Chapter 42

“Louis, Louis, Louis…”

“Yeah, Anne. I’m here.”

“I’m in so much pain… Hic, it feels like my chest is being torn apart…”

042

In This World (Part 2)

I drifted in and out of consciousness, my mind gradually becoming clearer. Around the fifth time I opened my eyes, I realized I had fully regained my senses.

The pain shooting through the stump of my leg. A sensation that shouldn’t exist, the phantom pain of a severed limb, burned my brain white.

“……!”

Strength returned to my body. I thrashed wildly and fell off the bed. The silk tangled around me unraveled as I fell, brushing against the stump of my leg. Even through the pain, I lifted my head to look at the severed area.

Maybe, just maybe, my leg wasn’t really gone. Of course, that wasn’t the case. The cleanly severed stump near my thigh wasn’t filled with flesh but with something cylindrical and metallic.

The weight of the remaining part was unbearable, as if it could scream. The mysterious metal object, covered in luxurious silver foil and adorned with gold and jewels, looked more expensive than I was.

“Looks like it’s worth more than me… Ha, haha.”

Even cracking a joke didn’t improve my mood. I thought it might be a prosthetic, but to my untrained eye, it didn’t seem like it could support my weight. More importantly…

“Ugh.”

The mysterious object wasn’t just attached; it was embedded deep into my flesh, sutured in place. I could feel it. The cold touch of metal digging into my flesh. And something even more unsettling and painful. The chill of the metal and the heat of my soul clashed.

How deep is it? If I cut higher, could I remove it? Without realizing it, I clawed at my thigh until it bled, then stopped. The sensation of this grotesque, ornate thing becoming one with me was revolting.

So, I finally let out a scream.

“Ahhhhhh-!”

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I feel like I’m dying. The pain, starting from the leg that no longer exists, spreads throughout my body. Limbs severed, burned at the stake, poisoned by metal, my soul set ablaze.

Had I really been brainwashed by the daily life here? As I screamed, I found myself calling for Ailim. My shuddering soul prayed to the Lord. Oh God, creator of all things, our parent, please answer me, say something to me.

Why must I suffer? What have I done wrong? Am I truly a heretic? Because I turned away from You and embraced Laube, have You forsaken me? If not… is all this just meaningless suffering?

Not punishment or judgment, just bad luck?

“Louis!”

There she was. A beautiful, sweet girl burst through the torn white space like an angel.

But I noticed her different attire. The cross was reduced to a small emblem on her left chest, and her priestly robes were tailored short for ease of movement.

And the pockets on her clothes. Inside were small knives, tweezers, awls, and the like. Neatly arranged, as was Anne’s nature, but still stained with blood from that day.

…Whose blood? I didn’t need to ask.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt a lot? Is the joint coming loose?”

It was Anne who had attached this grotesque thing to me. With her delicate hands, she had not only swung a sword at me but also performed the surgery herself. Digging into my flesh, examining the muscle layers.

Just in case, to ensure the leg would never heal properly. With the same hands that had once caressed and comforted me, she had neatly excised any future where I could stand on two feet.

“Ah, ugh…”

“Does it hurt that much? Do you want more medicine?”

Watching the purple haze at Anne’s fingertips, I swallowed hard and shook my head. It might be sweet for a moment… but only a moment. I didn’t want to depend on it.

I had already learned how dangerous dependence could be. If you rely on something, you lose your independence. If you can’t stand on your own, you have no choice but to grab the hand offered to you, whether you like it or not.

Isn’t that exactly my situation now? Physically and emotionally. I couldn’t push Anne away.

Because, already…

“…I’m fine.”

Fortunately, my condition stabilized soon. I didn’t want to admit it, but the pain I had endured so far helped. At least it allowed me to pull myself together quickly.

Only after calming myself could I look around. Still the same space. Seeing me awake, Anne put away the silk, and I silently observed her.

I thought you might offer some excuse or apology.

“Good news!”

But after carefully checking my surroundings and condition, Anne, stroking the metal lump attached to my thigh, cheerfully exclaimed.

“…Good news?”

My voice was lifeless. But Anne, oblivious, continued to chatter excitedly.

“Yeah. I finally got a definite answer. Just one more proof, and…”

The heat and cold rising from the stump made my head spin. Anne’s following words were distorted, not reaching my ears properly. I opened my mouth, and hot breath spilled out.

Everything I had suppressed and swallowed came rushing back. The events I had endured played like a panorama in my mind, and the world seen through bloodshot eyes was distorted in red and black. Yet, I dared not vent my anger.

“What… do I have to do now?”

The voice that came out was low. Like a wounded beast unable to roar.

“It’s really the last one! I got a definite answer.”

“What do I have to do?”

“Huh? It’s called the ‘Procession of Atonement’…”

“Lost friends, lost home, tortured, lost a leg.”

I looked up at Anne. I didn’t know what emotion was rising in my hollow eyes.

I just stared. Too exhausted to be angry, too broken to resent, too worn out to despair. I just poured out my emptiness.

“More?”

How much?

The word “last” no longer resonated with me. Was this really the end? Would all this suffering conclude with just one act of penance? If I completed this grand proof, would I regain my freedom—and live happily in Anne’s arms as she whispered?

Then what about the pain I endured? The wounds that scarred my soul? My severed leg? My gaze naturally fell on the metal lump attached to the stump. An inexplicable knowledge, as if someone had implanted it, surged in my mind.

This is a Holy Restraint.

The name and purpose of this object I had never seen before flooded my mind. This was originally meant to be attached to someone’s body. Like a prosthetic arm or leg. But its role wasn’t to assist movement—it was to prevent regeneration of the severed part and, further, to restrict overall movement.

Divinity isn’t always a blessing. Excessively powerful and intimate divinity becomes poison to a mortal’s body. The Holy Restraint was like that. This metal lump contained powerful divinity, capable of suppressing not just heretics but even non-heretics.

Moreover, its unique divine trace allowed the Religious Order to track anyone wearing it. Of course, that’s assuming a cripple could run like the wind.

“Is this the end?”

Anne had filled me with hope that I could go outside.

Anne had chained my leg so I couldn’t run away.

No, it was worse than chains. At least those could be unlocked with a key, but the Holy Restraint had become part of my body. Even as it sent waves of metallic poison and cold through me.

Anne, the Religious Order, has no intention of freeing me.

Even if I leave the Reformatory, I won’t be given freedom. I will live in a prison without bars. Like now, where the bars are loose enough for people to come and go, but I can’t leave.

Forever.

“Why, Louis?”

Unable to grasp all these emotions, Anne tilted her head innocently.

Childhood friend, first love, and last love. We who knew each other better than ourselves could no longer understand each other’s inner thoughts. Anne couldn’t read my profound despair and resentment, and neither could I.

I couldn’t comprehend Anne’s pure, extreme, and thus even more cruel affection.

In the end, I couldn’t say any of the things I truly wanted to say. I was too exhausted to vent my anger, scream, or express my grievances.

“Are you… mad?”

“No.”

So, I simply shook my head dryly at Anne, who was belatedly trying to gauge my mood. That was it.

I knew it all too well now. Anne would listen to all my cries, screams, and grievances… but in the end, nothing would change.

Anne had already made her decision, and even her kind words now were not suggestions or requests but commands. Anne would say all this was for me, and that would undoubtedly be true.

But what about my choice? My free will?

I had no emotional scraps left to waste on pointless emotional outbursts.

“What… do I have to do?”

I said the words she wanted to hear.