Chapter 33

After a long while of banging her head and groaning, Sena finally got up as the moon began to tilt.

Even if crying made her feel relieved, her expression just looked completely empty.

It seems like she’s become a doll, just like I once was, letting everything go and forcing herself to accept it.

“…I’ll go in first. Don’t stay out too long, it’s cold.”

“Are you sure? It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”

“It’s fine. We’ll probably see each other often from now on.”

I see.

It’s a relief that she’s made up her mind. Even if it’s not exactly pleasant.

It would be so much easier if I could be like Sena. Even if we’ve both become dolls, I guess we’re bound to differ in some ways.

Sena’s figure as she walked away was unsteady, but the direction she was heading in was straight, so it was strangely dazzling.

Maybe that’s why I felt a little sad.

Not being understood by anyone, after all.

I stayed by the fountain until the warmth where Sena had been disappeared. It’s too cold when something that was there is gone, even if it wasn’t there from the start.

The moon no longer offered any comfort. It was ridiculous to think it ever did.

I returned to my room and collapsed onto the bed.

I wasn’t depressed enough to spend a particularly noisy dawn.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost immediately.

***

Something’s wrong with my body.

That was the first thought I had after opening my eyes.

At the same time, I was also sick of it. It was a feeling I was all too familiar with.

A feverish sensation that seemed to seep into my brain. A sense of weakness as if the cartilage and muscles between my joints had been torn apart. Headache, nausea, chest pain, joint pain, stomach pain.

It was the all-too-familiar feeling of my body breaking down. I used to suffer like this once or twice a week.

The reason was probably last night’s walk. I thought I covered myself with a blanket in time, but I guess my body has become as fragile as glass.

I raised my arm to cover my throbbing eyes. Hot but cold. No matter how many times I experience this, I can never get used to it.

“…Can I keep it hidden? I don’t want anyone to worry.”

Breathing through my nose is a bit difficult. Not because it’s blocked, but because it’s hot.

But if I breathe through my mouth, it’ll look like I’m gasping. And then I’ll look like a patient.

This is troublesome.

I always have similar thoughts when my body is like this.

Ariana gets mad at me every time I’m sick, saying she’ll stick to me for 24 hours to nurse me. Since I hate being looked at with concern, I naturally end up thinking about how to hide it.

If I refuse, Ariana looks at me with even more worry, and I always end up saying the same thing. It’s not that I hate the act of being nursed. It’s just that I feel burdened using someone’s time for something as simple as a cold.

There are people in the world with more serious illnesses than me. Why should someone spend their precious time on someone like me? I’d rather they use it more valuably. Just leave me in the corner of the room and I’ll get better on my own.

Just save it for when I’m really dying.

It’s not a problem at all.

…It’s just an excuse.

“Yeah, it is.”

I don’t like being worried about.

Maybe I don’t like the me who’s being worried about. If I start liking myself, maybe I’ll be okay with being worried about.

If that’s the case.

No, let’s stop.

I shook my head a couple of times.

My feverish, dazed mind cleared up just a little.

When my fever rises, my delusions tend to get longer. It’s one of my bad habits.

Alright, open your eyes. Time to get ready for school. I can’t let anyone see me disheveled.

“Cough.”

As soon as I pushed myself up from the floor, my chest stung.

I instinctively frowned and brought my hand to my mouth as a cough burst out. At the same time, I felt something hot rising up my throat.

I tried to suppress the chest pain by patting my chest with my trembling hand. An even stronger cough erupted. Tears welled up. Something was seriously wrong, as the pain continued for a long time.

When I finally managed to calm the cough and looked at my hand, there were a few drops of dark blood clearly visible.

Suddenly?

I tilted my head in confusion. I hadn’t been hit anywhere, and nothing was broken, so why was this happening?

“Uh, I should wash… Ugh?”

I forced my startled mind to calm down and took a step, but this time my stomach was acting up.

The dizziness and nausea that had been tormenting me from the start came rushing up like crazy. It felt like my stomach was being tightly squeezed.

I didn’t even have time to do anything before I vomited stomach acid onto the floor.

“Ugh… Cough…”

Since I hadn’t eaten anything, only yellow fluid should have come out, but there was a reddish tint mixed in.

This definitely isn’t a normal cold. I let out a breathy, unpleasant sound and slightly raised the corner of my mouth.

I had a feeling something was off since the hyperventilation. Who knew it was my body sending a signal?

“Ugh… Haa… I hate this… Really.”

I staggered, covering my mouth, and then just collapsed. I tried to get up, but my legs wouldn’t cooperate. I gave up and leaned against the bed.

I’m definitely going to be late.

Thud. As I rested my head on the bed, I felt the blood rush to my head. My vision blurred and swayed.

Ha.

I’m not going to sleep.

I’m going, so don’t rush me.

Just a moment.

Just a moment to rest.

“So…”

After closing my eyes for a while, I felt like I was about to lose it, so I forced them open.

I thought I felt a bit better.

But nope, it was like I’d taken opium or something—everything in front of me was swaying like waves.

While a burning heat spread through my body, a chilling cold seeped deep into my bones.

I felt like a lump of dough baking in an oven.

Especially since I couldn’t move at will.

It hurts.

It hurts.

My head. My stomach. My chest. My throat. My legs. My arms.

It hurts.

I think I need to take some medicine.

Painkillers or whatever—I need to take something to get up and do anything.

Right now, all I have in this room are pills that trick my mind.

Ah, should I just take those?

Well, it’s medicine, so taking it is better than not taking it, right?

I barely managed to stretch my arm and pull the pill bottle from the bedside.

My trembling hands were so weak that I dropped it halfway, but at least I managed to scatter them on the floor.

Now, I just need to take them.

But they’re all mixed up—I can’t tell what’s what.

They all look blue.

Well, maybe it’s fine to just take them randomly.

It’s not like I’m expecting any real effect anyway.

Thinking that, I grabbed whatever I could and popped them into my mouth.

I didn’t even have the energy to get water, so I just swallowed them dry.

But even that was too much for my parched mouth.

Around the eighth pill, I felt something stuck deep in my throat—whether it was my esophagus or airway, I couldn’t tell.

“Cough…! Ugh…! Ack…! Ah.”

Crap.

It’s stuck.

I curled up, coughing violently, but there was no sign of it coming out.

Even as I gasped for air, my lungs didn’t feel like they were filling.

It felt like my usual attacks, but this was worse because the only way out was to dislodge whatever was stuck.

The edges of my vision were already turning black.

If I left it like this, the outcome was obvious.

Haha.

I really messed up this time.

Doing something unnecessary and ending up like this.

I didn’t want to die, but if I had to, I didn’t want it to be like this.

I wanted a cleaner, more dignified death that wouldn’t make people laugh.

Dying from choking on a pill? No thanks.

Then I guess I shouldn’t die.

I racked my oxygen-deprived brain for a solution.

What’s the method for this again?

The Heimlich maneuver requires someone else to be around.

Trying to do it myself? Hmm, no idea.

I don’t even remember it well.

Maybe just squeezing my chest would work?

But it’s hard to do alone, so maybe hitting it hard would do something.

I pushed myself up from the bed with great effort.

I was worried I wouldn’t even be able to stand, but my leg muscles seemed to function in the face of a life-or-death crisis.

Anyway, I stood up.

And then I immediately collapsed.

Of course, I couldn’t even brace myself, so my face and chest slammed into the hard floor.

My vision spun.

My head throbbed from the impact.

My body felt so heavy I couldn’t lift it.

I think I saw stars spinning around.

Guess that cartoonish expression is kinda realistic, huh?

My nose might be broken—a sticky, gross liquid was dripping down my face.

Ah, looking closer, it was coming from my mouth too. So that means…

The chest pain got worse, but the blockage was gone.

Guess the impact of breaking something dislodged whatever was stuck. Good for me.

My head was fuzzy and hurt, but I didn’t lose consciousness, so it’s probably just a mild concussion.

As for my chest, it’s probably just a familiar rib fracture.

This much is a reasonable price to escape the embarrassment of choking to death on a pill.

I spat out the blood pooling in my mouth and chuckled.

What am I even doing?

“I… can’t go….”

Even my muttered words had a metallic tone to them.

Looking like this, where could I even go?

I’d rather die somewhere no one can see me.

But I couldn’t just lie here either.

I had to clean up the mess.

The vomit, the blood, the spilled pills—I had to clean it all up before Maid Ai came, but my body wouldn’t move.

Maybe I’ll just sleep a little.

I’ve already given up on going to school, so I have plenty of time.

If I wake up before the afternoon and clean up, it’ll be fine. Yeah.

It’ll work out somehow.

It will.

I closed my eyes in the same collapsed position.

No, they just shut.

It was practically inevitable.

Too many things piled up, you know?

Everything hurt, so my brain just wanted to shut down.

What have I even accomplished?

It’s just so funny lying here like this, so I kept chuckling until I fell asleep.