Chapter 103

All visitors had finished their visits. Since I was the last, there were not many people left after I came out. The visiting hours were already over, and it was late at night. The director seemed to have a few days left, so it was not possible to stay in the hospital any longer.

Above all, the director had said that no further visits would be allowed. According to Chaerin, just being able to talk like this at the end was a miraculous thing, considering the large amount of narcotic painkillers that had been administered.

Nonetheless, I could not easily leave the hospital and return home. Just then, Chaerin, who had stayed with me until the very end, suggested something.

“If you don’t want to go alone, would you like to come with me?”

“Where to?”

“Until not long ago, the director was at a general university hospital. I learned about this and came to help the director. I also helped with the move here. For now, I’m in the capacity of a guardian, so I can sleep in the guardian’s lounge here. Of course, the facilities aren’t particularly good, and I have to share with others.”

“That’s acceptable for me.”

“Are you sure? You might attract some attention.”

Until now, I hadn’t properly cared, but I didn’t have a hat to cover my head. However, I didn’t want to refuse this suggestion for that reason. Above all, this place was a nursing hospital.

“It’s fine. Anyway, the people here… don’t seem to have the luxury for that.”

“That’s true.”

In fact, when I entered the lounge, I didn’t feel any eyes on me. Even the few people who glanced at me didn’t show much interest.

Before coming, Chaerin had informed me of some precautions. Since most guardians were family members of long-term patients and were sensitive, it was advisable not to make noise or have unnecessary conversations.

This hospital allowed guardians to stay. It turned out that only those who didn’t stay in the patient’s room were gathered in the lounge. This meant that there were reasons they had to be there. The room itself was hardly suitable for proper sleeping.

The atmosphere was somewhat unexpected. It was correct to think that there was no leisure. However, sadness and despair from family deaths were not the only feelings that were apparent. Familiar lethargy, pain, and resignation were visible in them. It felt more realistic than the vague melancholy I had imagined, a sense of exhaustion.

I could guess to some extent. They were not people who had suddenly faced the death of their family. They were waiting for a family member’s death, which could come unexpectedly at any time. The longer that waited, the more sadness would turn to pain, and despair to lethargy.

Deliverance would come only after that sudden death occurred. It was a brutally cruel thing. They could never wish for deliverance, but they might also wish that it would never come. Nonetheless, deliverance would come.

The gloomy atmosphere seemed to seep inside me. I hugged the blanket Chaerin had given me. I forced myself to grasp the sleep that wouldn’t come. I barely managed to cling to sleep, but it kept trying to escape.

Finally, the moment I lost my grip on sleep, there was no one beside me. Seeing no sign of sleep returning, I looked for someone beside me and eventually went outside.

In the lobby, I saw some nurses at the desk with the light on, and I spotted Chaerin sitting in a chair in front. I went straight over and spoke to her.

“What are you doing up?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Is it because of the director?”

“No, I’m used to it now. I’ve accepted it.”

“Accepting that the director is going to die soon?”

“No, it’s just that I’m not such a good person, and the fact that the director’s death doesn’t plunge me into terrible despair doesn’t make me sad either.”

“You’re smart.”

“Why aren’t you sleeping more?”

“For similar reasons.”

“We’re like siblings.”

Of course, we weren’t really siblings.

I sat down next to Chaerin. It reminded me of the days when we read books together as kids. Our heights were completely opposite now, but somehow, being this close felt familiar.

“Well, I’m a bit shaken by Cheolwoo’s incident too.”

“That’s…”

“What do you think would have driven him to kill?”

“…I don’t know. He never talked about family.”

“Did he ever mention anything about my family?”

“No.”

“I see.”

Chaerin stared into space. She was an emotionally rich child. Even if she hadn’t been, the story of someone I knew becoming a murderer was shocking. Was that why she brought up family, something she had never spoken about before?

“I still remember. My mother, my brother, and I were living together. I don’t remember how my mother looked, but I have a faint memory of my brother’s face.”

Mother, and brother, huh.

“One day, I woke up and my mother was gone. For the first few days, my brother begged for food, keeping me alive. But my brother was only slightly older than me, still just a kid, and there were limits to what he could do.”

Chaerin’s story was too predictable. Therefore, I could easily guess what would come next. I didn’t want to hear this story, but I had to. It was my obligation, no, my debt to listen.

“My brother bought me ice cream that day. It was summer. We went somewhere far together, he bought me ice cream, told me to wait for a moment, and disappeared. He didn’t come back.”

A clichéd, ordinary tragedy; a similar story, a trite, lack of creativity in the narrative.

“I’m still waiting, you know.”

I really hated that narrative. It was so clichéd that it felt bad. But I wasn’t the author of that story. So I couldn’t revise the plot or retrieve the foreshadowing. I had no words.

So, I just leaned my head on Chaerin’s shoulder for a moment. She leaned back against me too. For a while, we sat there in silence.

“It’s still a bit strange. Seeing how much you’ve changed.”

“People change. I might too.”

“Your personality has definitely changed a bit.”

“It’s been a long time since we met; it would be weirder if I hadn’t changed.”

“Of course, it’s entirely because of you that we haven’t met.”

“…That’s true.”

“Why didn’t you contact anyone? Not even coming to see the director.”

“You didn’t reach out first either.”

“Because you didn’t want to. So I just waited. And I have visited the director a few times.”

“I’ve made donations too.”

“Do you think that absolves you?”

“I didn’t do it for absolution.”

“That sounds like you.”

I looked at Chaerin’s face. Until now, I hadn’t had the chance to look closely, but weariness and a hint of sadness were settled under her eyes like dark circles.

“Please don’t misunderstand.”

“I won’t.”

“I actually liked you. When I was younger.”

“…Hmm.”

“I believe you knew that.”

“That’s…”

I didn’t know.

“You don’t need to answer. Besides, I have a boyfriend now.”

“…Is it okay to talk about this while you have a boyfriend?”

“We slept close together. What’s the big deal? I don’t think my boyfriend will care about it now, seeing you.”

“That’s a bit bitter.”

Of course, that would be the case. Any normal guy would be upset if his girlfriend slept beside another man, but I, unfortunately, was not a man. Now, I had grown accustomed to saying such things, so I wasn’t particularly angry about it; I just chuckled a little.

“Of course, that affection likely didn’t start as a rational feeling. I only thought of you as a substitute for my brother, who abandoned me. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I was just a kid.”

“I didn’t think it was bad.”

“Did you have someone like that too?”

“…I did.”

Maybe I still do.

“So, I’m just a little complaining, I guess. As a way to vent my feelings. It’s not that I don’t understand why you wanted to forget everyone so fast, but I still felt abandoned again. It was a bit miserable.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“I feel like we’re either becoming adults too early or too late. Don’t you think?”

“I really do.”

“It’s so unfamiliar to hear you apologizing and speaking so gently. You aren’t my brother anymore, are you?”

Of course not. Chaerin smiled, as if joking after saying that. I feel like I smiled a bit too, or maybe I cried.

“Tomorrow you should go back. You could stay here like I have, but you can’t just stay here for days on end. You’ll probably need to come back a few days later.”

“…I don’t know.”

“I’m going to head back in. Come back after some air.”

“Even indoors?”

No response came to my last joke, and Chaerin returned to her room. Left alone, I just remained there.

As Chaerin said, we have become adults too quickly. And yet, we still hadn’t really become adults.

I just existed there.

~

I sat for quite a while longer, and before dawn, at a time that was a bit too early to be called morning, I returned to the room. Chaerin was still asleep. I tried to sleep next to her again and, fortunately, managed to fall asleep easily this time.

When I woke up, it was already past eleven o’clock. The quality of sleep hadn’t been very good, and with my bleary eyes, I went to the bathroom to wash up a bit before coming out.

I called Chaerin.

I intended to meet her one last time before I left. Shortly, Chaerin answered the phone.

“Where are you?”

“I had something come up. I’m in the break room for now.”

“What happened?”

“The director is receiving a visit.”

“Didn’t you say everyone who would come has come? Didn’t the director also say they couldn’t receive anyone else?”

Chaerin paused for a moment, and then she told me something that had its own reason.

“…The director’s son has come.”

That message carried the news that someone who had said they wouldn’t come had arrived. In front of one who accepted death.