Chapter 46

“······.”

“Louis?”

“······Well, of course.”

*

046

To Each Other (Part 1)

*

An unfamiliar ceiling. And a familiar face.

I don’t know how many times you’ve looked down at me after I’ve collapsed. It wasn’t anything new. If I fell, it was mostly your fault.

But everything else was different. After meeting your familiar blue eyes, I turned my head.

I saw a brown ceiling, not white. The world wasn’t bright, and light only seeped in through the cracks of the window.

The bed was soft, and the clothes wrapped around me were a gentle beige. The antique furniture filling the small room gave off a sense of humanity.

“Where… is this?”

“Yeah.”

Anne was holding a lamp. I flinched, thinking of candles, but of course, instead of burning me, she simply placed the lamp on the bedside table.

In a world not filled with Ailim’s light, other artificial lights were needed. The setting sun. The slowly burning lamp. The girl shaded by the sun.

You looked down at me and calmly said,

“It’s outside.”

My mind was foggy, and I couldn’t feel the reality.

Was all that suffering really over? So easily… and pointlessly? No, it wasn’t easy. But it was sudden.

I couldn’t shout with joy or vent the resentment I’d built up. I just froze, as if time had stopped, like a statue.

“Crying?”

“······Ah.”

A salty drop fell to the corner of my mouth. The taste of tears I’d grown sick of.

Everything was unfamiliar, and I couldn’t accept it. Even though I was here now, you, within arm’s reach, and this peaceful, comfortable space felt so distant.

Afraid that if I blinked even once, this sweet dream would pop like a bubble, I forced my eyes open, and tears poured out like a waterfall. I excused my crying like that.

“Ugh, I…”

You caught me as I fell. As I stumbled over my words with a tearful voice, Anne gently stopped me.

“Shh, Louis. It’s okay.”

My chest was soaked. A drizzle began to fall on my head too.

“Everything’s over now, so you can let it all out.”

It’s all over.

Those words were so sweet that they scared me. What if it was a lie? What if this was a dream or illusion I’d created to deceive myself? What if it was another trial to test me?

What truly breaks a person isn’t despair, but hope.

“······Why.”

So, my voice, venting resentment into your chest, was as thin as a bird’s cry. The strength to scream, the heart to vent anger, had long dried up.

Was I speaking to you? To Anne, the Inquisition Judge, different from you? To the Religious Order? To this world? Or to God?

It’s all over. Such sweet words.

“······Why did you do it.”

Then, should I just be happy now? What about my wounded soul? My battered body?

Even though I’ve woken up, my body is still heavy. My muscles ache from being beaten and overworked, phantom pains stab at me, and even if all this heals.

My broken body won’t be restored. I’ll never walk on my own again. I’ll have to hobble through life like a clown, dragging a lump of metal on one leg, forever off-balance.

What should I resent? Who should I appeal to?

“Why, why, why, me, why, why, why, even though I love you…”

“I’m sorry.”

To you, who loved me as much as you abused me, who writhed in guilt as much as you caused me pain?

Anne was crying too. Just like me. We wiped each other’s tears, but it was far from enough against the overwhelming sadness. Our sleeves were soon soaked.

“It hurt, didn’t it? It must have hurt… because I did it…”

“Why, you…”

If only I could close my eyes and ignore reality. If there was even one reason to absolve you.

You didn’t have to take it upon yourself. You didn’t have to personally kill your own people, torture me, or oversee it all. You could have left that role to others, just visiting me occasionally to give me hope.

I would have hated the Religious Order, hated its members, but I wouldn’t have hated you, a member of the Order. Like an oasis barely found in a harsh, merciless desert, I would have clung to and depended on you even more.

In every moment you caused me pain, there was you, writhing, not wanting to do these cruel things to me. Yet, like a pilgrim walking a thorny path, you deliberately took on all that suffering.

I love you more than that red-haired Inquisition Judge. That was natural.

And, I hate you more than that red-haired Inquisition Judge.

This too… was natural.

“If only I could love or hate you purely.”

In the end, that brutal and meaningless torture was only for a day. Though it was enough to become a lifelong trauma, I had to endure such memories many more times after that.

At the center of all those memories was always you. You, looking down at me with cold eyes. You, dripping wax on me. You, laughing covered in my blood. You, burning my leg piece by piece…

You, who never asked for my consent, justifying it all as being for my sake.

“I had to do it.”

“Why…!”

“Because I love you.”

Tears still welled in my eyes, but my words were dry, almost emotionless.

“No one else would truly care for you. If it weren’t me, they would either just perform the minimum duties or use you as a toy for torture.”

I numbly listened to your words. While resenting you, I was still cowardly in your arms.

“……Because of me.”

I opened my mouth, overwhelmed by emotions, but dozens of words clamored to come out, so I closed it again. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t say anything.

I want to hate you. Despise you. Pour out venom, berate, scorn, and curse you. At least then, the knots of resentment in my heart might loosen a little.

But on the other hand, there was a part of me that wanted to whisper love to you, lie that it was okay, and wipe your tears. To just pretend everything that happened yesterday never happened.

Can’t we just be happy from now on?

Even if the villagers are gone, I have you. Even if I can’t walk because my leg is gone, you’ll support me. Even if I’ve become weak, you’re strong enough to protect me.

I just want to let go of everything and depend on you. It’s natural to lean on someone else when you can’t stand on your own. That weakness, the fragile core of my humanity exposed after long-term devastation, whispered that it was comfortable.

Surely, you would affirm even such a pitiful, pathetic me.

But, but, but…

‘Poor thing. You were so close with Anne…’

=Are you trying to erase us too? Hee, heehee. In the end, you’re just as shameless and selfish, who are you to resent anyone!=

Over your shoulder, I saw someone’s illusion.

The cozy room became cramped, filled with people with no space to step. Of course, everything I saw was just a delusion, and they were all non-existent phantoms, but their density still made it hard to breathe.

In the end, I said nothing and buried my head in your chest. When I looked up again, the room was empty, as if no one had been there.

Just as I didn’t know who to resent, I didn’t know who to explain myself to.

Was it the villagers? Was it me, who gave in?

Or was it you?

*

Past—Yes, I can now call the terrible time spent in the reformatory the past.

Among the conversations I had with Anne in the reformatory, there was one about how the position of Inquisition Judge came with a fitting reward, and how wealthy she was.

At the time, I was half out of my mind and only half-listened, but now, back in the secular world, I felt those words deeply.

“Wow…”

The space Anne called a “small mansion” had rooms larger than our entire house. Servants bustled about, and the table was set with luxurious dishes I’d never seen before.

While a storm of emotions raged in my head, my body was honest. I’d been living on gruel for months. My body, which had just woken up after collapsing, fiercely protested hunger at the smell of food.

“It must have been hard living on gruel, right? Here, I’ve prepared a feast today! Well, not me personally, but, heh.”

“Can I really eat this?”

“Of course! It’s all mine.”

Anne, too, for now, pushed aside the memories stained with complexity and returned to her childhood, proudly showing off the prettiest pebble.

Foods I didn’t even know. I took a bite of each as Anne suggested.

It was delicious. Enough to make the tears I’d stopped start again. It felt like I was being rewarded for all the hardships.

Of course. Everything in this mansion was unimaginably luxurious. Anne wouldn’t hesitate to share and give. Life from now on would be incomparably lavish.

I’d always dreamed of moving to the city from the countryside. Now I was living the life of the upper class, and Anne was by my side. It was a situation full of hope.

The darkness was all behind me. From now on…

From now on.

What should I do? What can I do?

“Louis? Why are you spacing out?”

“Ah… Just thinking for a moment.”

“About what?”

With a body that can’t even stand without someone’s help.

“What should I do… for work.”

“Huh?”

A traveling merchant was out of the question. The village was gone, so there was no market. I didn’t have any particular skills for other jobs either.

Ah, right. Maybe I could make dolls or something. I’m pretty good with my hands. I could do it sitting down, and it’s about the only thing I can do right now…

As I thought that far, I met Anne’s puzzled gaze.

“Work? Why do you need to work?”

“……Huh?”

Something felt off.

“Worried about money? Don’t be. Everything I have is yours. If you need anything, I can…”

“No, it’s not that. I can’t just stay here forever. Now that I’m out of the reformatory, I should…”

“Yeah.”

Anne rudely cut me off. It was unlike her, both in action and attitude.

At first glance, her earlier words seemed to comfort me warmly. It felt like she was saying she’d support me firmly. But having known Anne for so long, I easily noticed the darkness beneath her words.

“What… do you mean by ‘yeah’?”

I thought that. Foolishly, naively, that it was all over.

I walked out of the iron bars, left the reformatory, completed the procession of atonement. My sin as a heretic was washed away, and I was now free—

—or so I deluded myself.

The servants, the maids, looked at me. With my heightened senses, I saw the flickers of blessing in their eyes. Compared to Anne’s, it was infinitely weaker, but even with my legs intact, I couldn’t compete.

In the dozens of gazes shining with holy light, the source of all that light calmly declared,

“Stay here.”

Thinking about it, it was obvious.

Heretics were terrifying beings, capable of turning into monsters at any moment. There was no way they’d release such a potential threat into the city without any restraints.

I wasn’t free. I hadn’t escaped. It wasn’t over.

Only the location of my prison had changed.

“Stay.”