Chapter 33

“Why are you still making that face, Louis? I’m all better now!”

“…Yeah, that’s a relief.”

“Oh, come on, don’t be so down. I’ve been stuck in bed all day, and my body’s itching to move! What should we do today?”

“Anything. Whatever you want.”

*

033

Happiness (Part 1)

*

Since that day, nothing had changed, yet something had.

What hadn’t changed was the routine. Drinking holy water, reading scripture, and spending most of the remaining time in silence and meditation—days as austere as a monk’s.

I was gradually adapting to it. Listening to the haunting voices as lullabies, treating the occasional hallucinations as mere illusions. Enduring the headaches that stabbed my skull and the burning pain in my throat.

Yes, what had changed was my heart.

I realized, far too late, that whether I was a heretic or not didn’t matter in the first place. After all, I was in their world, and until I met their standards, I couldn’t leave.

All I could do was strive and ponder. I no longer felt anger or despair. My heart, as calm as your eyes, no longer rippled with waves.

Perhaps I had attained enlightenment, or maybe I had simply accepted it. Or perhaps I no longer had the strength to struggle.

“The hand that leads to darkness, the whispers within, the seductive demon… There are many names for it, but the Order calls this phenomenon ‘Laube’s Voice.'”

After I managed to read nearly half of the scripture in one go, Anne added one more thing to this repetitive routine.

A deep religious study session taught by her. Secrets about gods and the world, things a country bumpkin like me shouldn’t know, were crammed into my head.

Most of it slipped through my mind, but today my focus was at its peak.

Because the topic was that important and special.

“The catalyst for heresy, or Laube herself. They say she first appears as a voice without any form.”

“Like… auditory hallucinations?”

“Similar, but a bit different. While hallucinations are lies born from our own minds deceiving us, Laube’s Voice is a lie that comes entirely from the outside.”

It was hard to understand, but I felt relieved hearing it wasn’t the same. After all, it meant all the hallucinations and voices I experienced were just products of my shattered mind.

…Being mentally ill is such a joy, huh. Ha. Haha. Really.

“So the moment we hear it, we immediately realize it’s not us—not even human, but something entirely different. It whispers in our ears, but if we ignore it, it eventually fades away.”

“I see.”

“But once you start listening to that voice, things change.”

Gulp. I swallowed hard at the shift in Anne’s demeanor.

The cold hostility and murderous intent weren’t directed at me. But because they weren’t, Anne openly revealed the hatred in her heart.

Just looking at her sent chills down my spine. A cold madness gleamed in her eyes, and Anne, oblivious to my trembling, continued.

“The voice, which initially whispered in fragments, gradually becomes more verbose and skilled. It whispers unknown knowledge, teaches things you don’t know, and guides you down paths that seem right.”

Coldly yet passionately. A contradictory expression, but that’s how faith often is.

“The greatest teacher, advisor, and god whispering right beside you, solely for you—who wouldn’t fall for that?”

I chose to remain silent, adding no further comments.

I couldn’t understand her heart. What I needed wasn’t a teacher, advisor, or god. A friend, a lover, someone precious. Wasn’t life enough with just that?

But wealth, power, and fame—no matter how trivial, I understood the hearts of those who chased such illusions as merchants.

“It’s the height of foolishness, behavior befitting the deluded! Why would Ailim rise to personally care for His creations when He has set His lambs free outside the fence?”

This part I could nod along to. After all, my days of reading scripture weren’t in vain.

“…Because the greatest gift Ailim gave us is free will, right?”

“Exactly! You get it, Louis! We’ve gained the right to carve our own paths with our own strength! Not like in the past, where we were merely crowned kings of creation in the embrace of the great one! That is the greatest gift He has given us.”

A little agreement, and Anne excitedly rambled on, undoubtedly a fanatic.

But her demeanor, even as an adult, was strikingly similar to her childhood self, making my heart ache a little. Her fervent devotion to the great god was no different from the way she used to excitedly talk about things she loved as a child.

The tangy scent of summer roses, the cool stream that flowed around our ankles, the pieces of meat the hunter uncle secretly shared with us, and the envy-inducing exotic toys from distant lands…

…And me.

“And heretics are the foolish idiots who sell that greatest gift, free will, their very souls—to demons.”

But reminiscing about the past was brief. The way Anne spoke about heretics was undeniably that of a skilled Inquisition Judge, and even I, who knew her, couldn’t help but tremble in fear.

“The more you listen to Laube’s Voice and follow its words, the ‘voice’ becomes clearer. Eventually, you start to see its form. At first, only the person affected can see it.”

But even Anne, in her anger and hostility, felt a hint of fear toward the existence of evil.

“On the brink of heresy, just one step away from losing everything… you can no longer distinguish illusion from reality, and that deceptive form becomes visible to others.”

“Really? Ugh.”

As I winced from a sudden headache, Anne shifted from the strict teacher or mission-driven Inquisition Judge to the Anne I knew—a kind girl—and gently brushed my forehead.

“Are you okay? Should we stop here?”

Though she said that, I knew Anne strongly adhered to the Order’s discipline. Her words meant she had already met today’s quota.

Continuing the lesson despite that was Anne’s will, or perhaps her greed. Normally, I would’ve nodded immediately, but even through the headache, I stammered out a question.

“So even serving Laube… is ultimately Ailim’s will, right?”

If someone says, ‘Everything I say is a lie,’ what happens?

If everything they say is a lie, then ‘Everything I say is a lie’ becomes true, which means they told the truth, making ‘Everything I say is a lie’ a lie again…

The logic of scripture and the Order was the same. Endless contradictions and paradoxes are inseparable from religion.

If mortals were given free will and the ability to choose everything, then isn’t their choice ultimately Ailim’s will? If so, then if everything happens according to Ailim’s will, do mortals truly have free will?

“Well, some radical theologians among the brethren do say that.”

But Anne brushed it off lightly, neither angry nor impressed. It wasn’t a genius idea or miraculous logic, just an old, dusty thought anyone could have.

“But Louis, you mustn’t misinterpret Ailim’s will. Free will isn’t just the right to choose but also the responsibility to bear the consequences.”

Reward good, punish evil. According to the logic that forms the backbone of religion, even if one chooses evil with free will, they must still face judgment for their choices.

That’s why Inquisition Judges exist.

“But I’m glad you’ve started to understand the teachings a bit more, Louis.”

“Really…?”

“Yeah, I told you, right?”

Anne moved away from the desk and gestured to me. I awkwardly followed, sitting on the cold floor and leaning against the bed.

Not changed, but returned. Like before, spending the whole day together, it was only natural that our past relationship would restore itself once I let go of my hatred.

Flowers don’t bloom in winter, but once the snow melts, sprouts emerge.

No matter how many times it’s repeated, no one calls it boring or predictable. It’s the natural cycle of nature. The natural order of the world.

We were the same.

“One day, if we keep doing this…”

Loving each other was natural.

Being each other’s first was only natural.

Just as snow doesn’t fall in summer or the sun shine brightly in winter after ten cycles of seasons, we followed the natural order. As our hearts led us.

Holding hands, leaning on each other, sharing warmth.

“We’ll be able to leave this place.”