Chapter 51

Lee Cheon continued to drink as a writer, as if he couldn’t bear to stop.

“I never really did anything for that child. I don’t even know the food they like. I don’t know what they’ve seen while growing up, what they’ve thought, or what dreams they’ve had. In the end, I wasn’t really their father.”

“…I… don’t know what kind of comfort I should offer. I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry for bringing this up out of the blue. You can think of it as the ramblings of a strange old man. Do you understand what I mean?”

“I’m sorry.”

“The point is this: my writing is never about non-existence. It’s a writing of escape; an escape from the sins I’ve committed, a justification for a failed love, and a mockery of my own foolishness.”

“I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Well, if I don’t say it, you won’t know. It’s a story I’ve hidden my whole life, so it wouldn’t be strange if you didn’t understand.”

Of course, the meaning contained within a novel is defined by the reader, but the author’s intent cannot be completely disregarded. In that sense, reaching a conclusion that is entirely different from the author’s thoughts was somewhat embarrassing. It was as if I were feeling the limitations of my own perspective.

“So the only advice I can give you is this: run away. After going through the event of my daughter’s death, a lot has changed for me. I couldn’t face the sins I committed in that situation. So, I ran away, turned away, and gave up. My writing has always been foolish. It was a coward’s writing that couldn’t even achieve what I couldn’t in reality. However, there is value in worthlessness, and there is truth in foolishness. I’m not arrogant enough to tell you the path I’ve never walked, so this is all I can advise.”

That was a path I could hardly imagine.

I had always chosen the path of confrontation.

That was how I preserved my pride and my way of life. But here, Lee Cheon as a writer told me that running away and giving up are also methods. Was this truly the right path? One thing was certain.

This was an easier path.

“No, this is definitely not an easy path. It’s the hardest path. Especially for someone as upright as you, it would be even more difficult than facing it head-on. I heard you’ve also given up on identity laundering. Think carefully. If you really escaped from that path, would it have been easy and simple? It would have been even more painful and difficult. Because you are someone who cannot live without revealing yourself. That’s what your writing shows. That desire to be loved. The desire to be loved as ‘yourself,’ even though you don’t really know what that love is.”

Lee Cheon negated my thoughts simply. I couldn’t refute him. I wasn’t sure if it was true, but it was strangely clear that he understood me well. That made me think that perhaps his words might actually hold some truth.

Was this just a simple delusion? Or was it the truth I had been ignoring? I didn’t know, but I decided to continue ignoring that truth. After all, that was the advice given to me.

A moment of time passed. My meal had long since ended, and Lee Cheon as a writer continued to eat the remaining food while drinking.

“I don’t know what choice you will make, but stop looking for your mother.”

“How do you know that…!”

“I thought there was no reason for you to appear on such a program for any other reason. Anyway, even if you meet her, it’s definitely not going to be a good thing. Ultimately, it will only destroy you.”

I did not respond. What was this feeling? I didn’t know, but I felt very strange. Somehow sad, somehow lonely, and somehow angry.

I couldn’t hide all of those feelings, and my face twisted grotesquely. Lee Cheon, who took my face as a snack, was now slightly tipsy, his face red.

“Would you like to see a picture?”

With those words, he took out his smartphone (which was surprisingly a recent model) and showed me a picture.

It was a photo of a young girl with a background from the past. She seemed to be a middle school student.

“Shall I tell you a funny story? Do you know why I wanted to meet you?”

“You found interest after reading my novel…”

“Did you believe that? You’re just as naive as you appear.”

Was that a lie? To be honest, I thought it sounded like an excuse, but hearing it directly labeled as a lie made my face turn slightly red.

“The only reason I called you was for one simple reason… Just… when I saw you, I thought of my daughter. That’s all.”

Mocking himself, Lee Cheon drank more. Unlike earlier when he slowly sipped his drink, he poured it straight into his mouth.

“Doesn’t that sound like the ramblings of a senile old man? You don’t resemble that child at all… But… just seeing you cry reminded me of that time—my daughter crying when her mother died.”

I couldn’t muster a response. I didn’t know what to say to a parent who had lost their child. After all, I was a child abandoned by parents.

“So I just… called you. I’m sorry for dragging you into this foolishness.”

“It’s okay…”

Not only my face but Lee Cheon’s face was also flushed. With his red face, he reached out to me.

“Can I ask just one thing?”

“What is it?”

“It might be embarrassing, but… can I pat your head? Just once.”

That was… a shameful request. At my age.

In “The Catcher in the Rye,” Holden felt great anger when a teacher he respected patted his head while he was sleeping. Offering one’s head, which could easily lead to shame and embarrassment, could quickly become uncomfortable.

Nevertheless, I ultimately nodded. I lacked the courage to refuse this old man. If it were my former self, I would have certainly declined without a second thought. Of course, such a conversation wouldn’t have happened back then.

Though we faced each other, there was quite a distance apart. Since Lee Cheon couldn’t really call me over, I eventually stood up and moved to the seat next to him. As I sat down, I shut my eyes tightly as if something major was about to happen to me.

Soon, I felt a warm hand on my head. It was the touch of an ordinary old man’s hand that was neither rough nor coarse. However, it was still not a pleasant feeling. Even though he was patting me gently and cautiously, there was still a slight discomfort.

Then suddenly, Lee Cheon hugged me tightly.

“Yikes!”

A girl-like scream came out of my mouth, one that I couldn’t believe came from me. I tried to push him away, but it was impossible with my strength. And psychologically, it was also impossible. Lee Cheon was crying.

It was unpleasant and uncomfortable, but no matter how much I felt that way, I couldn’t push away an old man crying for his lost daughter. When did I become such a soft-hearted person?

“Jin-hye! Jin-hye!”

Calling out what was likely the name of his daughter, Lee Cheon made me feel pity for him.

Soon, the real Lee Cheon released me. I immediately leaned back slightly.

“I’m sorry. I must be quite drunk…”

“Th-that’s fine.”

With Lee Cheon’s swift apology, I couldn’t find it in me to be angry. The atmosphere simply didn’t allow for it. He’d said it was because he thought of his daughter, so if I got mad about that, what kind of a person would I be?

He was, after all, just a person. Lee Cheon had never shown any particular interest in women and never caused any problems related to that, so it was hard to be overly sensitive about this kind of incident.

“I’m really sorry. I’m an old fool. I feel sorry, so say something. If there’s anything I can help you with, I will.”

Moreover, he was sincerely apologizing. He was different from some people who shamelessly ignore the very concept of an apology. In that case, I should handle this kind of situation like a man.

“Uh, it’s okay. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“No, I can’t just brush it off with an apology. Ah, right! We were talking about your new work. Could you possibly show it to me? I might be able to provide some help.”

Is Lee Cheon as a writer saying he’ll review my work now? Even I, who had said that there was no need for apologies, was drawn in by that offer. After all, I had come here to get advice to improve that very novel.

The piece was naturally saved on a cloud I could access via smartphone. I nodded and said, “If that’s the case, then I won’t decline…”

I quickly turned on my smartphone and pulled up the document with the plot and summary of my new novel, as well as the manuscript that I had started but left unfinished.

As I turned my attention back to Lee Cheon, I could hear sounds of rustling coming from his direction, but I paid no mind.

When I raised my head after calling up the document, Lee Cheon handed me a cup.

“What is this…?”

“It seems a bit lonely writing alone all the time. This is just a drink, so take it. A toast might lighten the mood a bit.”

Caught off guard by the sudden proposal, I hesitated but accepted the cup without suspicion. Lee Cheon clinked the drink with the cup he had offered me. There was no toast.

Lee Cheon gulped down his drink in one go, and I turned my head to the side and swallowed my drink in one shot as well.

Somehow, I detected a slightly strange taste in the drink.