Chapter 30

Ariana quickly left after confirming that I was stable.

It seemed like she had no intention of taking back her statement about not being overly obsessive.

Should I say thank you?

It feels a bit early to express gratitude since I don’t know when things will return to normal.

Humans are creatures who are only lenient with themselves.

They’re strict with others, not tolerating even a single mistake, but when it comes to themselves, they become incredibly forgiving.

I’ve never seen anyone who doesn’t fit this description.

Including myself.

“One pill a day. One pill every two days. Two pills a week.”

I rolled the pills she gave me before leaving in my hand.

Each pill had a distinct color or shape for easy identification, and the dosage was strictly regulated.

She even warned me not to deviate from the instructions.

They don’t seem to be as harmful as drugs, but they’re not exactly good for the body either.

But just as a healthy mind resides in a healthy body, perhaps a healthy body is built by having a healthy mind.

If I greedily chewed and swallowed these pills, I could probably float around in a daze for at least a few days.

Then, I could live a much more stable life than I do now.

Thinking that, I asked Ariana, but her response was something else.

She said the pills don’t heal you; they just trick your brain.

Then what’s the difference between these and drugs?

I don’t know.

I told her I’d try my best.

But wouldn’t it be okay to skip one or two?

My mom once said that taking medication is somewhat up to personal discretion.

And my dad added that it’s fine to ignore what doctors say.

They’re all just money-hungry frauds, and the only things you can trust are the drugs listed in the dictionary with proven efficacy.

I impulsively swallowed one pill.

Even though the effect shouldn’t have kicked in yet, I started feeling light and floaty.

The resonance of the word “pill” is truly something.

How am I supposed to control this?

I can’t.

“Maybe it’ll last three days.

If I don’t hold back a bit, Ariana will stop me, so try to exercise some self-control.”

If I could do that, I wouldn’t be living like this.

“That’s true.”

I sighed.

The strangely elevated mood I had before Ariana left turned out to be an illusion, and I felt like I’d tumbled off a cliff.

The fall felt even greater because I had been at such a high point.

Was it because Ariana left?

Or because I was left alone?

Maybe both.

I don’t know why those are the only reasons I can think of.

I’m sure I was suffering because Ariana wouldn’t fall.

Maybe reasons are just something we attach to things.

Perhaps my depression never had a reason to begin with.

Maybe I was just born this way.

Or maybe I changed the moment I came into this world.

Either way, nothing would’ve been different.

Except that it’s all gone to shit.

I swallowed the second pill and lay down on the bed.

“…The moon is beautiful.”

Yeah.

The window in my upside-down view projected the pitch-black night sky close to midnight.

A bluish full moon hung in the center.

No stars were visible.

They were drowned out by the overly bright moonlight unique to this world, making their presence faint.

A single glowing orb sat alone in the vast sky.

Though undoubtedly large compared to stars, it looked small and lonely in the empty space.

It must be lonely.

As I stared at it, a sudden urge to go outside came over me.

“It’s too late.”

What does it matter?

“You’ll get a demerit if the guards catch you.”

If they don’t catch me, it’s fine.

If they do, so be it.

“With your current condition, catching a cold breeze will definitely make you sick tomorrow.”

What does that matter?

“Ariana will worry.”

That’s the least relevant reason.

I got up.

It seemed chilly outside, but as a one-outfit kind of girl, I didn’t have anything extra to wear.

Similarly, I didn’t have anything to prepare, so all I had to do was step outside.

No matter how many reasons not to go were listed, it didn’t matter.

Aside from the depression, it had been a long time since my mind felt this calm in the early hours.

And it had been even longer since I felt such an impulse.

If it’s thanks to the pills, shouldn’t I enjoy it even more?

This very human moment of delusion.

I grabbed the doorknob.

***

As expected, there was nothing special outside.

The same sky, the same moon, and a colder night than I’d felt from inside.

There was no reason to have come out.

But still.

“Maybe I should’ve brought a blanket.

Then again, a girl sitting by the fountain wrapped in a blanket would look pretty ridiculous.”

There was a big difference between an empty room and an empty courtyard.

I think I understand why I suddenly wanted to come out.

Maybe I was suffocating.

If I’m going to be lonely, I should be lonely like the moon, occupying the vast sky.

Why should I just sit in a corner of my room and whine?

I felt a little more at ease.

Maybe taking a walk in the middle of the night isn’t so bad.

“…Still, I should’ve brought a blanket.”

The cold stone bench and the chill of the night air slowly crept up my body.

I hugged my knees.

It was cold, but I didn’t want to go back in just yet.

If possible, I wanted to stay out all night.

As I was pondering what to do, a small sound reached my ears.

The sound of something opening.

A sense of foreboding washed over me, and I turned my head toward the sound.

“…Ha.”

It was a face I hadn’t seen in a long time.

A girl opening a window on the third floor of the dormitory building, looking at me with a slightly surprised expression. Even though it had been weeks since I last saw her, she was the kind of person who couldn’t fade from memory no matter how much time passed.

In my academy life, where most people weren’t even worth remembering, she was one of the few who could be considered a good person.

Sena Blomberg.

Somehow, every time I meet her, it feels like flowery language increases.

Is it because we always meet at strange times?

As soon as our eyes met, she disappeared inside, made a clattering noise, and reappeared holding what looked like a blanket.

Then, she placed her foot on the windowsill.

And jumped.

From the third floor.

Is she sane?

“Ah… ugh…”

“…What are you doing?

If you’re hoping for suicide, you should find someone who can counsel you.”

“You should see it for yourself.”

“No! If I leave it alone, it might run away… Ugh…”

“Why would I run away?”

Even if I ran, I’d get caught in no time.

I don’t feel like wasting energy on something so pointless.

Noticing how Sena’s gaze sharpened at my words, I realized she took it the wrong way.

It wasn’t a lie, though.

Sena started walking toward me, pouring healing magic into her shattered legs and arms.

Judging by her coughing, her ribs might be in trouble too. Shouldn’t she take better care of herself?

Not that I have the right to say anything.

“What are you doing out here in the middle of the night, looking so pitiful? Where’s that mutt you always drag around?”

“Just getting some fresh air. You’ve got a sharp tongue tonight, Sena.”

“Of course! You never give me a single opening! That girl acts like she’s someone important, barking next to the Princess, and it’s driving me insane!”

Grumbling, Sena approached me and draped a blanket over me.

It was already warm. I don’t know what she used to heat it, but it was just enough for my chilled body.

“I thought you were being taken care of, but seeing you out here alone at this hour, maybe not? I get it. Thinking about what the Princess said…”

“That’s not it. I just felt like coming out.”

“…The Princess wouldn’t just feel like coming out. Unless she was kicked out, there’s no way.”

I wonder how she perceives me. As I silently stared at her, her expression twisted awkwardly.

“Really…? No, why all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I suddenly felt lonely.”

“You’re not just wanting to be alone, but you’re lonely?”

“Both, I guess.”

Hearing my vague answer, Sena sighed, brushed off the spot next to me, and sat down.

She seems confused. Can’t blame her.

I don’t even understand myself, so how could Sena, who I’ve only known for a few weeks, possibly get me? At least she’s trying.

“…It’s tough, but you seem better than last time, so that’s a relief. I was worried it might get worse.”

“Better, you think?”

“Don’t you? At least from the looks of it, you seem much better.”

“If it looks that way, then I’m glad.”

“…Glad? Why do you make it sound like you’re putting on a show?”

“I don’t know either. What I want to do. Whether I’m depressed. In pain. Wanting to die. The more time passes, the more confused I get, so I just let things flow. If that looks better than before, isn’t that a good thing?”

Sena seemed unusually flustered by my answer. She tried to hide the trembling in her voice, but her face gave her away.

“Good…? That’s not… good…”

Her wide eyes reflected me, yet they didn’t seem to see me.

What are you looking at? Who are you comparing me to?

Suddenly, I became curious about her past.

What could she have gone through to jump without hesitation at the mere thought of running away? How did she become so attached to someone like me, even after clashing with Ariana?

I didn’t ask.

It’s hard to meddle in others’ affairs when my own nose is three feet long.

“You still don’t know.”

But I can use that feeling in a different way.

Though I’m not sure if it’ll get through.

“If I end up dying, then it wasn’t good. If I somehow survive until graduation, then it’s good. No one knows the future, so the only answer lies in the outcome.”

“That’s… just procrastinating. Settling for reality, numbing your brain with hopeful thoughts, and killing even the slightest possibility… That’s the dumbest thing you can do.”

“Harsh. But no offense. Sounds like something you’d say to yourself.”

Sena hung her head low.

She looked pitifully deflated. This makes it seem like I’m the one tormenting her.

Actually, it’s the opposite. I’m the one pleading, and she’s the one listening.

“Don’t worry. I won’t ask.”

“…Okay.”

“But you shouldn’t do it either.”

“……”

No answer came. Not even the sound of water flowing, just the silence between our breaths lingering around the fountain.

I sighed and leaned my head back.

This is bad.

The moon is pale but so bright. I thought I was alone, but upon closer look, I could see a few stars.

I felt like laughing.

So I laughed.

My laughter tore through the settled silence.

I could feel the crazy woman’s gaze right beside me. Even so, right next to me is a bit much.

I wiped away the forming tears and spoke.

“Hahaha… Don’t look at me like that.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It happens.”

“No, I’m sorry… For everything…”

Sena’s head hung so low it almost touched her knees. Her voice sounded wet. Is she crying?

I’ve been getting a lot of apologies lately. Both her and Ariana seem really sorry to me.

Then they should just stop.

Why do they all act like they don’t know, trying to brush it off with a single apology?

I don’t get it.

Maybe she doesn’t understand me either.

No one truly understands another person. They just compromise.

Why are relationships so hard?

Maybe it’s just you who finds it hard.

If you and I are inherently lonely beings who neither understand nor are understood, then everything makes sense.

I hope that’s not the case. It’s a bit too sad.

My head hurt, so I looked at the moon.

It’s annoyingly pretty.

So annoying.