Chapter 80

The atmosphere became awkwardly silent after the conversation ended, as if a heavy stillness had settled between the two of us.

Neither of us spoke or moved in any way, and a brief but not overly short period of time passed.

I was at a loss for words, and perhaps Ham Yejin was waiting for me to say something. It was my turn to break the silence first.

“Um…”

“Please, go ahead.”

“…I need to use the bathroom.”

My choice felt like a step back, but it wasn’t an escape. I just needed a little time to think alone. I splashed my face with cold water, which helped clear my head a bit. As I looked at myself in the mirror with a wet face, I saw a face that I still didn’t recognize.

The previous me, right after I had become a woman, certainly had a stronger expression. It could be described as fierce; I had received comments about my sharp eyes. I had always been tense, so it made sense.

But now, my face didn’t hold that strong impression. The mirror reflected a girl who looked a bit weary, with droopy eyes. The coloring of my face made me look more sickly than healthy, and it bore an expression that seemed drained of energy and frightened.

Could a person’s impression change so drastically just from a slight alteration in their eyes?

I didn’t want to voice such thoughts, but if someone saw this face, most would likely feel a protective urge. I tried to force a stronger expression on my face, but it didn’t seem to change my impression in any special way.

I slapped my cheeks lightly with both hands to wake myself up.

I dried my face with a towel.

I returned to Ham Yejin.

After that, nothing special happened. She mentioned that she had already eaten. I had filled my stomach with instant noodles, but I had thrown them all up, and I still didn’t feel like eating anything again. Somehow, my lower abdomen was aching a bit today.

Usually, we would watch TV together, but I didn’t want to turn it on in this situation. While it’s true that not every channel was likely covering the same topic, I simply didn’t want to see it. So, there was nothing particularly to occupy us anymore.

In truth, we weren’t long-time friends, nor did we share the same interests. Without the easy medium of television to rely on, our conversation became awkward.

So, ultimately, it fell to me to start speaking again. However, it wasn’t a continuation of our earlier discussion.

“…Ham Yejin, what are your hobbies?”

I opened my mouth as if I were a nervous boy making an initial confession. Even after saying it, I felt foolish. It came out of my mouth because it felt too awkward to remain silent. We had talked about hobbies a few times before. It seemed Ham Yejin noticed the awkwardness of my question too.

“Are you uncomfortable with the silence?”

“…Perhaps.”

“I don’t find it unpleasant. While human hearts are conveyed through speech, there are things that can communicate through silence too. So, you don’t need to force words for my sake.”

“Is that so?”

“And well, as I mentioned, my hobby is collecting dolls. I watch home shopping shows frequently, but it would be hard to call that a hobby. I haven’t played games in a while either.”

“…I see.”

“Seol-guk, your newfound hobby is gaming, right? What else do you enjoy?”

“I read books… When I was a man, I used to drink with friends. I wasn’t the type to go out and have fun; I was a pretty boring human.”

At that moment, Ham Yejin suddenly picked up the remote. I flinched for a moment, but the TV was already on to something else, and she directly switched to the OTT service. Ham Yejin spoke.

“Then, shall we pick something out together?”

“…What do you mean?”

“Do you like movies?”

There was a vast array of movie options displayed on the TV. In the house I originally lived in, there was no TV, and naturally, I hadn’t subscribed to any OTT service.

During my studies in screenwriting, we had classes that focused on writing scripts and studying various films. While not as professional as a film school, I could at least gather a minimal amount of cultural knowledge.

Yet, even with that in mind, I couldn’t say I was familiar with movies. I hadn’t subscribed to an OTT service, and ticket prices had skyrocketed. After graduating, I didn’t have any particular memories of actively seeking out films to watch. Sometimes I’d seen them when Hwa-won dragged me along. Now that I think about it, there were times in my childhood when orphanages took us to the theater. I remember watching “Finding Nemo” during one of those trips.

“…I don’t have enough experience to say I particularly like or dislike anything. I haven’t watched many movies, though I have seen a few for studying purposes.”

“Me too.”

“Then?”

“So, we’re both on the same starting line.”

With that, Ham Yejin began to seriously choose a movie. Then she said,

“Let’s create a hobby together. Something that we can both enjoy. After we watch it, we can discuss it. Not for studying, but as a hobby.”

…Hearing that made something swell inside me.

“…Why are you being so kind to me?”

“Excuse me?”

Ham Yejin was a strange person. Through my life experiences, I’ve learned that there is no such thing as a free kindness in this world. Even my mother had never shown me any kindness.

My human relationships were shallow.

Not to mention Professor Seo, but Muk Ha-neul and Seo Jae-Ah also had relationships that revolved around the medium of my stories. If I hadn’t succeeded, if I lacked talent, Professor Seo would never have taken me on as a student, and then I wouldn’t have met Jae-Ah.

Muk Ha-neul, in essence, had taken a liking to me because of my stories. And that rational attraction she might have had for me was likely based on the instinctual affinities between men and women.

I knew that there were others who hadn’t received any instinctive affection, so it wasn’t something to be blamed. Yet, ultimately, even what Muk Ha-neul felt wasn’t a kindness without any strings.

The director of the orphanage, also known as the house of love, was a person of kindness, and someone I truly respected. However, that kindness wasn’t aimed specifically at me. It was simply because the love that person had was so great that they could share it with everyone.

And that love was spread fairly among everyone in the orphanage, so while I believed the director loved me, it wasn’t something given especially for me. Anyone else would have received that love, even if it had been divided and diminished.

What about Hwa-won?

How did I become friends with Hwa-won?

Our encounter wasn’t particularly dramatic. I met him ordinarily when I got to university, and we just ended up getting close. If there had been something dramatically significant, it probably would have been more awkward. It would mean that we couldn’t become friends without an extraordinary story.

So perhaps that’s why I consider my friendship with Hwa-won to be so strong. We didn’t particularly demand anything from each other. Hwa-won was a troublesome guy who partied every night, flirted with girls, and sometimes got tangled up in love triangles, but he was loyal and didn’t ask for anything in return for our friendship.

I, too, felt the same way.

Thinking back, Hwa-won was the only one who had genuinely shown me unconditional kindness.

However, this friendship was a two-way street. It was a precarious relationship that would collapse if either side demanded anything in return.

We both gave each other a lot of emotional support, but it wasn’t a demand for reciprocation. The moment one of us asked for something in return, our relationship would change drastically.

Thus, I could not understand Ham Yejin.

I couldn’t provide her with any kind of reciprocation. Yet at the same time, I was receiving far too many favors from her. And those favors were undoubtedly given with my consent and according to my needs.

“I know… that my personality isn’t the best. I didn’t hear many compliments when I was a man. I’m neither rich nor humorous. I’m an orphan, and even when I was a man, I heard that I didn’t live up to my looks. Now, I’m not even a man anymore. When I get angry, I curse… I can’t cook and I’m picky. I lack survival skills and I don’t even have a hobby, just a… pathetic human.”

Why are you being so kind to me?

“Is it simply because I’m a person with TS syndrome?”

I couldn’t discern what expression I had on my face.

“Is your kindness towards me because the previous caretakers are gone, and you feel guilty about it?”

Everything Ham Yejin gave me felt terrifying.

I didn’t want to lose that anymore.

Once I realized it, I couldn’t forget it.

Ham Yejin paused the remote and fell silent.

What answer am I expecting? What kind of response do I hope for? What words am I waiting for?

I couldn’t let go anymore.

Whether the beginning of this kindness stemmed from guilt or pity, the moment I understood my feelings,

I still ended up falling in love, and I could not destroy that.