidget. Was her awkwardness not just simple shyness?

We settled into the reception room. Thinking back, we hadn’t even introduced ourselves yet.

“As you may know, my name is Seol-guk.”

“Yes, yes.”

…Why did her response suddenly stop there? Normally, wouldn’t this be the moment for her to share her name?

“Um, you should respond too. Like, your name.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. My name is Han-bom. The surname is Han, and my given name is Bom. I have three younger siblings: Han Yeoreum, Han Ga-eul, and Han Gyeoul. Yeoreum and Gyeoul are girls, and Ga-eul is a boy.”

“…I didn’t ask for all that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. People sometimes ask about my siblings.”

Why is she stuttering so much? I can’t conclusively say since we’ve only just met, but could such a person manage in society? I started getting a bit irritated, but I figured it wouldn’t do me any good, so I should try to endure it.

“Why are you stuttering so much?”

I could no longer hold back.

“…I’m n-nervous.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“…Well, that’s actually…”

“Actually?”

“…I am…”

“I am?”

“…a fan of yours.”

Upon hearing that, I paused for a moment. I felt the need to reassess my judgment. I had never quite experienced a situation like this, so my mind was a bit slow.

I fixed my previous irritation. Taking away 50 points for the stuttering, I’d give her 60 points for her current statement. Since her base was already in the negatives, even with the 60 points, she was still below zero, but I felt a little better than before.

“Really?”

“Yes, I have all your books.”

“I only have three books published.”

“I have all three.”

“…Which one did you like? The Boy’s Womb?”

“Oh, no. I prefer the short story collection. Ah, not to say The Boy’s Womb was bad, but the emotion you showed in the short stories fit me better. I found it beautiful.”

This was an intriguing case. Among my books, the only one that could be called a hit was the long one, The Boy’s Womb. I had released two short story collections, but honestly, they hadn’t sold particularly well and had faded away without much fanfare.

“Thank you. I didn’t expect to meet a fan here.”

“…It really was great.”

Is this what it feels like to meet a fan in reality? As a third-rate novelist who has never held a signing event, this was a first for me. Jae-Ah and Ji Kang-hyeon had read my books, but neither of them were particularly fond of them.

“In contrast to The Boy’s Womb, I felt a fairy tale-like quality in the short stories, as if they were imbedded in a dark night sky. Of course, they aren’t poems, but they were poetic writings. No matter how dark it was, it conveyed the feeling that there was always a moon hidden within. It seemed like you wrote them more lightly, so they were lighter, and therefore more beautiful. Stories like ‘Crow Swan’ or ‘Winged Shark’ are my favorites.”

It indeed seemed like this woman was truly my fan. The Boy’s Womb had been written with great effort, while the short stories were lighthearted and written more freely.

Even the idea of being poetic wasn’t too far off. I had written poetry so poorly that I detested it. But I envied the power and emotion that poetry possessed, so I had tried to imitate it as much as I could in those short stories.

…Though I didn’t know if I held any influence over the poem my mother had read to me.

“As a fellow writer, I believe expressing such emotions is never easy, and though these short stories weren’t refined, they honestly enter the hearts of people. Sure, many of them are sad tales, but nonetheless, they convey the message that life doesn’t end.”

From a writer’s perspective?

“Do you write?”

“Oh, yes. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I write poems occasionally.”

…?

Suddenly, I felt a sense of déjà vu from the name Han-bom.

I excused myself briefly to check my phone and searched for the name Han-bom. More precisely, “Poet Han-bom.”

“…”

Ah.

“…You’re a senior, aren’t you?”

She’s someone who has published before me.

She is older than me, from a different field but debuted much earlier. She has already published several poetry collections.

Two years older, 29 years old. This woman named Han-bom appeared to look like a newcomer fresh out of university.

…Except for her chest.

“At 29… you’re older than me.”

“Oh, um, I guess so.”

Now that I think about it, I remember hearing a rumor about a strange poet who attended one of Korea’s top business schools but debuted in her first year and dropped out right after.

Logically, it seemed irrational that one could make a living solely off poetry, yet she bizarrely dropped out of school to write verses. Honestly, if there’s one thing I respect, it’s that mindset—it’s a notion that’s quite insane.

That person was now right in front of me.

“…You can speak informally to me.”

“Oh, um, should I?”

I think I mentioned this before, but most women who write poetry fall into one of two categories.

Crazy or foolish.

…But I never thought I’d meet someone who is both.

“…Why are you working here?”

“…Because my books don’t sell.”