Chapter 27

For the past few weeks, my dawns have usually been like this.

Sometimes peaceful, often horrifying.

A dry dawn where even closing my eyes for a moment is difficult, let alone the luxury of dreaming.

During the day, I manage to act normal, caring about others’ gazes, but at night, I can’t control the runaway train of my mind.

Maybe I didn’t even try to control it.

If I tried to act fine even when alone, I would have ignored my own opposition and shoved a knife down my throat long ago.

Maybe that’s how it is.

Perhaps.

This pathological behavior ultimately stems from forcibly expressing something twisted.

I scraped, carved, gouged, and cut away at the princess through physical and mental self-harm, barely managing to wear the mask of indifference.

But even that is reaching its limit.

Me and ‘me’. Me and the princess. *** and Remia Adelian.

The many facets of myself, blending together yet trying to separate.

The things I forcibly denied are now voicing themselves at every turn.

The most unbearable pity and kind actions are being done by the person I should hate the most.

Having tasted the pleasure of drugs, thoughts of them now fill my mind.

Now, I can’t even properly fulfill the basic needs for survival.

Really.

It’s a miracle I’ve lasted this long.

If anything, I should be praised.

By someone. If no one else, then by myself.

“…Being able to think like this is only possible now.

After a horrific night, utterly exhausted, with no strength left to even make a sound in the morning.

Yes, if I recall your memories, it’s like a sage’s moment, isn’t it?”

I muttered while cleaning up the blood and fluids I shed all night, and the shattered items scattered everywhere.

I couldn’t burden Maid Ai with my troubles anymore.

Along with avoiding her, this was the only repayment I could offer.

And so, in contrast to the dawn, I restored the room to its original state, with only the sound of my periodic breathing in the otherwise restrained silence, my arm clumsily bandaged.

For the past few weeks, my mornings have usually been like this.

Because it was so horrific just before, it’s oddly peaceful now.

A quiet morning spent restoring what was twisted back to normal.

The only thing going back and forth.

Is my conversation with myself.

How tedious.

But it’s a peaceful time.

Well, that’s true.

Compared to a few hours ago, it’s almost unbelievable how much a person can change.

I finished cleaning and prepared to go to school.

The long sleeves of my uniform barely concealed the bandages on my wrists.

If it weren’t for that, Ariana would have already barged into my room.

When I first transferred, the situation was similar, but back then, she was the one causing the wounds, and now it’s me.

I have no idea how it ended up like this.

I left the room, transforming a sigh into a smile.

Whether I was truly smiling or not is beside the point.

At least the effort is what matters.

After Ariana started protecting me, the students who had been avoiding me didn’t even glance my way as I walked down the hallway.

Arriving at the classroom without incident, I immediately approached Ariana and said,

“Ariana.”

“Ah, Princess.

Did you have a peaceful night? Today, as always—”

“Give me the drugs.”

She froze mid-sentence, just as she had been brightly greeting me for the past few weeks.

What’s wrong?

You said it yourself.

That I would come to you asking for drugs.

Didn’t you already expect this?

Or was it too soon?

“Give me the drugs.”

I enunciated each word carefully, and only then did Ariana frown and respond.

“…No.”

“Why not?”

“Your body isn’t stable yet.

If you take something new now… it will come back two or threefold. The side effects, the addiction symptoms.”

It was a refusal.

A refusal so clear it left no room for negotiation.

I wasn’t particularly shocked.

I had already guessed that Ariana would respond like this.

Ah, I see.

So now you’re so consumed by Remia Adelian that you’ve even forgotten your own role.

I laughed softly while washing my face.

The excuse was so obvious I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Ha… Huh. How did it come to this, Ariana?

You were ordered to push my already rock-bottom life all the way to the abyss, weren’t you?

So you did it. You pushed and pushed until I was hanging on the edge.”

Torturing me.

Mocking me.

Assaulting me.

Even using drugs.

To me, who was trying to hold onto the last shred of hope in the academy.

You were the one who showed me that such things were beyond my station.

Seeing you now, acting all hypocritical, makes me feel like something inside is boiling over, ready to explode.

No, maybe it already has.

The usual Remia wouldn’t have even thought such things.

“Then don’t stop halfway. Go all the way.

Why are you acting so out of character, pretending to be righteous?”

“It’s not hypocrisy…”

“Then what is it? What should I call this?

It’s not genuine goodwill. No human could do that.”

I sneered for the first time in a long time.

To provoke her.

To make her throw the drugs at me in a fit of anger.

Yeah. The truth is, everything you see is just me desperately struggling.

I feel like I’m going to go crazy any second now, craving that medicine.

So, understand me, Ariana.

You’re the one who made me like this.

It’s because of you that I ended up this way.

I’m not asking for something difficult.

Just push me a little further, just a bit more.

Then, maybe I can make a decision too.

The final one.

Before I knew it, her sneer had turned into a bitter smile, but I didn’t stop provoking her.

I couldn’t stop.

“If you can’t save me, at least let me go mad gracefully.”

“…I’ll save you.”

“…?”

“I’ll save you. I, Ariana Wharton, will stake everything I have to save you.

So, Princess, tell me anything.

Ask for help. Say you want to live. Say you don’t want to die. Please.”

Ha.

I felt something off in my head.

What is this?

Self-loathing?

Murderous impulse?

Whatever it is, I know very well it’s not a pleasant feeling.

I started snapping almost like I was having a fit.

Before I knew it, my voice had risen, and the kids around us were staring, but I couldn’t care less right now.

Stare all you want.

What can you do? I’m already at rock bottom.

“…What can you do? Just the second daughter of a count.

No, not even as good as a long-standing baron’s family.

What, did you think you were something just because the commoners at the Academy praised you?”

The Wharton family isn’t a high-ranking family to begin with.

They’re just trying to cover up their lowly origins by climbing the social ladder.

You talk as if you’re completely separate from Adelian, but in reality, they’re the ones who suffered the most from our downfall.

Aren’t you twisting yourself to gain the trust of a new host now?

A young lady who should be learning etiquette at the mansion is rolling around as a torture technician at the Academy.

“How much value does everything Ariana Wharton has really hold?

You’re just a torture technician, a parasite who can’t survive without clinging to a big shot.

Isn’t it because Adelian fell that you’re rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty looking for a new host?”

And yet.

You tell me to ask for help?

You’re determined to make me kill myself.

Should I whisper thank you for this?

Or should I scream that it’s cruel?

Are you trying to give me false hope with your hypocrisy?

That’s the worst, Ariana.

I’ve already trusted too much and been betrayed too much.

I’ve become a lunatic who nitpicks even the flaws of ordinary good people.

I never asked for help to begin with.

I just wanted indifference from the start.

I just wanted no one to see me.

I just wanted a quiet end after such a noisy life.

It’s because of you.

You made me like this.

So take responsibility, please.

Why are you doing this now?

“Tell me. How are you going to save me?

Are you going to go to the organization and say you’ll be captured instead of me?

Are you going to grab my bleeding arm and stay locked in a coffin for years?

Are you going to live eating moldy bread and pig feed, not even treated as a human, let alone a noble?

Like livestock. Like a doll. Like a slave.”

Like me.

I stepped closer, one step at a time, and finally whispered in her ear.

Gradually letting out the sticky emotions in my voice.

Returning to her exactly what she had done to me.

Slap-

With a sharp sound, my left cheek burned.

My head had already turned to the side.

“…Ahaha.”

Ariana had her hand raised, almost like she was about to cry.

She hit me.

It wasn’t as strong as before, but she still hit me.

I wonder how long it’s been.

It felt like a long-buried emotion had slightly surfaced.

“Yeah. This is Ariana Wharton.

Much better than your fake good girl act.”

An eerie silence had fallen over the class.

Everyone’s eyes were on us.

It’s not that big of a deal, but it’s still burdensome.

“Ariana.”

Even though I usually hated the stares, I could bear them now.

Maybe because I won against her for the first time.

I don’t know if you can call this winning, but whatever.

“Give me the medicine.”

Just give me the medicine, Ariana.

If you really care about me, that’s the best thing you can do.

I closed my eyes gently and smiled.

Hoping my feelings would get through to her.