Chapter 61

After five rounds of the game, it was already evening. At that point, both of us had enjoyed the game sufficiently. If I had kept losing, I might have been frustrated enough to play on until I won, but even though it was just a bus game, I had achieved a four-game winning streak and didn’t feel like playing anymore.

Just as I was about to log off, a chat came in from Jae-Ah’s ID.

[It’s been a while since I logged in] [Who’s your duo?]

[Just someone I know] [I’m logging off, bye]

If there was anything urgent, I could contact her separately on my smartphone. That kind of response was enough. Ji Kang-hyeon, who had been watching from the side, asked.

“Who is it?”

“Someone who tutors me.”

“What do you tutor in?”

“Writing.”

The conversation didn’t continue further. Both of us turned off our computers and stood up. I naturally stretched out, a habit from my past. My body felt fine now, perhaps because I was still young, but habits from my old body were not easily forgotten.

“What should we have for dinner?”

“I think there’s a budae jjigae place downstairs. It’s a hassle to find something else, and the time is weird, so let’s just eat there.”

“The time is weird?”

“I have to be back by nine. Since Hyuk-jin is away, there’s no one to keep an eye on me, but if I come back too late, I’ll feel awkward.”

“Well, let’s do that then. By the way, do you think we can bring this doll into the restaurant?”

While dinner was easily decided, the doll was a problem. It wouldn’t be restricted, but carrying such a large doll would surely draw some attention. I didn’t mind some looks on the street, but eating in a restaurant while feeling self-conscious about being stared at was a different story.

“I don’t think they’ll mind… but it might be a bit awkward.”

“Since we’re in the same building, should I leave it here for a bit?”

“Shall we? Excuse me, could I leave this doll here for a moment? I’ll just be eating downstairs and will come back to pick it up right after. Yes, thank you!”

The manager of the PC bang, who looked slightly middle-aged, gladly took the doll. When we went downstairs, we saw a very trendy budae jjigae restaurant. It was completely different from the old jjigae places that older men usually frequented. There were quite a few customers, making me glad I hadn’t brought the doll with me.

“What should we eat?”

“We’re at a budae jjigae place, so is there anything other than budae jjigae?”

“They have a lot here, actually. Look, there are many options. It seems like they have a mala budae jjigae? I guess that’s new.”

“Ugh, just thinking about it is gross. Let’s just order something ordinary.”

After looking at the menu, I found a bunch of new types of budae jjigae that I wasn’t familiar with. They only had slightly different toppings, but still, mala didn’t really sit well with me.

Fortunately, Ji Kang-hyeon ordered the basic budae jjigae without any objection. Two servings of budae jjigae, one cider, and one cola. Both of us couldn’t drink alcohol, so it was a natural choice. While chatting idly and checking our smartphones, our food came out soon.

The budae jjigae seemed small for two servings. If it had been before I had this body, it surely would have been insufficient. However, that didn’t matter now. This body simply couldn’t eat much.

“Wait a minute.”

The taste of the budae jjigae was extremely average. It was the kind of flavor worth its price. Ji Kang-hyeon, who was eating almost twice as fast as I was, suddenly said something and pulled out his smartphone.

“Uh, what? Huh?”

After receiving a call, Ji Kang-hyeon listened for a bit and soon gestured for my understanding as he went outside. I continued to eat without thinking much. His bowl was nearly empty, while mine still had over half left.

After a brief moment, Ji Kang-hyeon returned, slightly flustered, and opened his mouth.

“I’m sorry, but I think I need to go right now.”

“Huh?”

“It seems like someone staying at the dorm is suddenly sick. But there’s no one around to help, and I don’t think it’s serious enough for 119, but I feel like I should go.”

“Well, it can’t be helped. It looks like you’ve finished your meal anyway, so go ahead.”

“I’m sorry! I’ll head out first!”

Since we were planning to part ways after eating anyway, it wasn’t particularly problematic. He had eaten fast enough that he had actually finished his food, so it wouldn’t cause any issues. Nevertheless, he lowered his head apologetically before quickly disappearing.

Left alone, I slowly finished my remaining meal. Since Ji Kang-hyeon had eaten almost one and a half servings, I had barely managed to eat half a serving, but even so, I didn’t particularly feel like eating more.

After finishing my meal and heading to the counter to pay, the employee said,

“Your friend already paid before leaving.”

“Oh, okay.”

It wasn’t like we had arranged for anyone to pay in advance, but since it was his birthday, I had intended to treat him. However, perhaps feeling guilty for leaving first, Ji Kang-hyeon had already paid and left.

Well, it didn’t matter much. Given that the budae jjigae wasn’t exceptionally expensive, he could easily cover it.

When I stepped outside, it was starting to get dark. Fall was already passing by. It was still relatively warm, but it would soon become chilly. The nights would get longer.

It seemed that taking the subway was faster than the bus from here. However, I had to walk a bit to the station. As I walked while looking at the sky, I couldn’t see any stars. It might still be too early to see stars, but it was also generally difficult to see them in Seoul. Whenever I thought of stars, I was always reminded of the short story “The Star” by the French author Alphonse Daudet.

A pure shepherd’s brief love story for one night.

Though it was called love, there were no implications of sexuality. That made it even more beautiful. However, the beauty of this story was only possible because it was a shepherd’s tale.

The lady whom the shepherd loved, Séraphine, had merely sought refuge with him from a brief rain shower, but there was no declaration of love towards him. If the lady’s perspective had been portrayed, the work would have hardly been beautiful.

If the lady loved the shepherd, it would have just turned into an ordinary love story; if she hadn’t, readers would have simply felt displeased.

The story could only be complete because it showed solely the pure tale of the shepherd.

But there were no stars in the current sky.

The memories I could forget when with someone would crash back like greater waves when alone.

His sultry, lust-filled gaze and the sight of his sunglasses that revealed nothing came to mind.

Now, I understood what that lust contained.

It was something the shepherd on the mountain never had. If he did, he would have hidden it.

I do not deny sexuality. I don’t view it as dirty nor sanctify it. It is merely a system. A given and everything.

However, I felt a sense of rejection towards this that was neither dirty nor sacred. A critic once called my writing persistently descriptive of the ugliness of sexuality. I didn’t think that was wrong. Yet it didn’t serve as a basis for claiming that I hated sex.

It wasn’t that I hated it. It was just a slight sense of aversion.

Simply, it was tiresome.

Being a sympathizer.

Being a subject of sympathy.

Thus, this was just an additional small reason to feel repulsion.

So I needed the shepherd.

I always needed only the shepherd.

And my viewpoint in this story was unnecessary.

Ending with the beautiful unrequited love of the shepherd would be the most beautiful.

However, of course, the backstory of the tale is pitifully ridiculous. Considering that the author of this pure love story, Alphonse Daudet, contracted syphilis at a young age.

I needed the shepherd, but I couldn’t become Séraphine.

I should have realized that.

~

Before my gloomy thoughts had fully faded, my smartphone buzzed. It was a message from Ji Kang-hyeon.

[I’m sorry!][I left the doll behind, so could you please][take care of it for me][I’ll come back to pick it up later]

This was something I hadn’t expected at all. I thought he had taken it with him, but it seemed he forgot to bring it because of the urgent call. I turned back. I should have been angry thinking about the subway ride while carrying the doll, but now I was rather pleased with this contact.

[Okay]

After replying briefly, I walked along with a smirk. The gloomy, sticky thoughts from earlier vanished in an instant. It was a completely silly matter, but it allowed me to act a bit more cheerfully.

When I returned to the PC bang and picked up the doll alone, the manager approached me.

“Student, did your boyfriend stand you up or something?”

Normally, I would have found such a question annoying, but I could brush it off.

“He said he had something urgent to attend to. And he’s not my boyfriend.”

I exited the PC bang without waiting for a reply. Carrying a doll as big as my body naturally attracted attention again. But it was no big deal.

This kind of attention was far better than reflecting on my own scars.

Of course, when I reached the subway station, and boarded the subway, receiving glances from dozens of people, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of regret. I felt embarrassed, and my face flushed a little.

Even so, it was still better than before.