Chapter 18

“······If anyone sees us like this, we’re both gonna get scolded so bad by the auntie.”

“Ehehe······Louis, your embrace is so warm······.”

“Well, if you’re happy, then sure.”

*

018

Separation Anxiety (Mid)

*

It wasn’t real.

It was all my imagination again. Everything.

No one comes to this space. The straight, white horizon that seems so clear actually trembles slightly when you look closely, and you can tell that the space is slowly shifting and changing.

But that doesn’t mean someone new will appear. Sometimes, I see solitary cells with silver bars like mine on the sides or across, but they’re always empty.

Except for the lack of a chamber pot and Scripture, they’re exactly the same as my cell. How many heretics have been preserved in here?

“Anne!”

Anne was gone, and of course, my voice didn’t reach outside.

But there was nothing else I could do. Just the thought of reading the Scripture made me nauseous, so I kept calling your name like a devout believer crying out to God.

“Anne! Anne! Anne! Anne! Anne!”

Anne, Anne, Anne······.

Even in this vast space, it felt like an echo was ringing. Or maybe my broken brain couldn’t even distinguish its own voice.

Whatever. I chuckled and then slammed my head against the wall. The dull pain shook my skull, but the pain that blurred my senses was welcome. Nothing could torment me more than the anguish and turmoil boiling inside me.

Come to think of it, I think I hurt my head earlier too. The blood flowing from my broken forehead felt new. Maybe there’s some regenerative effect in this space that Anne didn’t mention. I laughed, not even bothering to wipe the blood dripping down.

A few drops fell into my mouth, creating a sweet and salty taste. But most of it evaporated before it could flow, as if hit by a concentrated barrage of light. Frustrated, even the stains on my hands disappeared as if someone carefully wiped them away.

Suddenly, a rebellious urge surged, and I started hurting myself. In my dazed state, the pain I inflicted on myself was nothing compared to the torture I had endured. Maybe my pain threshold had risen from all the scarred experiences.

“Ha, hahaha.”

I want to believe in you.

Can I really leave this place? If I’m a heretic, can I be purified? I don’t even know what it means to be tainted by darkness.

Can we be happy again?

“Ahahahaha!”

I laughed.

I slammed my head against the wall. Even in this state, I was too scared to approach the silver bars. My brain turned to mush, everything mixed together, and as tears flowed and everything melted away, I just laughed.

I wish I could forget it all. If I don’t remember, maybe it never happened. Keep erasing, erasing, erasing. Yefrinse, our hometown. Can’t my mind stay there forever?

Ridiculously, I was still convinced. Even if I regressed into a child, you would take care of me with all your heart. If I couldn’t feel, I could still be happy in this small, white cage. Because you’d be by my side.

If you ever harmed me, it would only be for one reason. To drive out the darkness within me.

So what is it?

“What is it?!”

I stopped laughing and started raging. As if Anne were right in front of me, I poured out all my grievances, sorrow, and anger into the empty air where no one could hear.

If I don’t love you, am I fallen? If I fear you, am I tainted by darkness? Of course! You’re a monster, a monster who kills humans with bare hands! It’s natural to fear you! I’m just human. Human, human, human!

Before you destroyed our village, I had nothing to do with violence. Before you slaughtered the villagers, I only vaguely feared death. But now, my present is drenched in blood.

Self-harm and self-interrogation, a sticky pool of self-loathing. Even the light of purification couldn’t immediately erase the stubborn stains as I screamed and flailed.

Bang.

Even regeneration and purification have limits. When I slammed my head against the wall again like a madman, I felt the world spin. The familiar sensation of fainting.

At least it’s a relief. As everything is engulfed in darkness, at least my heart······can be at peace······.

*

Fainting is something you can never get used to. You sleep like the dead, then wake up clutching your throbbing head.

Maybe the pain lingers like an echo because I kept hitting my head. My mind, once shattered, felt heavy, but it also felt like it was soaked in oil, ready to ignite at any moment.

This emptiness might be making me more miserable. There’s nothing here. Absolutely nothing.

Even if I wanted to focus on something else, the only thing to read is the Scripture, and reading it only made me feel worse. It’s hard not to feel hostility toward religion in this situation.

I just woke up, and my headache has calmed me down a bit······. But soon, the tinnitus and hallucinations will torment me again. When I come to, I’ll have a fit, hurt myself, and knock myself out again.

“Anne.”

She’s not here. No one is outside the bars.

Wait, there is someone. But it’s not Anne.

She appeared like a ghost, with no presence, so it took me a while to notice her. She was staring at me from outside the bars, wearing a white robe, looking like a priestess.

But there were no symbols on her chest. No humble silver cross, no noble gold cross, no thorny cross of the Inquisition Judge, or the cross bound with thorns on my clothes.

Her plain, unadorned priestess robe contrasted sharply with her night-black hair. I asked the silent figure staring at me.

“Who are you?”

For some reason, she reminded me of my fiancée. Hmm, what did she look like again?

She answered.

“Ah, a priestess here to teach you what to practice······? Well, you can just call me Teacher.”

The ‘Teacher’ nodded.

Come to think of it, didn’t Anne say she would take on that role? As soon as the question arose, the Teacher quickly explained.

“Ah, well, usually, one person doesn’t handle this alone. I mean.”

I don’t know how many heretics there are, but the reformatory itself seemed vast, so it didn’t seem like Anne could handle everything alone.

There must have been someone managing this place from the beginning······. The moment I thought that, my body started tingling with phantom pain.

That red-haired Inquisition Judge also seemed familiar with other prisoners, calling them ‘brother’ and chatting casually.

“Don’t worry······? You won’t do such things, right?”

“Haha, that’s a relief. I still can’t trust you, but if you’re a merciful priestess, you’ll understand.”

I wiped my face. When I was with Anne, all my senses were focused on her, leaving no room to feel anything else.

But with others, or with the Teacher, all the hallucinations and illusions seemed to hold their breath. Like they’d met a predator.

I don’t know the exact reason, but it was a relief. Loneliness is the most suffocating poison, so I wanted someone, anyone, by my side.

······In the end, the only person I could find true peace with, even while fearing her, was one.

Come to think of it, why is Anne late?

I had no idea how much time had passed. I’d already fainted several times. My senses were so tangled that I couldn’t tell if hours, days, or even months had passed.

“Given my state, it’s probably too much to teach me anything now, right?”

Yeah, in this mental state, nothing’s going to stick.

But the Teacher didn’t leave. Instead, she persistently hovered around, trying to provoke me.

“What happened? It’s not like there’s anything you can’t tell······.”

I’ve already spilled it all to that villain. I was starved for human interaction, afraid of loneliness.

The nosy meddling of people must be the priestess’s mercy, or something like that. Things that would normally seem trivial felt desperate in this moment.

Because Anne wasn’t by my side right now.

“The villagers died.”

“And not just anyone, but by Anne’s hand. It’s ridiculous, right? She grew up in the village with me.”

“Even though we promised to marry, maybe she was angry that I made a separate fiancée. Was it my fault?”

“And then I was dragged here. Now I’m like this.”

The words spilled out in a jumble.

I thought it would make me feel better to say them out loud, but it didn’t. Instead, my chest felt even tighter.

I still don’t know what Anne means by darkness, but if it’s my negative emotions, then it feels like darkness is slowly rising inside me.

The Teacher looked at me and said.

“No.”

I shook my head.

I’m aware of the contradiction in my actions. When Anne comes, I’ll inevitably hate and blame her, but at the same time, in her absence, I crave her and want to protect her.

The Teacher didn’t speak. I said to her.

“Anne isn’t bad.”