Ariana and I locked eyes in silence for a few seconds.
For some reason, all the kids in the class were staring at us too.
These were the same kids who wouldn’t shut up even if the professor told them to.
Just how weird did we look to everyone else?
I thought I was fine, but I guess I was just lying to myself.
My limbs started tingling, and a dull ache began in my chest.
I lowered my head for a moment and took a deep breath.
“…Huu.”
I couldn’t breathe.
Maybe I got too excited.
This feeling was all too familiar now.
No matter how much I breathed in, it felt like there was a hole in my lungs, and the oxygen just wouldn’t circulate.
Even after experiencing it so many times, it was still painful, disgusting, and just… painful, painful, painful. I hate it.
Ever since I fainted in front of Ariana last time, this would happen whenever I got too stressed or overly worked up.
If it got worse, I’d almost vomit while gasping for air before everything just… stopped. Luckily, so far, these episodes had only happened in my room.
So, not now.
I can’t embarrass myself like this in front of everyone.
Especially not in front of Ariana.
I just barely got the upper hand—I can’t let it all go to waste.
I tapped my chest with my left hand.
The cold sweat and pale complexion were unavoidable, but at least I couldn’t let my breathing get out of control before I got my medicine.
Thinking that, I forced a smile.
“Give it to me. Ari…ana.”
In my blurry vision, Ariana was…
Staring blankly at my wrist, which I was tapping against my chest.
My wrist.
The sleeve had slipped down because I raised my arm.
The bandaged wrist.
Ah.
I quickly pulled my sleeve down, but it was already too late.
The shock only made my breathing even more ragged.
Her slightly trembling voice reached my ears.
“…Princess. Your wrist again.
This can’t be a coincidence.”
“Haa…”
Idiot.
I told myself I wouldn’t let it show, but in the end, I couldn’t help but fall apart at the slightest disturbance.
The Princess is always the same.
Always, always, there’s something lacking.
Back then, and even now, nothing’s really changed.
The contents might have been different, but…
No, maybe not even that.
The union between me, who was nothing more than a criminal, and the Princess, gave birth to some kind of defective child.
“Hic… huu…”
“Princess?”
I bent over, clutching my knees.
My limbs were trembling, and my vision was starting to blur.
My lungs were desperately craving oxygen, but no matter how much I breathed, it wasn’t enough.
That feeling again.
Once it gets to this point, there’s no controlling it or pretending to be fine.
In a few minutes, the edges of my vision would start to go black.
I’d probably end up clawing at the floor, drooling, before passing out.
I could already imagine Ariana’s reaction when I woke up.
The flow that was somewhat in my favor had completely derailed.
Sometimes, it feels like everything about the Princess is blocking my path.
Her talent, her body, her mind.
As if it’s saying, “I won’t let you have peace, not even as much as you.”
As if it’s telling me to just struggle and die.
Well, I’m used to it by now.
Whether it’s paranoia or if there’s really something there, I don’t know.
Don’t get used to it.
Why are you sad?
Don’t get used to it.
Yeah.
How did it come to this?
I let half of my hazy mind go.
My vision started to darken.
The sounds around me began to feel distant.
Will I not get the medicine?
If I fail this time, I’ll have to wait indefinitely again. Can I endure it?
I’m tired of chipping away at myself every night.
Aren’t you okay now?
You even cut your wrist alone.
Being okay and being numb are different things.
Then what should I do?
You have to deceive.
The Princess’s mind.
Drown it in drugs so it can’t recognize the body breaking down.
Bury it in pleasure, in happiness, so it dies shedding something other than tears.
Is that really okay?
Yeah, it’s okay.
I’m happy with that.
If you’re happy with that.
What about me?
You…
“…Keh! Huu… ha…”
“Breathe slowly.
It’d be good if we had a bag or something…”
I don’t know. Figure it out yourself.
I can barely take care of myself.
I snapped back to reality and rolled my eyes.
I was already sitting on the floor, hugging my chest with both hands.
The one rubbing my back was probably Ariana.
The only warmth in my ice-cold body came from her touch.
I didn’t want to admit it, but it was so gentle that I wanted to lean into it.
…Enough with the useless thoughts. What should I do now?
I’m still short of breath.
I can’t even get up, let alone speak properly.
All I can do right now is gasp in Ariana’s arms.
It’s not like I can hide it anymore.
I can’t make any excuses now.
So, whatever it is, I have to do it.
“…Ugh.”
“Wait, be careful…”
My vision tilted.
Ariana quickly caught me as I almost fell backward from my seated position.
I turned slightly toward her unstable posture and pushed her down.
“I caught… hic, you…”
“What are you trying to do…?”
And then, I climbed on top of her, pinning her wrists.
Ariana, who had suddenly been tackled, looked clearly flustered.
“Calm down.
I get what you want to say, so let’s go to your room first—”
“No… Not now… Hii… Or else.”
Taking a deep breath, I assessed my own condition.
My face was drenched in fluids, my whole body trembling so much that it seemed like Ariana was holding me up. Moreover, the position I was in was so obscene that it could easily be misinterpreted, completely disregarding the eyes around me.
But for now, it was okay. I couldn’t even tell if there were still people nearby.
I leaned in closer, increasing the surface area where we touched. It wasn’t like I was exerting any strength—just letting my weight rest on her. But doing this, Ariana probably wouldn’t be able to shake me off easily.
Maybe.
“Ariana…”
“……”
With my unfocused eyes barely managing to meet hers, I let out what was in my heart.
“Huuu… Every night… Ha… It’s like this. Can’t breathe, hik… Suffering… Hurting myself…”
Raw words, not filtered through my brain, but bursting straight from my heart. Expressions I would never normally use poured out toward her.
“What… What am I supposed to do…? It’s already ruined. My life’s a mess… Ha… People who say they want to help… Their hands just choke me… Even when I say I don’t need it, they don’t listen… Do they even know what help is…?”
It’s disgusting.
Physically. Mentally. So disgusting it makes my eyes sting.
To think I’d be whining like this, tears streaming down my face, saying I can’t do it unless it’s now.
“The… The medicine was it. The only… Huu… hope was that, hik… It was the only thing that could… pickle my broken brain… and erase all the pain… wasn’t it…?”
I ignored the whining voice in my head.
This is why it has to be now. Normally, I’d never get past that.
Because it’s all true.
“Huu… You said… you’d give it to me, didn’t you? You said you’d give it to me…! I… Ha… I’m begging. I’ve thrown away my life… I’ll take the pleasure… Hik… So why won’t you give it to me…?”
But is it my fault…?
I didn’t choose to end up in this body.
I didn’t choose to get caught by the organization.
I probably didn’t choose to enter the Academy either.
So why did it have to turn out like this?
I lived kindly, didn’t I?
I’ve suffered so much, haven’t I?
Don’t I deserve just a little… just a little compensation…?
I’m not asking for much.
Return? That’s a luxury I don’t even dream of.
A peaceful death? I don’t even dare to dream.
I just… want the medicine. Even if it’s just the medicine…
I want to be so intoxicated by the time I die that my mind is gone.
If I lose all cognitive ability…
If I die without knowing anything…
At least I won’t be scared.
“If you don’t give me the medicine…! I’ll keep… Huuu… doing this. I’ll die like this… Hik… Give me the medicine, give me the medicine, Ariana, give me the medicine…”
I inched closer, almost pressing my lips against hers. It was so close that I started to wonder if I was just lying on top of her.
In that almost nonexistent distance, I mixed my breath with Ariana’s and continued to whisper.
Give me the medicine.
Give me the medicine.
Give me the medicine.
Medicine.
Medicine.
Medicine.
Medicine.
Medicine.
Medicine.
“……”
“Give me the med, hik…!?”
Ariana, who had been quietly listening to my endless whispers in my half-conscious state, suddenly sat up. In my blurry vision, I saw her lift me up in what’s called the princess carry.
I was worried she’d just get up easily, but it seems my body is too light for Ariana.
It’s an embarrassing position, but what can I do? My last resort of whining failed, so in this helpless state, there’s nothing I can do.
I closed my slightly open eyelids again.
Let’s give up.
It’s over.
I’ll struggle in pain and end up killing myself in withdrawal.
Ahaha.
In the end, it’s just as I expected.
“We’re going to the Princess’s room.”
Ariana whispered and started moving. She wasn’t going fast, probably trying to minimize the shaking.
All I could do was bury myself in her arms and gasp for breath. No, I couldn’t even do that properly—it felt like my lungs were soaked in water.
…I’m really going to die. Is this really hyperventilation?
As I felt the sensation in my limbs fading and twitched, Ariana’s soft voice reached my ears.
“We’ll talk again when you’re feeling better. And…”
A strange sensation touched my forehead and then left.
Probably her lips.
“…I’m sorry for everything until now.”
Confusion and questions arose as my consciousness faded.
