Chapter 18

After finishing a bowl of porridge, I finally felt some energy returning to my body.

Of course, it wasn’t like I was on the verge of death before, so it wasn’t some extreme surge of vitality or anything.

Still, there was a noticeable difference between having an empty stomach and having something in it.

I put down my spoon and turned my gaze to Sena.

I should properly thank her.

After all, I’m a good doll.

Besides, she’s practically my lifesaver.

Whether I wanted it or not, I’m not even sure myself, so it’s better to just move on.

Realizing how two-faced I am is already a big enough revelation.

I shook my head as if to clear my thoughts.

Enough with the weird thoughts, just say thank you.

“Thanks for the meal. I appreciate it.”

Sena, who had been looking at me with pity, seemed slightly surprised by my words.

Guess she didn’t expect me to thank her.

I wonder what my public image is like.

Anyway, her surprised expression soon turned into one of relief.

Yeah, relief is way better than pity.

“…I’m glad.

Please come to me anytime you want to eat.

No matter how much it costs, it’s fine.”

“What if I don’t come?”

“Then I’ll come to you.

Until I make sure you’re eating properly.”

“I see. So I don’t really have a choice, huh.”

She’s basically saying she’ll force-feed me.

From the start, she never intended to let me decide, so why is she being so vague about it?

If she doesn’t want to come off as too forceful, she should know that this kind of thing just makes her seem hypocritical.

Maybe sensing the dissatisfaction in my tone, Sena quickly added an explanation.

“…Please don’t take it the wrong way. I’m just genuinely—”

“I know. You’re doing it out of goodwill, right?”

If it’s not goodwill, how else would you explain her actions?

She’s just spending her own money to feed a poor kid around her.

Yeah, a poor kid.

A sickly, pitiful, anxious kid who seems like she can’t be left alone.

Out of sympathy.

Out of pity.

Because she doesn’t want me to die.

What a saint.

I’m not being sarcastic, I genuinely think that.

I mean, most people would just ignore someone like me.

Or, like the trash around me, they’d even bully me.

Objectively speaking, she’s a good person.

Just a bit self-righteous, that’s all.

Enough to deeply wound the pride of a crumbling noble girl.

“Alright. I’ll rely on you for meals from now on.

Is it okay if I head out now?”

I watched Sena’s expression twist slightly before standing up.

I was worried my legs wouldn’t move, but it seemed some strength had returned, and I managed to stand, albeit a bit unsteadily.

Anyway, I didn’t feel like arguing with her.

If that’s what she wants, I’ll just go along with it.

My pride? It’s been shattered for a long time anyway, so what’s the point of holding onto it?

If it’s for the sake of maintaining a friendly relationship with Sena, who’s being so kind, I can shave off my noble pride a few more times.

Physically or mentally.

“Well then, see you. Until next time.”

“…Yes. See you next time, for sure.”

Sena, who seemed to be deep in thought while looking at me, reluctantly returned my farewell.

I gave her a nod and turned away.

I walked out of the dining hall at a pace that was neither fast nor slow.

I could still feel her gaze, but thankfully, it wasn’t as blatant as it was in the dining hall.

I managed to return to my room without any issues.

Compared to when I left, my physical condition was much better.

It’s surprising how much just one meal can improve things.

Feels like one slip-up ruined a week’s worth of effort.

Now, even if it’s against my will, starving to death is off the table.

Looking at myself, who seemed to express a strange sense of regret, I couldn’t help but laugh.

First, I missed being bullied and the wounds that could be reopened at any time, and now I even miss the hunger that couldn’t be satisfied.

I must’ve really gone crazy.

Yeah, I’m definitely crazy.

From the moment you entered, it’s no different from developing dissociative identity disorder.

You know, the one commonly called split personality.

Even before you came, I was already pathologically bad at relationships.

I didn’t know, but maybe there was some mental illness lurking.

I know well enough that I’ve gone crazy in that sense, but what I’m talking about now is different.

Unlike back then, when I could clearly distinguish between you and me and had no intention of escaping through death, now everything’s so mixed up I can’t even tell whose thoughts these are.

So.

Whose thoughts are these right now?

I don’t know.

It could just be me talking to myself in my head, or maybe my mind really has split in two.

Which one do you want?

Both are crazy, so what’s there to want?

I see.

Yeah, that’s how it is.

Even as I tossed and turned in bed, the internal dialogue in my head continued endlessly.

My body was exhausted, but my mind was racing in chaos, making it impossible to sleep.

Now that my body’s getting better, it’s my mind’s turn, huh.

Yeah, if I’m going to go crazy, I might as well go all the way.

Being in between is the worst.

Once you cross the line, it actually becomes easier.

I forced a smile even as cold sweat dripped down my face.

That night, I ended up tossing and turning without sleep.

***

After twisting and turning all night, my mind finally quieted down by morning.

I didn’t miss the chance and got ready to head to school.

Honestly, going to school feels like the better option right now.

It seems like it.

The gazes of the people around will suppress the princess who keeps trying to stand out without even knowing the subject.

As always.

Thinking that, I left my room a few dozen minutes earlier than usual.

Even though I was trembling under everyone’s gaze in the crowded hallway, I felt the effect.

It wasn’t a wrong judgment after all, I reassured myself as I entered the classroom.

That’s when I felt the ominous vibe.

“…?”

The atmosphere of Ariana’s gang, which had been quiet for the past few days, was different.

It felt even more hostile than usual.

It was like something was about to burst after being suppressed.

In the meantime, Ariana was nowhere to be seen.

This is a situation where there’s no owner to control, only a mad dog with its leash off.

Ah, I’m really going to suffer today.

I had that intuition in an instant.

My ominous intuition, which has never been wrong, scored another win today.

As soon as the morning assembly ended, a big male student approached me.

Even with a cigarette in his mouth, looking like he was trying to suppress his irritation.

It was ‘Zhang,’ the student who seemed like the leader of the commoners last time.

I heard he’s a martial arts prodigy and his family is as wealthy as nobles, but I don’t know why he’s so hostile to me.

Did Adelian do something to make enemies?

Even if that’s the case, it has nothing to do with me.

What era is this, collective punishment?

Ah, right.

This is a different world.

A world where entire families are often destroyed.

Then there’s no choice.

It’s my fault.

I’m sorry.

I was wrong.

Everything from start to finish is my fault.

I don’t know what crime Adelian, who’s already ruined, committed against Zhang’s still thriving family, but anyway, it’s all my fault.

Ah, but there’s one thing you should praise me for.

I’m the one who sent Hans off like an idiot, ruining Adelian.

You don’t like nobles, right?

Then isn’t the one who brought down a ducal family your ally?

Are you crazy?

Zhang didn’t say anything.

Ah, was that you?

Yeah. Crazy bitch.

I forcibly pushed back the princess who was naturally leaking out and grabbed my head.

Please, just stop.

I’m already scared to death as your expression gets increasingly hostile.

“The more I think about it, the angrier I get.”

After quietly smoking, Zhang’s voice, thick and growling, came out as if he had reached his limit.

“We were the ones who started this.

Why do we have to be controlled by that bitch?”

I lowered my eyes at the earlier words, but at that moment, I almost nodded.

Yeah, why are you being controlled?

Ariana is also a noble, don’t you have any feelings towards her?

It’s really disgusting how you cower in front of her but act all high and mighty when she’s not around.

If you’re going to submit, submit completely. If you’re going to resist, resist completely.

Neither here nor there, like a bat.

While continuing my scathing thoughts, I kept my mouth shut.

Yeah, if you’re going to do it, submit completely.

Like this… you’re even more disgusting. I know, shut up.

Even while maintaining a blank expression, Zhang seemed to be bothered by that.

His face turned red and his voice gradually rose.

“What’s this about not hurting her? Torture? Is that lukewarm thing even torture?

People need to leave unforgettable scars to reflect and suffer for the rest of their lives.

Just momentary stimulation, that, nothing, works!”

“……Ah. Ugh, hkkheuuuu───!!?”

Just as his emotions were reaching their peak, lightly, poke.

Zhang pressed the lit cigarette onto the back of my hand without even putting it out.

The sizzling sound came from a disturbingly close distance.

An intense burning sensation rose in the center of my hand.

The feeling of my skin burning and the cigarette butt digging in was vividly felt before fading away.

I desperately tried to suppress the scream that was about to come out.

It seemed like drawing attention here wouldn’t do any good.

My mind kept going blank.

It shouldn’t be as bad as the pain I felt before, but it seems I’ve weakened again after a few days.

Zhang looked at me and curled the corner of his eye.

It was a familiar smile, a sneer.

“Ah, right. The education worked, didn’t it? Princess.

It’s quite admirable how you endure the screams even in this situation.”

He bent down, put his hand on my head, and patted it.

The way he treated me like a toy was disgusting.

It felt like watching a cockroach that kept bothering me.

I hated him.

Disgusting.

Filthy.

The worst.

That’s for sure.

But still.

“Since that bitch is also coming late today.

Let’s enjoy the morning thoroughly. Got it?”

Hearing that made my depression fade away.

Ahaha.