Chapter 15

“Is everything really fine?”

“Yes, Mother. Seoyeon is fine. In fact, she is quite resilient.”

“Thank goodness.”

A few days after the first filming.

Mom immediately took me to the psychiatric hospital.

She said it was officially for stress management, but I could roughly guess the reason.

‘Is it because of what I heard last time?’

Words from Kim Mi-yeon, the actress who worked with me on the previous CF advertisement.

Apparently, what actress Jeong Eun-seon said this time also weighed heavily on her mind.

Based on the events so far, I could roughly guess the conversation that took place between director Gong Jung-tae, Mom, and actress Jeong Eun-seon.

‘It must be because of emotional acting.’

I looked at my reflection in the window as I walked holding Mom’s hand.

A cute little girl’s face.

Six years.

No, almost seven years of ‘me.’

‘Actress Jeong Eun-seon doesn’t like my acting.’

I don’t think it’s because she dislikes me.

She’s the type of person who believes “kids should be kid-like.”

I think her intention was something like, “Young actors should avoid deep emotional acting and only start after they are mentally mature.”

She’s not wrong.

There’s no need for deep emotional acting when you’re a child actor.

Just riding on the surface emotions is enough, and even that I’ve exceeded.

I’m not stupid.

I’m obviously aware of how people perceive my acting.

Jeong Eun-seon might think my acting is unstable.

But I’ve never thought of this as acting.

It was a behavior close to my daily routine in my previous life.

Let’s say, yeah.

It’s related to my previous life.

Alexithymia.

A condition where one cannot fully feel others’ emotions or express their own properly.

It’s somewhat different from what is commonly referred to as sociopathy or psychopathy.

The reason why I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents in my past life.

And the reason why I went through a prolonged period of unemployment was ultimately because of this.

So, from a young age, I was forced to be normal.

No being special.

I learned to laugh when happy and cry when sad, just like normal people.

I had to learn each emotion one by one.

To mimic emotions.

For that, I consumed a lot of media.

Movies, dramas, books, web novels, games—anything that clearly depicted human emotions.

To naturally blend into the crowd.

For quite a long time, I lived solely for that purpose.

Still, I consider myself lucky.

It’s said that people with the same condition can’t even achieve what I have.

Even the doctor said my case was rare.

“Mom, I got a job.”

When I said that with a smile, I could express emotions just like other people.

“See? You can do it, can’t you?”

Mom smiled and hugged me.

But even then, I didn’t fully understand those emotions.

I think my emotion mimicking is different from acting.

Simply imitating emotions can feel fake and unnatural.

It can even lead people to dislike, something known as the “uncanny valley.”

But I was in a state of subtly crossing that boundary.

Fake emotions that were so close to real.

I’ve lived in that gray world.

Neither completely black nor white.

A gray world.

In that gray world, I accidentally came across the live stream of a Vtuber.

At first, I didn’t understand why people liked watching pictures instead of humans.

But when this Vtuber made a move, people cheered, praised, and seemed genuinely happy.

Maybe it was from that moment.

Even though I couldn’t always watch due to work, I would always tune in whenever I had time.

A 3D or drawn virtual mask that did not reveal human emotions.

Perhaps through that, I could appear normal too.

That’s what I thought.

“Joo Seoyeon.”

When I looked up, I saw the face of a moody girl.

“What are you doing here all alone? Hurry up!”

Jiyeon stood with crossed arms, speaking in an unusually teasing manner.

Sometimes, she really doesn’t seem like a six-year-old.

“I’m going.”

“Hmm.”

Jiyeon inspected me from top to bottom, then stared at the large tank behind me.

“Waiting for the beluga?”

At her words, I glanced behind me.

Today, I was on a kindergarten field trip to the aquarium.

Watching countless fish swim in the enormous tank was truly spectacular.

“Then why are you here?”

“I…”

Jiyeon hesitated for a moment.

“I’m here to find a lost child. You, yeah. You.”

‘She’s lost her way.’

It seemed the aquarium would soon announce the search for the lost child.

Of course, that included me too.

“Hey, stop laughing! I’m serious!”

As Jiyeon said this, I chuckled slightly and turned my gaze back to the tank.

Laughing.

It’s a simple action, but it feels very strange to me.

In fact, for quite some time after being reborn, I didn’t realize what had changed.

‘I’ve turned into a girl.’

I thought, observing myself with a somewhat detached gaze, thinking “What a cute child.”

I didn’t overthink it.

Because I didn’t know how.

That’s still mostly the same.

After all, I never tried to adapt.

I’ve simply lived thinking my body is the same as in my past life.

I’ve felt something was different, but perhaps I unconsciously rejected it.

…What a fool I’ve been.

I realized this when I started acting.

Of course, this body perfectly feels emotions.

No illness. It’s very healthy and robust.

A truly invincible body after a transformation (TS body).

So, in other words,

I’m unfamiliar with this concept of emotions.

I can’t express them when I’m conscious of them.

I don’t want to show the constructed self from my past life.

That’s where the contradiction arises.

Kim Mi-yeon, and probably Jeong Eun-seon as well,

undoubtedly noticed this emotional dissonance in me.

Both are actors skilled in emotional acting.

Especially Jeong Eun-seon’s method acting is said to be one of the best in Korea.

Which is why they must have recognized that my emotional state is unstable.

Emotions are unfamiliar to me.

Facing them terrifies me.

My acting feels closer to reliving my past life.

Decades of accumulated experience make it seem like acting far beyond my age.

If one emotion is worth a hundred points, I can mimic about 95 to 98 points.

So if someone sees it, it would appear as if I’m giving a nearly perfect emotional performance.

But it’s not perfect.

And I’m a child actor.

The required level isn’t generally that high.

Therefore, when I do much beyond the required level, it’s natural to be surprised.

However,

‘Adult actors’ performances are still different.’

Everyone said my acting was better.

But I didn’t agree.

Compared to actors like Kim Mi-yeon and Jeong Eun-seon,

they are incomparably superior.

Above a hundred points.

Perhaps even higher.

The kind of actors who can perform beyond what’s asked of them are usually called “real actors.”

If I continue to grow, I might become an actor close to perfect, but reaching above that will be tough.

As I age, the required level of acting will only rise.

My unchanging acting style will inevitably stagnate.

“…The aquarium.”

“What? Of course, it’s the aquarium. That’s obvious.”

“No, I mean my acting.”

I looked around.

The beautiful scenery of the aquarium came into view.

A world mimicking the sea.

People can be moved and amazed even through such mimicry.

But compared to the real ocean, it’s naturally insufficient.

It’s somewhat like that.

“What are you talking about?”

Jiyeon spoke with an annoying tone.

Of course, I didn’t expect much from a six-year-old.

Smirking with crossed arms, I chuckled.

“It must be nice being a kid.”

“Reflex.”

“…”

For a moment, I couldn’t find a counterargument to Jiyeon’s “reflex.”

It felt like replying would mean losing somehow.

‘Ah, anyway.’

I turned my gaze behind me.

The popular star of this aquarium, the beluga, has now revealed its white figure.

As I extended my hand toward the approaching beluga, it touched its nose against the top of the glass.

‘I need to adapt.’

After visiting the hospital and seeing Mom’s worries, I reconsidered.

Though I failed in my past life, I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes here.

The experiences from my past life remain within me.

This is undoubtedly a precious strength unique to me, something no actor can possess.

‘And for better RP!’

Didn’t my usual Vtuber always say?

“Whatever you do, you must put your heart into it!”

So far, my goal has been to become a Vtuber.

To create the kind of virtual “me” that I so desperately wanted in my past life.

That dream still lingers, unchanged.

But,

Isn’t there one thing I should genuinely throw my heart into?

“Jiyeon.”

“Yeah?”

Standing against the light streaming from the blue-lit tank,

I spoke to Jiyeon, who was gazing blankly at the beluga.

“Me.”

Grinning confidently,

“I’m going to become an actress.”

One who will be loved by everyone.

“…”

Gong Jung-tae had a headache.

After listening to actress Jeong Eun-seon’s concerns, he was indeed worried about how to guide Seoyeon.

“But, it could just be misplaced concern, right?”

There aren’t many child actors as polished as Jeong Eun-seon would like.

How many people can distinguish between deep emotional acting and surface-level performances?

Besides, Seoyeon had never complained about her acting being difficult.

So, maybe she’s fine…

“—and say that just feels too lame, right?”

“Huh?”

“!!”

Gong Jung-tae jumped in surprise and spun around.

There stood Seoyeon, who had quietly changed clothes, standing politely.

“C-cough. Hmm. Ah, Seoyeon, is there anything?”

“Yes, hello Director.”

As usual, Seoyeon gave her adorable tummy-touch greeting when she entered the filming set.

The staff always smiled fondly at her greetings.

‘Anyway, we shouldn’t push her too hard. Let’s keep things light. Light.’

Nodding to himself, trying to ease his complex emotions.

But then,

“You don’t need to worry about the acting, it’s fine.”

“…!”

Seoyeon suddenly said that.

‘She heard!’

Panicking and thinking of what to say,

Seoyeon bowed again before disappearing. Her steps seemed lighter than usual.

“…Hm?”

Director Gong tilted his head as he watched Seoyeon’s departing back.

For some reason,

He felt like something about Seoyeon had changed.

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