Chapter 76

When I woke up, it was still early morning, not even fully light outside. Next to me, where Ham Yejin should have been, there was only a rabbit stuffed animal shaped like a pillow.

Surprisingly, it was something that had been in Ham Yejin’s bedroom all along. When I first saw it, I was a bit taken aback because it didn’t match Ham Yejin’s image, so I asked her about it, and she unexpectedly said she had a hobby of collecting stuffed animals. In fact, there were various other stuffed animals in Ham Yejin’s bedroom. There weren’t many, but most of them were large plush toys, about the size of my body.

Ham Yejin was still sleeping on a sofa attached to one wall. I didn’t know why there was a sofa in her bedroom, but she hadn’t left me as she had said she wouldn’t.

Although I had less sleep than usual, my mind was clearer than before.

When I turned on my smartphone, there were some notifications.

There were still no messages from Muk Ha-neul. There were no missed calls, and the notification for messages remained stuck at one, meaning she hadn’t even read them. Hwa-won probably hadn’t returned to the country yet either, and since I hadn’t said anything, Hwa-won hadn’t contacted me either.

After clearing all the small notifications, only Jae-Ah’s message remained. It seemed she might be wondering why I had disappeared. I didn’t want to tell her about it. I just mentioned that something urgent came up and I had to go somewhere else. I added that I was in a safe place, so she shouldn’t worry.

Worried that something had happened last night, I quickly checked the news feed, but nothing significant had occurred. There were no new articles related to me.

With a small sigh of relief, I put down my smartphone.

“Are you awake?”

When I turned my head to the side, Ham Yejin, who had woken up, asked me. Despite just waking up, I couldn’t find any signs of sleepiness on her.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Thanks to you.”

“I’m glad.”

A typical morning greeting was exchanged, and the usual morning activities followed. I wasn’t one to diligently wash up and prepare myself in the morning, but Ham Yejin wouldn’t let me just sit there.

Following Ham Yejin’s guidance, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and tidied my hair. Since I had no clothes to change into, I remained in what I wore yesterday.

Once I was dressed, Ham Yejin simply washed up and then sat me at the dining table.

She then spread jam on toast and served it to me.

“I’m sorry. There’s not much to eat at home, so this will have to do today.”

“Thank you for preparing it.”

Unlike me, Ham Yejin finished her meal quickly. By the time I had eaten barely half, she was already done and had put water on for the coffee pot.

While the water boiled, she went back to her room to finish preparing herself. She returned dressed in her usual suit, and poured coffee, preparing two cups just like before.

“I’m sorry, but I need to go to work today, so you’ll be alone at home. I’ll try to come back as quickly as I can, but I can’t guarantee when.”

I nodded. I had expected this. It was Monday, and a typical person would go to work on a Monday.

“And before that… Ah.”

Ham Yejin’s words were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Immediately, she checked the intercom and opened the door.

“Yes, yes. Thank you. Please bring it in.”

A man in a suit carrying a large box came inside. For a moment, I felt intimidated by his fierce expression when our eyes met, but he didn’t pay any attention to me and looked away.

“Ah, excuse me, I’ll leave this here.”

“Thank you.”

Despite seeing me, the man didn’t speak to me and simply set the box down and left the house.

“Who was that?”

“Just someone who works at our house. I asked Seol-guk to help move some of his things for a bit.”

So he was an attendant. Now that I think about it, he referred to Ham Yejin as ‘Miss.’ It seemed that Ham Yejin was indeed not an ordinary person. It had been expected, considering she lived in a house like this, drove an expensive foreign car, and had a separate inherited property.

However, seeing her referred to as ‘Miss’ felt a bit different from just hearing it.

“I’ll head to work now. The security will filter out any suspicious people, but just in case, don’t open the door for anyone who comes. Please try to refrain from going out as much as possible. If you need to go out, please contact me separately.”

Her words sounded like she was genuinely worried about a child, but I didn’t throw a tantrum. I actually had experienced something akin to stalking, so her words didn’t just sound like over-caution.

“I also asked that man for lunch. He will deliver some food around lunch time. Is there anything specific you want to eat, or anything you can’t eat?”

“Nothing in particular.”

“Speaking of which, you didn’t like tomatoes and cucumbers. I’ll mention that.”

I remembered removing the tomatoes and cucumbers from the sandwich at the hospital. Looking back now, I felt a bit embarrassed. At that time, I had no idea I would become this close to Ham Yejin, so there was no helping it.

By that time, I had managed to finish all the toast, and Ham Yejin finished the coffee she had made earlier. I hadn’t eaten a single bite.

I naturally followed Ham Yejin to the front door to see her off. Ham Yejin said to me,

“Well then, I’m off.”

… I realized I had never learned words to say at such moments. My mother had never said such things to me even once.

That said, it’s not that I was entirely ignorant. I just hadn’t had the chance to use such words.

So this was my first send-off.

“… Take care.”

~

In this large house, I was now left all alone. I was the only one remaining.

Once Ham Yejin left, the vast space felt even larger somehow.

I wasn’t particularly lonely or feeling desolate, but perhaps because I had never lived in such a big house, it felt a bit uncomfortable. The box that Ham Yejin’s attendant brought over contained my belongings along with the clothes the Madame had given me.

Initially, I hadn’t planned to take them back, but now that the situation had become what it was, returning them felt a bit awkward.

I let out a small sigh and unpacked the box. I left the clothes inside and took out only the bag I originally brought.

Once I changed clothes, there wasn’t much I could do.

For now, I pulled out my laptop. Now that I think about it, I hadn’t asked what the Wi-Fi password was. I’m sure it would be given to me immediately if I contacted someone, but I didn’t want to trouble anyone with these trivial things. After all, even with Wi-Fi, there wasn’t much I wanted to do.

In such a situation, I wasn’t in the mood to play games, and web browsing could be done adequately on my smartphone.

In the end, what I could do on my laptop was no different than before: just write.

Of course, I couldn’t think of anything to write even with Word open.

I couldn’t bring myself to write ‘Po-gung’ right now, and I didn’t have anything else to work on.

No, maybe I had a piece about the girl who stole the name, neither a novel nor a fairy tale, that I had jotted down a bit. After writing a little, something happened, and I had completely forgotten about it.

Naturally, since I hadn’t made any specific plans, there was nothing more I could write.

It just ended up being a little revision of lines that seemed mixed with a plot and a novel.

I had never been one to write spontaneously; I usually wrote with a planned plot. Therefore, this child who stole the name still had no future, and thus I didn’t know how to continue writing.

So, how was I supposed to write such a piece?

Objectively speaking, most of my novels so far had relied heavily on extreme sexual metaphors. I didn’t want to admit it, but that resulted from the strong influence of my memories, and because of that, my novels had a feeling of being highly autobiographical.

Just thinking about sexual metaphors made me feel nauseous, and I couldn’t draw from any of my previous stories for help or should not do so.

Now, I could no longer discern what I wanted to write, what I was capable of writing, and what I had to write.

What does this child wish for? What does a girl abandoned without even receiving a name hope for? What does the symbolism of a name hold? What does a metaphor require?

… Seol-guk is my name.

Who gave me my name? I don’t know. But I knew it wasn’t the Director of the orphanage.

Then, the one who gave me my name must be a father I do not know or my mother.

But I couldn’t know.

Because my mother had never once called me by my name.

Was what the child who stole the name truly desired just a name?

Without any outline, I began to write the backstory.

As I wrote the first sentence, I thought about this child’s future.

Naturally, what comes to mind for an orphan girl raised in a slum is only becoming a prostitute. It was a harsh but sensible story. It seemed tragic, yet it was a common and ordinary matter.

But I couldn’t use sexual metaphors in this story.

And as much as it was an emotional story, I simply didn’t want to write that.

Being a prostitute doesn’t necessarily mean being unhappy. However, in this story, the girl becoming a prostitute would definitely not be a choice of her own.

So I thought of a story where the girl would have a choice.

[The girl, Seol, did not change just because she stole a name. Seol sustained her life by stealing, begging, and rummaging through trash cans. The only thing that changed was that Seol began to visit ‘Seol’s’ grave periodically. Not directly, but she would stand far away and stare at the grave for a long while before leaving.

Sometimes, she would see the boy from before coming to visit. At those times, Seol would quietly watch the boy in front of the grave from a distance, more than usual.

Years passed with that sort of life, until one day, the boy started to chase Seol.

Seol had become somewhat nimble from living in the slums, but despite the years, she remained the same skinny Seol who could not escape. She was still the same, but the boy had grown, and it no longer seemed strange to call him a young man.

He spoke.

‘Did you really think I wouldn’t know you’ve always been watching?’

Seol was frightened. Her face paled in terror, but since her face had always been bloodless, it didn’t stand out much.

‘What is your purpose?’

Seol had no purpose. Looking at ‘Seol’s’ grave from here was just a little ritual to honor her guilt and elation. In other words, it was merely a worship.

So she had nothing to respond to a question about something that didn’t exist.

He frowned. His tailing was clumsy and never appeared unless he came to this grave. If this were an act, it would be quite something, but at any rate, in his eyes, this girl was just an ordinary beggar.

Dirty, smelly, and terrified.

Using a beggar as an informant wasn’t that strange, but he couldn’t fathom how watching her grave would yield any information.

He sighed and asked.

“What’s your name?”

It didn’t hold any special meaning. It was just a question. He aimed to scare her away with an appropriate amount of intimidation.

And the girl replied.

“… Seol.”

“… What?”

“My name.”

Seol.

Whether it was coincidence or fate, that dirty girl held the name of ‘Seol.’

The one she loved the most, the one who loved her the most,

a victim abandoned by fate, carrying all the world’s hatred, cruel yet pitiable,

the girl who had been forsaken.

My sister.

The eyes of the boy and the girl met.

The girl was dirty, but her eyes,

those eyes held no murkiness.

Since she had stolen a name, she must also steal that fate.

Choice, small freedom, that was all she could receive.]