Chapter 86

An ordinary life continued, or at least, it appeared ordinary. I could have left Ham Yejin’s house at any moment, but neither she nor I spoke about it, continuously putting off the conversation.

Two weeks passed in this manner.

The weather grew colder. Summer had ended, and the brief autumn was preparing to close the chapter of the four seasons.

Since coming to Ham Yejin’s house, I had hardly gone out alone, but on her days off, we occasionally took walks together. The first time we went out, the weather was still somewhat cool, but it was gradually getting chillier, hinting at a change.

Muk Ha-neul suggested that we go shopping for winter clothes together. It was a given, but I had no winter clothes. Among the clothes I received from Professor Seo, there were some winter garments, but I felt it was too burdensome to wear them just yet.

Going shopping together wasn’t a new occurrence for us, and under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have had any special reason to refuse.

The reason I delayed my response was because of Ham Yejin. She had received the same offer.

If we were to follow the order, Ham Yejin spoke up first. When I received the proposal, I couldn’t bring myself to accept it immediately, so I hesitated, only for Muk Ha-neul to make the same offer shortly after. It was a coincidence, but since both proposals arrived without any delay, I found myself at a loss.

In the end, accepting the offer from either one would be discourteous to the other, so I couldn’t accept either proposal.

Of course, there was also the option of the three of us going together, but unfortunately, we weren’t on good enough terms to casually suggest shopping as a trio. No matter how I looked at it, Ham Yejin and Muk Ha-neul didn’t seem compatible, and ironically, both had given me vague warnings to watch out for the other.

After sighing at the message, I scrolled through my messenger.

Naturally, someone who hadn’t contacted me came into view.

In those two weeks, Gang Hwa-won and I had not communicated even once. And despite the two-week gap, my weak human connections meant that my chat with Hwa-won hadn’t disappeared from the first page.

I lacked the courage to reach out. So, I didn’t. Hwa-won probably couldn’t contact me for some reason either—perhaps it was time or maybe some rationale. It couldn’t have been a lack of courage.

Thinking of the time, Hwa-won must have already returned to Korea, but I wasn’t sure of his exact status.

There wasn’t much to say in the chat with Hwa-won. The last conversation was on the phone, so there were no text messages left behind. There was a recording, but I didn’t have the courage to listen to it again.

I felt thoroughly irritated. I was annoyed that Hwa-won hadn’t contacted me. However, what irritated me more was that I, without the courage to contact him first, was waiting for him to reach out. It was a sight I didn’t want to see.

In the end, without contacting Hwa-won again, I tucked my smartphone away.

The TV was still covering the biggest scandal in Korean literature. Soon, Lee Cheon was set to go on trial. Tomorrow was the first hearing. I didn’t know the details about how the case was progressing; I had no idea why he wasn’t being arrested right away or whether the evidence was properly prepared.

Since I hadn’t discussed this topic further with Ham Yejin, I couldn’t gather any information from her either. In my alone time, I had looked it up on TV or the internet, but, of course, the information I could gain was only superficial.

However, I was certainly keeping an eye on the date of Lee Cheon’s trial.

That day, I planned to leave Ham Yejin’s house.

Life with Ham Yejin was comfortable. Much more so than when I lived alone. This was the first time in such a long period that I hadn’t been alone. During my time in the orphanage, of course, I had been with other children, but deep down, I don’t think any of us truly believed we were together.

So I couldn’t indulge in this any further.

This relationship wasn’t a normal one. A relationship where I only received wasn’t healthy. It was clear that I was becoming increasingly dependent on Ham Yejin, and no one would call this a normal friendship.

I didn’t want to rely on her sympathy. Though it seemed ridiculous to say after having received so much already, I still had to do it. I needed to leave before our relationship warped, before we became too familiar with each other.

So, that day would likely be a suitable time. It wasn’t a perfect day, but it was enough to shatter the cracks.

It might provide me with an opportunity to escape this comfortable cradle.

Even if that day arrived, I wasn’t sure if I could shake off the shock. What I only knew was the fact that I probably wouldn’t be able to. Perhaps I could forget forever. However, if that person undoubtedly paid the price, if I could hold them accountable, then maybe something could change for me.

This wasn’t the right path. However, those who’d been hurt often had to walk that path, even if they knew it wasn’t right.

So, that morning before Ham Yejin left for work, I finally spoke up. It felt foolish to hesitate about it. Perhaps I was trembling a little.

I conveyed without showing much emotion that I would leave the house after seeing his trial results tomorrow. Ham Yejin responded.

“Is that so? Let’s do that then.”

Ham Yejin agreed to my words without any particular comment. Aside from repeating “That’s right” three times, there was nothing exceptional.

It wasn’t the reaction I had expected. I had thoughts that she might try to stop me from leaving. There were plenty of excuses—she could say I was still unstable or perhaps that Lee Cheon was still concerned about me.

Just thinking about this was nauseating. Perhaps I wanted her to try and stop me.

I pushed aside the feelings of regret, pretending not to notice.

“Have you thought about our previous conversation?”

“What conversation?”

“The counseling.”

…Of course, she probably hadn’t given it any thought. After I had postponed my answer back then, I hadn’t revisited it in my memory either. While I was struggling with what answer to give, Ham Yejin opened her mouth again.

“Are you worried about the costs?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t worry about the costs. You will receive sufficient support. It seems like there will be news soon regarding an expansion of support for specific rare disease patients. Additional funds will be allocated from the Ministry of Health and Welfare. Also, it is expected that the supervisory role will soon shift to the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family.”

“The Ministry of Gender Equality and Family….”

I had heard of it before, but back then, it didn’t feel real. It seemed that the time had truly come. What would happen to Ham Yejin once the supervisor changed? Would she still visit me?

“Well then, what about you, Ham Yejin?”

“Don’t worry. Even if the supervisor changes, I will continue to visit you.”

“Is that really okay?”

“Well, it’s not like we have a relationship that gets caught up in such things now.”

Even if it wasn’t official duty, we could still be friends.

Indeed, that was true.

Even so, the thought of losing my formal connection with Ham Yejin made me feel a bit uneasy. I, as a person, rarely succeeded in maintaining prolonged friendships.

“…I’ll think about it a bit more.”

However, the fact that I hadn’t reached a conclusion remained, so ultimately, I postponed my answer again. Ham Yejin nodded. I also nodded like a fool.

That night, we watched a movie together. It was “Big Fish” directed by Tim Burton. It was a peaceful and calm film, unlike the bizarre image commonly associated with Tim Burton. However, given that the theme of the movie was about fathers, it didn’t resonate with me much.

My mother had always been an object of hatred for me.

When I was younger, I probably loved my mother. That was something unavoidable. Not all parents love their children. But all children had no choice but to love their parents.

However, that inevitable love soon became longing. And after a long time of suppressing that longing, it became hatred. My longing had already rotted away.

Love, longing, and hatred were emotions I couldn’t control—too powerful.

That’s why, even now, to be tied to the name of “mother” was unavoidable.

But what about my father?

Surprisingly, I had no memory of my father at all. My mother always looked at me and said that I shouldn’t have been born. There were so many times she said I should have been aborted.

However, in all that discourse, there was not a single mention of my father. Neither love nor hatred.

I had never seen my father, nor had I ever heard of him. At that time, the concept of a father didn’t even exist for me. All I had was my mother, and that was all there was in my world.

I only realized the existence of my father after entering the orphanage. But just because I knew of him didn’t mean I could recognize him.

Thus, the existence of my father ended up being nothing more than superficial. The person closest to being my father was the Director, but he could never truly be my father.

However, a woman couldn’t give birth to a child alone. That meant I, too, had a biological father.

What kind of person could he be? For the first time, I wondered. When I was little, my world was entirely filled with my mother, so I never had the time to think about it.

Recently, I had encountered two people who represented the concept of fatherhood.

Lee Cheon and Seo Jae-hak. Both were fathers.

However, the way Lee Cheon and Seo Jae-hak treated their daughters couldn’t be compared.

Which of the two was my father more like? Why did my mother raise me alone? Why had she said nothing about my father?

Light thoughts didn’t last long.

No matter what kind of person he was, nothing would change.

Nothing.

…Nothing.

No matter who my father might have been, it couldn’t justify abandoning me.

The questions had shifted to the familiar hatred.

An exasperatingly personal hatred directed at my mother.

There was a part of me that thought I might find her if she appeared on the news. Yet, until now, there had been no news. Was she alive? If she was, had she not seen the news? If she had, why hadn’t she contacted me yet?

Honestly, I didn’t know well myself. What would I want to do when I met her? I couldn’t even be sure that I truly wanted to meet my mother.

Was it too much to ask for her to have made even a small memory before abandoning me? I wanted to ask that, but then I couldn’t think about what to do after.

Perhaps I might already know the answer to that question.

~

Before the day of Lee Cheon’s trial arrived, I had nearly completed a draft I thought I wouldn’t be able to write properly.

Originally, I intended to continue writing about Se-ne, but I hardly managed to do so. I jotted down a few lines, but I didn’t like them and ended up deleting them because I didn’t know what story to write. It wasn’t surprising since there was no plan or anything from the start.

In the end, I returned to the draft. Previously, I was just tinkering with the plot, but this time, I actually wrote. A novel. A story. Words.

At first, progress was slow, and I ended up mimicking my previous writing too much. But somehow, I started to write little by little, and before I knew it, I had built up a volume.

The alien feeling from the writing gradually became familiar, which was painful. But unfortunately, I had already endured enough pain.

The writing seemed to flow better than I had expected. Aside from the fact that this wasn’t really me, it was perfect.

“Really me”—was I not the real me anymore?

It seemed particularly difficult to keep using sexual metaphors.

In the end, I opted to express things more metaphorically to mislead the audience. As I shifted focus while writing, it certainly produced a different piece than usual.

With the removal of pompous expressions and developments, the writing became a bit more realistic. However, it also became slightly less brutal. The previous draft was a somewhat mythical story, but the current draft had become a realistic tragedy.

Perhaps that’s why it was even more painful.

Since the original less brutal expression had, in fact, become more brutal.

And so, the day was approaching. Though proper completion would still take some time, I had at least finished the fundamental structure of the story.

Suddenly being able to write was significantly influenced by my psychological state.

It was necessary for me to leave this house. To live alone, I had to earn money and be responsible for myself. To live without depending on someone, I had to do the things I must.

I closed my laptop.

Today was the day of Lee Cheon’s trial.

It wouldn’t conclude today, but something would certainly begin.