Chapter 21

After that, I don’t really remember what happened.

I just felt so good that I thought I could die happy right then and there.

My body, which had been aching like it was about to break, felt so light that it seemed like it would float into the air with every step.

My mind, which had always been hazy, felt like it had returned to reality, becoming clear.

A pleasure incomparable to anything like sex washed over me.

The Ariana in front of me, who had given me this sensation, looked so lovable.

I wanted to overlap our bodies, dig deep, and become one from the deepest parts.

So, I pounced.

I pounced, took off her clothes, and exposed her secret places.

Sharing warmth, feeling the touch of our skin brushing against each other, and hearing the moans exchanged between us, I added an orgasm to the drug-induced pleasure.

After sucking and licking for a while, I opened my eyes and saw Ariana, fully clothed.

I hugged her like that, knocked her to the floor, and rubbed my face against her neck as a gesture of affection.

After rolling around like that for a while, I opened my eyes and saw Ariana sitting there, perfectly fine.

Next, I started from her forehead, licking her skin from head to toe, and ended with a kiss.

As we tasted and smelled each other, I saw Ariana hugging me, perfectly fine.

I couldn’t tell where the delusion ended and reality began.

Even the sensation of delusion and reality chaotically crossing over felt enjoyable.

“…Feeling good?”

Ariana, who seemed a lifetime away, asked softly.

At that moment, I could answer without a second thought.

It feels so good.

I’m crazy. It’s thrilling. I’m happy.

It’s like someone is scratching every single nerve in my brain with their nails.

The depression, despair, and all those dark emotions I’ve felt until now—

I feel like I’ll never feel them again as long as I take the drugs.

When I think about it, the reason I couldn’t die and kept living was because I had nothing to rely on.

Ah, but now I do.

I have something to rely on now.

I just need to take the drugs.

As long as I take the drugs, I can do anything.

My brain gets numb, and every emotion I feel turns into pleasure.

Even dying doesn’t feel scary anymore.

Then, even survival instincts stop functioning.

There’s no mind left to stop my body.

Not even the princess can stop me now.

Hooray.

“Ah, hahahaha! Hehehe….”

“This side seems to work better for you.”

“Yeah… that feels so good.

Do it more, a little more, more, more──”

“Don’t rush it.

I’m doing it carefully, thinking it through and controlling it… so just wait.”

Come to think of it, they say that even at the moment of death, some drug-like substance is released. Endorphins or something.

They say it’s incomparably stronger than regular drugs.

I wonder how good that would feel.

I can’t even imagine it being better than this with my pathetic brain.

Ah, what should I do?

I’m starting to look forward to the moment of my death.

“Heh, hehehehe….”

I must really be crazy.

My life is completely messed up.

Well, it was already ruined, so maybe this is for the best.

Either way, it’s better than staying stagnant, right?

Yeah, it’s an improvement.

If it were like usual, I’d just be stuck thinking the same thoughts over and over.

I’d be telling myself I can’t do anything no matter what I try.

This is a thousand times better.

Ah, I want to stay drunk forever.

I knew that drugs make you feel good, but this easily surpassed my expectations.

In terms of pure pleasure, it far exceeded the hallucinogens I took last time.

“That’s because we’re mixing various types.

Did you think I spent days researching for nothing?

To create the best experience, this kind of technique is necessary.”

“Ah, I see──”

“Yes, hehe.”

Just as I thought that, Ariana’s response came.

Is she reading my mind, or is this conversation also part of my delusion? Or am I just saying what I’m thinking out loud?

I hope it’s not the last one.

I don’t want to look even crazier than I already do.

If you call a crazy person crazy, it hurts their feelings.

Really.

Really.

I gave Ariana a deep smile and surrendered myself to the whirlpool shaking my mind.

The whirlpool spun counterclockwise, grinding my brain like a blender.

Surrendering to that blender meant accepting that the thoughts bouncing off the blades would spill out of my mouth.

I hate you.

I’ve hated you since the moment we met.

So, was that it?

I like you.

I’ve liked you since the moment I first saw your face.

That’s a bit unexpected.

I wanted to be friends with you.

I wanted to put aside things like family status and just be friends.

Like I did with Hans.

What a coincidence. I thought similarly.

But it was impossible.

A princess like me couldn’t possibly make a normal friend.

Hans was just an exception.

Is that what you think?

Yeah, we ruined everything and then parted ways.

In the end, we had the worst possible encounter.

It was the worst, wasn’t it?

Yeah. At the academy.

We ended up in a master-dog relationship.

Master and dog… that wasn’t what I intended.

But there’s no other way to describe it.

No, maybe that’s a bit lacking.

Because with you, I completely lost all hope in life.

…What?

Yeah. I think I wouldn’t mind dying now.

Whether it’s the princess or ‘you,’ I’ve let go of everything.

Now, I’m just living because I’m alive.

Wait a minute. What do you mean?

Huh.

You, of all people.

That’s how you react?

That’s hypocrisy, isn’t it?

No, there are plenty of other solutions left!

Why are you already thinking about death?

It’s not like I did anything that extreme.

Nonsense.

Don’t do it.

Because of you.

How much I…

I did it, but…

From the start…

If I hadn’t let go…

I would’ve…

Killed myself…

Hans…

From that time…

The Princess…

Was already…

After that…

The organization…

It hurt, but…

You…

…No. I didn’t know.

I didn’t do anything.

Wait a second. What are you talking about?

Can you explain in more detail?

[[[[“”””Ahhh#$%ah&*&%ah──── Really? Ah!*()#ah────””}}}}

Ah.

Shi-

t.

Feeling…

Good…

But…

Damn.

It.

Ah.

-.

***

“…Ah, huu.”

I opened my eyes, holding my head.

A terrible headache was ringing in my skull.

If I stayed still, it felt like my eyeballs would pop out.

After the headache came nausea, as if I was about to throw up everything inside.

It felt oddly familiar, and when I tried to recall, it was similar to a hangover.

Though the intensity was incomparable.

…I didn’t want to remember reality this way.

“Are you awake? Here, water.”

I heard Ariana’s voice from right beside me and only managed to regain my senses after drinking the water she handed me.

I realized Ariana was there, but with the lights off, I couldn’t tell where I was.

Hiding my trembling anxiety, I cautiously asked,

“…Where am I?”

“Where else? My room.”

As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could vaguely see my surroundings.

I was lying next to Ariana on her bed.

Both of us were only in our underwear.

Wait.

What did we do?

As I realized my current state, memories of what happened before I passed out started to surface.

Ah, right.

I did drugs.

It felt amazing.

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

Ah.

The memory of feeling good is overshadowing the details.

I think I did something with Ariana, maybe had a conversation, but my thoughts keep drifting back to wanting to feel that pleasure again.

Is this what addiction is like?

It really doesn’t take long to turn someone into a wreck.

I’m already craving more, so it probably won’t take long for me to hit rock bottom.

Sorry, Princess.

Since I got involved, your body’s been through all sorts of bad stuff.

I’m almost looking forward to what’s next.

Maybe I’ll get raped this time.

Ah, that might be fun too.

Should I warm myself up by teasing down there? Hahaha.

As I was sorting through my chaotic thoughts, Ariana, who had been watching me with calm eyes, spoke up.

“You can go back, or you can stay and sleep here.

It might be better to sleep here.

It’s late, and if the guards catch you, you’ll get penalized.”

“Really, I can go back?”

“Yes. It doesn’t matter. You’ve done everything you needed to do.

From now on, the Princess will come to you on her own.”

That’s true.

Once you’ve touched it, you can’t go back to not knowing how it feels.

It really hits me how my life has hit rock bottom, but strangely, I don’t feel too bad about it.

Maybe because it doesn’t hurt right now.

But I know the pain is coming.

I should be scared thinking about the withdrawal symptoms and the pain I’ll have to endure, but my mind is so up and down that it feels like my emotional control is broken.

I’m crazy.

I was crazy, but now I’m even crazier.

The Princess’s life is just a continuous process of going insane.

Honestly, the further I go, the more fun it feels.

They say tragedy is comedy from a distance.

Maybe losing touch with reality isn’t so bad after all.

I let out a small laugh and turned to lie on my back, looking at the ceiling.

“Then I’ll sleep here. Thanks.”

“…You don’t have to thank me.

It’s what I should do.”

I was about to close my eyes, but Ariana’s gaze bothered me.

She’s been saying meaningful things, and her eyes seem to hold some emotion.

I must have said something under the influence.

I had too many things bottled up inside, so I have no idea what I said.

…I don’t know.

Does it even matter?

It’s too late for you to care about me now.

We crossed that river a long time ago.

You knew everything but chose to close your eyes.

You wore a mask pretending not to know.

We were already too late the moment we met again.

Thinking that, I closed my eyes.

Fatigue had built up in my body, and sleep quickly took over.

That night, I dreamed of my childhood again.

As always, Hans, Raymond, and Kristina were there, but there was also an unfamiliar face.

I didn’t recognize who it was.

And honestly, I didn’t want to.

---