Chapter 89

The thoughts that came to mind when I saw him were not grand enough to be called a plan.

Of course, there would be a skirt among the clothes in the box the man brought, clothes that Seo Eun-a wore during her childhood. Normally, I wouldn’t want to wear Seo Eun-a’s clothes, but given the emergency, I had no choice but to set aside my stubbornness.

When I rummaged through the box, I found several intact skirts, just as I expected. I roughly estimated the sizes and filtered through the skirts, eventually finding a dark navy skirt with a modest design. I had never worn a skirt in my life, but there was no particular problem in wearing one. The design was simple enough that I could figure it out just by looking.

After hastily changing into the clothes, the bell rang again. The man had returned with sanitary pads. He handed a pack to me, looking somewhat exasperated.

“I’m not very good with these. I bought them in various sizes, so just use whatever fits.”

“Thank you.”

While the man was out, I had already done some searching about sanitary pads online. Since it was my first period, I had no idea if my flow would be heavy or light, and I couldn’t distinguish between the types. The sanitary pads the man brought were standard winged pads, familiar to most.

He had brought three types: medium, large, and small. I considered using the large for safety, but it was larger than expected and ended up protruding outside my underwear, so I ultimately chose the medium. I awkwardly put on the sanitary pad. It felt truly disgusting.

Would I have to wear something like this every month from now on? It was horrifying.

I found out that there are pads designed to be worn like underwear, which are practically like diapers. However, I couldn’t tell which one would damage my dignity as a man more—sanitary pads or diapers.

In truth, once an adult man starts bleeding from his groin, there wouldn’t be any dignity left to lose, regardless of whether he wore a sanitary pad or a diaper.

I shoved the blood-stained tissues into the trash bin in the room. I threw on the light outerwear I found earlier and wore a cap to hide my white hair. When I entered the living room, the man was still standing there, looking confused. His wrinkled expression, stuck in place without finding somewhere to sit, stuck in my mind.

“I’m sorry. You must have been waiting.”

“No, it’s… fine.”

The problem of not being able to wear pants and the issue of replacing the sanitary pad with tissues had been resolved. In fact, I didn’t necessarily need the man anymore, but since I had decided to accept his help, I wanted to receive as much as I could.

He probably had a good idea of what I wanted.

“Did you bring the car?”

“Yes, I’ll take you to the hospital. It seems a bit awkward for you to take public transport in that condition.”

“Thank you.”

I was relieved that our communication was going smoothly.

When we went outside, I saw the car the man had parked. I didn’t know much about cars, as always, but it didn’t seem cheap. However, it also wasn’t a very expensive foreign car that would make my mouth drop open at first sight like Ham Yejin’s car.

I told him which hospital to go to, and soon the car started moving. Unlike when I got into Ham Yejin’s car, we didn’t immediately engage in friendly conversation. The man probably had nothing particular to say to me. But from my perspective, I had something to bring up, so it was ultimately my role to break the silence.

“Um, can I ask for your name?”

“It’s Park Il-Woong. Just call me however you like.”

“Brother?”

He didn’t seem to be younger than me at a glance. His face suggested he was at least in his late twenties, maybe early thirties.

So, it wasn’t incorrect to address him as “brother” in my case. It was a term I naturally used, but perhaps it wasn’t the case for Park Il-Woong, as he cleared his throat rather awkwardly. Meanwhile, he was driving perfectly.

“It’s a bit odd to be called that. Isn’t there another term?”

“Well, I may not look it, but I’m…”

“No, I understand that, but honestly, it’s a bit strange for me to see you acting like that.”

“How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-nine.”

He looked older than that. When I said he looked to be in his late twenties, I meant he appeared to be over thirty.

“Since we’re only a year apart, I think it’s fitting to call you brother.”

“Just feel free to call me anything else…”

“Sir?”

“Should I call you miss then?”

That was an excellent block. Seeing him respond to my comment about feeling awkward with such composure indicated he had quick wit.

After all, we might not have many more chances to see each other after today. The formality of titles wasn’t a huge problem. Still, this kind of conversation helped to ease the somewhat awkward atmosphere. Regardless, I had to say what I needed to say.

“Anyway, it was quite dangerous, but thanks to you, I survived. I’m sure it must have been inconvenient for you, so I really appreciate your help.”

“Yeah… well, don’t worry about it. Leaving you there was a bit unsettling too.”

“But… can I ask for one more favor?”

“Since I’ve already helped you, just speak comfortably. I don’t have any special plans for today, and I’ll give you a ride back as well.”

“It’s nothing significant. I just wanted you to keep this matter a secret from Ham Yejin.”

I didn’t think it was too much to ask. It was obvious that my first period would become known, but I didn’t want anyone to find out about this embarrassing situation.

I had expected he would agree without hesitation, but for some reason, his response was delayed. I waited, feeling slightly anxious.

“Well, I understand that it’s embarrassing for you if that kind of thing gets out, but I also have my own position. Even if I don’t bring it up first, if you ask me about it, I can’t remain silent. So that might be a bit difficult.”

Was the employment relationship in the 21st century that rigid? I couldn’t imagine Ham Yejin scolding him about this either. I had no way of questioning the dynamics of a wealthy family.

However, since what I was hoping for was likely to be that level of confidentiality, it wouldn’t be a significant issue for me.

“That’s sufficient. Thank you.”

After that, there wasn’t really anything else to discuss, so I didn’t have to initiate conversation. However, perhaps it was that he had become more comfortable or that the atmosphere had softened; he suddenly brought up a topic.

“It feels a bit different than I expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable. Just from what I heard, you sounded like you were a bit prickly, but when I first saw you, you seemed to be having a rough day, and today, you were surprisingly easygoing.”

Easygoing. That made me reflect on my behavior a little.

I had been a bit unreserved. I had asked a near-stranger to buy me sanitary pads and had been bossing him around, plus I just made a joke calling him “sir.”

I didn’t know if Ham Yejin had talked about me or if he heard things online, but it wasn’t incorrect to say that I was generally prickly.

Ham Yejin was a woman, after all, and when I first met her, my attitude had certainly not been gentle. Most negative comments about me online would probably be written by women. So from their perspective, especially considering my recent behavior, it wouldn’t be surprising to hear I was prickly.

However, that was only from a woman’s standpoint. I didn’t usually behave that harshly toward men. I often joked around with Professor Seo and generally got along well with Hwa-won and Jae-Ah. I hadn’t developed deep relationships, but I maintained a decent level of connection in shallow interactions. Based on my experiences with men, I wasn’t the kind of person most would be reluctant to hang out with.

…It was likely that way.

Therefore, my behavior toward Park Il-Woong wasn’t particularly strange.

Though it didn’t feel entirely normal.

“I apologize if I offended you.”

“No, it’s not like that. You don’t need to apologize.”

While talking with Park Il-Woong, my energy had definitely been higher than usual. Normally, I would say I seemed to be in a good mood, but right now, it clearly felt excessive.

It was understandable given that just before, I was complaining about bleeding from my groin. I wondered if I was calming down? Was it because I didn’t have to awkwardly show off my embarrassing condition in front of others? If wearing a pad meant I felt stable, then that would truly be the end.

However, after this moment, I never truly felt secure. I was the one who understood that best.

With his one remark, my tension dropped again. This erratic mood was likely a side effect of my period. It should have been.

After that, Park Il-Woong began bringing up various small talk topics I hadn’t even asked about. His earlier comment wasn’t meant to blame me. He turned out to be more talkative than expected, contrary to appearances.

I tried to show no signs of my lowered mood while providing appropriate responses. During our conversation, the car finally arrived at the hospital.

I adjusted my hat to hide my hair and got out of the car. As I saw Park Il-Woong taking on a somewhat awkward stance getting out of the driver’s seat, I suddenly brought up the question that had come to my mind earlier.

“Why were you just standing in the living room earlier?”

That scene from earlier, where he was just standing there while there was a sofa right next to him, flashed back in my mind. Did he think he shouldn’t sit down without the owner’s permission?

“Oh, about that sofa…”

Park Il-Woong did not finish his sentence, but in that instant, I understood why he hadn’t sat on the sofa. And I remembered what I had asked.

…The sofa probably still had blood on it. I hadn’t cleaned it properly.

Feeling embarrassed, I suddenly hiccupped. At the same time, I felt something shift and emerge from my groin.

I knew that menstruation wasn’t just a matter of bleeding, and I had seen such phenomena being described online before, but experiencing it firsthand was a completely different feeling.

The expression “giving birth to a warm shell” fit perfectly.

Seeing my complexion suddenly worsen, Park Il-Woong asked, “Are you all right?”

“…Yes. I guess I asked a difficult question.”

Of course, I couldn’t answer that my sudden change in complexion was because I just expelled a chunk mixed with blood from my groin.

We headed into the hospital. I left a text for the doctor letting them know I had arrived. Naturally, Park Il-Woong accompanied me, as I intended to catch a ride back with him later anyway. I figured he wouldn’t follow me into the examination room.

After checking in, I was guided straight in without having to wait. I left Park Il-Woong waiting outside as I entered the consultation room.

In there was the doctor who had initially declared that I had become a woman.

“It’s been a while, Seol-guk. How have you been?”

“I haven’t been all that well, I think. Especially today.”

I told the doctor about my recent condition, frequent abdominal pain, and difficulty controlling my emotions. The doctor listened quietly before speaking.

“Well, it doesn’t sound like there are any specific issues. The discomfort you’ve been experiencing is likely a result of your body developing as you enter your menstrual cycle. But let’s run some simple tests just to be safe.”

“Okay.”

“Any additional examinations and tests will be conducted by another doctor, not me.”

“Aren’t you the one who will take care of me?”

“Well, considering the subject matter…”

What was he talking about? I had heard that this doctor typically saw patients with TS conditions in this country, so was there really a need to call in another doctor?

The mystery was soon resolved.

“Since it’s about menstruation… it wouldn’t look good for a man like me to conduct the examination. A female gynecologist will examine you better. Of course, if you’re uncomfortable since you were originally a man, I can take care of it.”

Oh.

Was that the issue?

…I didn’t really know what kind of tests they would conduct, but if it involved that aspect, I would naturally have to undress and show my personal shame to others. The doctor’s logic was entirely reasonable.

Perhaps if it had been shortly after I had changed, I might have considered continuing my care with this doctor. In any case, whether it was a man or woman conducting the exam, exposing myself was equally embarrassing. If I had to choose, I would probably prefer a familiar man.

…But not now.

Right now, to me, the man,

who remembers that hand,

was not the person.

No longer.