Chapter 38

“…How heartless. Ailim, the day has finally come.”

“Anne, Anne, are you okay? It’s just a cold, right? Something trivial? You’ll get back up, right? Please…”

“If you’re asking if it’s a trivial illness, then yes. For an ordinary person, it would be.”

“But whether Anne can get back up… I’m not sure.”

038

A Better Tomorrow (Part 1)

Can we really be happy?

Can we really go back to how things were before?

Even after I had accepted everything, it was a question I couldn’t shake off, like a shadow. Can love overpower all other emotions? Can I rest peacefully in the arms of the one who destroyed my homeland? I couldn’t be sure of anything.

In fact, I was closer to not wanting to be sure. Isn’t that too shameless and unscrupulous? The final moments of the villagers, screaming as they died, their blood drained, their souls extracted—how vivid they still are.

Perhaps what I truly feared was facing my own ugly, naked self more than anything else.

“Louis!”

And after miserably affirming myself, I was surprisingly doing quite well.

The repetitive daily grind. The reason I could accept these hellishly ordinary days as just ordinary was because I had become ordinary.

As if this reformatory was the only world that existed, as if you and I were the only two people in the world, I forgot everything I had experienced and known. And then, everything became surprisingly simple.

“Welcome, Anne.”

There is someone who loves me, someone I love. Then, I just love.

Anne no longer stiffened the atmosphere every time she met me. The platinum-haired girl leaped over the bars, and I welcomed her with open arms, pulling her into a hug.

Her body, lighter than one would expect given the strength she usually displayed. As I spun her around in my arms, white petals fluttered, and her laughter, clear like lily of the valley, rang out.

“Ahaha! Louis, you missed me too, right?”

“Of course.”

As I gently set her down, Anne giggled like a little girl and playfully pushed me over.

And then she fell on top of me. A bold move, believing I wouldn’t reject her, that I wouldn’t push her away like before.

Of course, I didn’t refuse. We lay down as if the hard bed was a grassy field swaying in the breeze, facing each other, tickling and laughing.

As if by acting like this, we could really forget everything and return to the past. As if the space around us, filled with cold light and inhuman white, would transform into our hometown, bathed in warm sunlight and embraced by soft grass.

“Are you getting hungry?”

Of course, such a miracle didn’t happen, and the girl I loved was still the Inquisition Judge.

She didn’t lose her duty, blinded by love. Her attitude was so detached that it felt unnatural to an observer. It was as if she had a drawer in her heart where she could store or retrieve her feelings as needed.

If only my dusty heart could be so easily organized.

“Let’s eat.”

I obediently accepted the milk porridge and holy water she offered.

Of course, it was also a submission to reality, but there was another reason. Drinking holy water wasn’t as painful as it used to be. If it felt like gulping down boiling lava before, now it was more like drinking a spicy, pungent beverage.

Even this would have made me gag and spit it out in the past, but clearly, my willpower to endure had grown significantly during my time in the reformatory.

“…Is it always just this?”

To the point where I could complain about the lack of side dishes. Though that fact didn’t bring me joy.

It was a valid point. No matter how little I moved, being stuck in a cell all day, a bowl of porridge and water was woefully insufficient for a grown man’s body.

It was almost surprising how I hadn’t felt hunger until now.

Well, I hadn’t had the mind to feel it before.

“It’s a bit lacking, isn’t it? Though, when you were little, you wouldn’t eat without meat…”

“No need to bring up the past like that.”

“Ahaha. Well, just bear with it a little longer.”

Her soothing voice was firm, leaving no room for compromise.

“You can eat as much as you want once you’re out.”

“Once I’m out… you say.”

But I had spent enough time with Anne to easily distinguish the difference in her tone.

Still soft and gentle, but the following words lacked inflection. Like a parrot repeating words without understanding their meaning.

“Why? Don’t you believe me?”

“Of course not.”

When I strongly denied it, Anne smiled. I turned my head away from her statue-like smile and went back to eating.

It didn’t take long to scrape the bowl clean and finish the holy water. Even after the only meal of the day, a hollow hunger remained in my stomach.

This sensation would haunt me like a ghost for a while. Still, it was better than suffering from hallucinations or delusions.

After the meal, it was time to read the Scripture, as usual. Even though the room was already excessively bright, Anne lit a candle as she always did.

“…To Ailim, the millennia of humanity are but a single night’s dream.”

“Someday, the Lord will open His eyes again. He will awaken from the dream He confined Himself in and look upon the world.”

“The world led by our free will will be pleasing to Him.”

But the tray never tilted.

The candle wax caused no pain to either of us. It simply burned silently, eventually pooling into a puddle that filled the tray.

Anne gathered the remnants that even the purifying light couldn’t erase and discarded them elsewhere before returning, unburdened.

“You can read the Scripture fluently now?”

“Yeah, I’ve gotten used to it.”

Her bright, lively voice swayed here and there, reflecting her buoyant mood. The day’s tasks were done, and Anne had returned from being a stern Inquisition Judge to a tender girl.

“Good, good.”

Feeling her hand clumsily patting my head, I just chuckled.

My life had improved even during Scripture reading time. All the difficult, twisted verses. At first, just interpreting them made my head throb, but I had the minimum knowledge to stumble through them.

With the foundation laid, building the structure was simple. With each passing day, I could recite the verses as naturally as flowing water.

And so, I was adapting to all this irrationality. Though the pain in my wrists hadn’t healed, and I still couldn’t pray.

“You’re good too.”

Other than that, everything was perfect.

“Ah, my hair’s a mess!”

Anne complained, but when I tried to pull my hand away, she pressed her head into my palm. I laughed and stroked her hair until the princess was satisfied.

The smooth, fine texture flowed like waves between my fingers. Of course, her long, wavy hair ended up a tangled mess.

She only complained for a moment, but in the end, she didn’t mind. Neither did I. She was beautiful no matter what.

“Thank you.”

After the day’s tasks, we were too busy mingling to even close the Scripture. Laughing and chatting, jumping back onto the bed, then lying down on the cold floor—me leaning against the wall, you leaning against me.

Holding you from behind, resting my chin on your shoulder, I whispered softly.

“What is it?”

Wriggling as if ticklish but not leaving my embrace, you asked, oblivious to the redness spreading to your ears.

“You saved me.”

Did you really? I don’t know.

But Anne, who loves me, such a kind and gentle girl, wouldn’t have abused, assaulted, kidnapped, imprisoned, tortured, or committed atrocities against me without reason.

At least, it’s easier to believe that I’m the bad one, that I’m the heretic…

Yes, that must be it… I gazed at her shimmering, platinum-blonde hair. As my gaze lingered, Anne turned her head and smiled softly, lightly pulling my chin to kiss me.

The slightly tart, summer rose-like taste was soon overwhelmed by a wave of sweetness.

“When I was buried in darkness, my soul fallen, committing all sorts of sins… you forgave me.”

I babbled, intoxicated by the sweetness. I dredged up fragments of your past words from the swamp of memory, piecing them together like a proud gift to present to you.

Perhaps there were shards of truth in there that I didn’t know, but in front of your radiant smile, all those thoughts became meaningless.

“You’re my savior.”

“Yes, Louis.”

We kissed again. In the exchange of sticky saliva, unsuited for this sacred space, everything melted and bleached away. My mind was so full that I couldn’t dare think of anything else.

It was better that way. As you wished, and as I now wished.

A doll doesn’t judge. A doll doesn’t think, worry, or agonize. It just dangles from a hand, nodding its head where it’s placed.

How easy and comfortable. Living as a doll is much better than living as a human.

“I will definitely save you.”