Chapter 11

“If there’s no world with Louis, then there’s no reason for me to live either.”

011

Friend or Foe (Part 2)

It was brutal.

All the pain and sorrow I had experienced up until now felt like a child’s tantrum in comparison. No emotional torment could compare to being burned alive, drowned, and having my nails ripped out in reality.

My consciousness kept flickering on and off. Every time I woke up, I saw a devilish face grinning at me, shoving crimes I didn’t commit in my face and urging me to confess. I didn’t even know what I was saying in response.

Each time I regained consciousness, I tried my best to deny everything, but I might have unknowingly succumbed to the pain and said what they wanted to hear.

“Ugh, ah.”

When I opened my eyes again after passing out, everything had changed.

The smell of blood hadn’t completely disappeared, but it had faded. What I noticed more clearly was the obscured light. The sharp, stabbing light that had been gouging my eyes like blades was now hidden behind long, platinum hair that flowed like a veil.

In the shadows, I finally breathed peacefully.

“An…ne…”

My voice was dry and cracked as it escaped my lips. A gentle hand, like a soft breeze, brushed through my disheveled hair, as if to reassure me.

“Yes, Louis.”

I was lying down. On Anne’s lap.

I didn’t have the strength to open my eyes, so I kept them closed. As a result, all my other senses became more vivid. The gentle hand stroking me, the soft rustle of high-quality fabric, and the firm yet tender flesh supporting me.

“I’m here.”

“Do you…remember?”

If I kept my eyes closed like this, it felt like all the things I had experienced were fading away.

The cool breeze wasn’t blowing, but the blinding light was filtered through Anne’s hair and my eyelids, becoming bearable. A shadow fell over my head, and right beside me was you.

A midsummer afternoon, when the roses were in full bloom, and we were lazing around together.

“It was hot…and you were weak, so you’d collapse quickly under the sun… Someone had to watch over you…”

Back then, the situation was the opposite. You were often sick, and even when you weren’t, your weak body tired easily. Your pale skin never tanned, no matter how much sun it got.

I would carry you to the shade of a tree and let you rest on my lap. Looking back now, I wonder how my stiff body could have been comfortable for you.

“I remember.”

Even though it might have been burdensome at times, you never once rejected my kindness.

“I could never forget the most precious memories of my life.”

I wanted to say more, but only a wheezing sound came from my throat. When I blinked, Anne, as if understanding without words, picked up a water pitcher beside her.

The same tool used to torture me. Her delicate fingers skillfully tapped my chin to open my mouth, and she carefully poured water in. I drank the water she offered, even as my throat burned.

In my current state, I couldn’t tell if I was getting better or worse.

“Why.”

A sob-like sound barely escaped my blocked throat.

“Why…? Why, why…! Why on earth…!”

Like a broken doll, I kept repeating the word “why” in a daze.

I didn’t even have the energy to get angry anymore.

Why did I have to lose everything? Why did the people of our village have to be sacrificed so meaninglessly? For what, for love?

And why, you.

How can you look at me with such a sad expression after doing what you did?

“I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t even tell if the apology came from me or Anne.

“My selfishness kept you here, took away your peace, and robbed you of the opportunities you could have had.”

“Why.”

“But I couldn’t let you go.”

It felt like Anne and I were having a conversation, or maybe I was just rambling to myself while she listened silently. I raised my trembling arm and grabbed her wrist.

The monstrous strength that could throw weapons and create storms was now so lightly restrained. If I closed my eyes, maybe I could escape this reality and let you rest comfortably like that summer day.

The scenery I see when I close my eyes, the voice I hear when I cover my ears, the pain that tears at my heart with every movement.

The cold, grayish-blue eyes looking down at me, now grown but still the same.

It felt like they were telling me I could never return to those days.

*

It took a long time to pull myself together.

During that time, Anne stayed by my side. Even though all of this started because of you.

At first, I was afraid, but after being scraped to the bottom, only the purest part of my heart remained. Like a child waking from a nightmare, I found solace only in Anne’s embrace.

Like the day you hid under the blanket I covered you with during a thunderstorm. But unlike then, now even when I open my eyes, the nightmare doesn’t end, and the storm in my head refuses to cease.

Will there ever be an end to all of this?

I don’t know. But if I’m not going to bite my tongue and die right now, I have to find a way to live.

A surprising surge of desire for life.

“What…will happen to me now?”

The pain, like being scorched in hellfire, washed away the sorrow in my eyes, and I finally saw reality.

No matter how oblivious I was, I couldn’t ignore that this place was far from an ordinary prison. The biggest clue was the name Anne mentioned—’Reformatory.’

A man had also said something similar. This was a place to lock away heretics beyond redemption. But no matter how much I thought about it, creating such a facility just for isolation…

It still felt a bit off.

“Louis. I want to get you out, but not until we catch the core of the heresy…”

“That’s not it.”

The voice that came out of my mouth was surprisingly calm. No longer angry, despairing, or screaming.

No matter how much I struggled, reality wouldn’t change, so in the end, it was me who had to change.

“In here. I don’t think they’ll just keep me locked up forever.”

“Ah, so you’ve accepted it?”

Anne’s face brightened at those words.

Even in this bright space, the light Anne carried was uniquely special. I had seen it many times before, but it still captivated me.

Like when I moved the only raspberry from my muffin to yours after dessert, or when I found the smooth stone I gave you by the stream years later in your closet.

The face you made when you were happiest was the one I saw now. I didn’t want to understand it.

“Yes, you’ve thought it through!”

Her voice rose to a soprano tone. Anne’s eyes sparkled as she grabbed my hand, which had barely moved.

“Nothing like what just happened will ever happen again. I’ve made sure of it… From now on, I’ll protect you! So don’t be too afraid.”

“Then, what will I do?”

She excitedly poured out words as if there was something truly good ahead. I used to hold her hand and jump around with joy as if it were my own happiness.

But this time, I couldn’t.

The even tone of my voice wasn’t calmness but an attempt to hide my emotions.

But in a relationship where we knew each other inside out, could such a clumsy act work? Sensing the gloom coiled in my heart, Anne’s voice also drooped.

“Louis… You’re still not happy about it, are you?”

Accepting reality doesn’t mean all emotions are neatly resolved.

Human emotions aren’t that simple. The biggest chunks had only temporarily settled, but residue-like bitterness still lingered in my heart.

I lost my family, my home, my hometown. I was unjustly imprisoned and even tortured.

I was aware. That in this situation, the only one who could extend a helping hand to me was Anne. I knew it, I knew it…

“I understand it’s hard and painful.”

No, you don’t understand.

The best judgment for survival, the eternal love that could never be betrayed. The newly carved scar on my chest couldn’t be fully covered.

“But Louis. We must not forget the words Ailim has given us. The sins we bear can only be atoned for on a path of thorns.”

Her comforting voice was gentle and kind.

I prided myself on having strong patience, but when I did get angry, I would lose all reason. At those times, it was her voice, warm like a spring breeze, that soothed me.

But even as I listened to her voice, the turmoil in my heart didn’t settle as it used to.

“So, just endure a little longer…”

“You too.”

One last time.

This is the last time I’ll ask.

“Do you also think of me as a heretic… or evil? That I’m destined for hell?”

Please, don’t you look at me that way.