Chapter 15

Even after several days had passed, Ariana’s group didn’t make a move at all.

From what I heard occasionally, it seemed Ariana had outright banned any approach toward me.

Yet, whenever she saw me during class or in passing, her gaze was always filled with a sticky, emotional mess.

If that’s the case, why did she block it?

Is there someone behind her or something?

Anyway, it meant I had some precious time on my hands.

For the first time since enrolling in the Academy, I had time to myself without any contact with anyone.

Sena never came back after that day, and Maid Ai would just give a light greeting whenever we crossed paths before parting ways.

No hostility, no goodwill—nothing reached me.

Even if I felt something, it was only in the form of distant glances, nothing more.

So, naturally, I should’ve been enjoying a comfortable daily life.

“…I’m depressed.”

I sprawled on my bed like a corpse, drowning in gloom.

There wasn’t any particular reason for it.

It was just that the fear of Ariana had been barely keeping my depression and helplessness at bay, and now, with her absence, it all came flooding in.

The immediate physical pain was gone, but that didn’t mean my situation had improved.

And weirdly, I felt strangely empty.

As unlikely as it sounds, maybe Ariana’s absence was the reason.

After enduring Ariana’s torture, I’d often feel an oddly intense surge of energy.

Maybe it was because of the flood of emotions I didn’t usually experience—fear, despair, the relief of it being over.

Or maybe it was because it gave me a sense of existing as “myself” while being constantly entangled with the princess.

Either way, I think it was because of adrenaline or dopamine or something being released in my brain.

Thanks to that strange energy, I could keep going despite being tormented by her.

Looking back now, it seems I was relying on that energy more than I thought in my daily life.

Though I’m not sure if you can even call that kind of thing “energy.”

*Gurgle*

Maybe I’m just feeling weak because I’m hungry.

My stomach’s empty.

It’s been over a week since I last ate, so even getting out of bed was a chore.

For the first few days, my stomach growled so loudly it felt like it was twisting itself, but now it’s so weak it only makes cute little sounds.

Why didn’t I eat in the first place?

There’s no one stopping me from going to the cafeteria now.

I tried to think of a reason, but nothing came to mind.

In one word, it was just “because.”

There wasn’t any particular reason for this either.

I just didn’t feel like eating.

It was bothersome, I had no appetite, and I didn’t see the point in eating.

Ironically, now that I finally have the time I wanted, I don’t feel like doing anything.

It’s unlikely, but even if a year passed like this with nothing happening, all I’d be waiting for is death.

I’m still suffering from severe nostalgia, but I gave up on the hopeful prediction that death would trigger my return home a long time ago.

No matter how you dress it up, death is death.

Rest, peace, tranquility, and then oblivion.

I knew that from the beginning, but when I was drowning in hostility, I couldn’t even accept such a simple answer.

As I grew more depressed, my mind naturally calmed down.

And as my mind calmed down, the tangled thoughts that had been swirling chaotically began to sort themselves out.

Once I even sorted out the thoughts that had been sustaining me until now, I became even more depressed.

It’s a vicious cycle. Really.

I must have considered escaping to death because I didn’t want to suffer.

But even death was just a means to prolong life.

If it gets too hard to endure here, if it gets too painful, I can always run away.

I have a way to return to reality.

I was just indulging in self-satisfaction with thoughts like that.

I only realized it now, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

If I’ve been living with the sole thought of not wanting to suffer, what should I do now that I’m not suffering?

Maybe it’s better to just die.

“…No.”

I muttered and shook my head.

It’s not that I don’t want to—I can’t.

Even after all this, the princess still fears death.

At the point where everything that constituted her life was taken away, the princess experienced losing life itself through “me.”

Even while hating life, she couldn’t help but cling to it more than anything.

Even as I stewed in depression, that thought remained unchanged.

I know death means peace, but it’s just too terrifying.

The thought of my existence scattering like dust is too frightening.

Every time I try to kill myself, my hand always stops just before.

So what should I do?

If I can’t even die like this…

*Scratch*

“Ugh…”

The searing pain that had repeated countless times over the past few days rose again.

Without realizing it, I was picking at the wound on my forehead.

The wound, which should have healed by now, kept getting reopened, repeating the cycle of shallow healing and tearing.

Dark red blood trickled down the side of my head, soaking the blanket.

The sight of flesh wedged between the nails was quite disgusting.

Why does this keep happening?

If this continues, it’s obvious things will get worse.

Of course, I knew it was right to stop.

But ever since Maid Ai left that day, picking at my wounds has become a tool for me to sort out my emotions.

The effect is so quick that I can’t let it go.

After the sharp pain comes, my mind clears up immediately.

It’s not as intense as being tortured, but maybe it’s because I did it to myself that I feel a strange sense of betrayal.

Hmm.

Maybe I should get a knife.

I thought I couldn’t do it back then, but now it seems like it wouldn’t matter.

A dull blade would hurt more. Enough.

“Stop it… Please, just take it easy!”

Please. Just stop.

Don’t torment me, the princess, anymore.

I hate pain.

This is a premise that won’t change no matter how much time passes.

And it shouldn’t change.

If I start allowing it bit by bit, I’ll end up going all the way in the blink of an eye.

I pressed down on my bleeding forehead.

That’s enough. Let’s stop thinking about it.

Lying still, my thoughts often drifted in this direction.

Getting lost in depression, fantasizing to dangerous levels, then suddenly snapping out of it and clutching my head.

That was my daily life without Ariana.

I sat up in bed.

Just standing on two legs made them tremble, and I felt extremely dizzy.

But I had to move to distract myself.

Let’s go to the store.

I can’t let it happen again like last time when there was nothing to offer.

Whether it’s snacks or tea, I need to stock up.

Maintaining dignity brings everything else along.

This fact has never betrayed the princess, or me, so far.

Even though the blood on my forehead hasn’t stopped and I haven’t wiped the blood from my hands and hair, I stepped forward.

Moving my trembling legs, I staggered and turned the doorknob.

The light from the hallway seeped into the dark room.

This is my first outing aside from going to school.

Since it’s the weekend, I hope no one’s around.

***

My futile expectations were shattered in an instant.

In fact, it seemed like there were more people around than on weekdays.

Most of the students who usually gathered in classrooms were playing in the hallway.

As eyes turned to me, I began to regret impulsively going out.

But turning back now would just be an extension of what just happened.

I lowered my head and kept moving.

Fortunately, or perhaps not, I soon became too exhausted to care about the stares.

My stamina, which was never great to begin with, had hit rock bottom due to various recent factors.

I wasn’t even running, but I was out of breath.

My stomach felt empty, twisted, and nauseous.

Just a few days ago, I could move around somewhat, but now even a few minutes of walking made my body tremble as if I were about to collapse.

I’m starting to understand what the sensation of starvation feels like.

By the time I reached the store, I was on the verge of passing out.

I don’t even want to imagine what I look like right now.

I must look like a mess that would make anyone frown.

I forced myself to gather my thoughts and turned my gaze inside the store.

The Academy’s shopping area, too grand to be called just a store, was adorned with marble, showcasing its splendor.

Fortunately, the tea and snacks I needed could be found in the outer area.

I took out a pouch of silver coins from the pocket of my uniform.

It was the living allowance given by the organization.

It wasn’t a large amount, but since I had been eating minimally, it hadn’t changed much from the beginning.

It’s practically my life support fund.

And here I am, dragging my half-dead body here to buy tea and snacks with it.

Even I find it ridiculous, so I let out a laugh as I took out a few coins from the pouch and clenched them in my hand.

Just as I was about to look at the display, a familiar voice reached me.

“Princess? Why are you here… Blood?”

“…Sena.”

A black-haired girl with wide eyes, surprised to see me here, then stiffened upon seeing my condition.

Is someone conspiring to torment me?

How do we always meet at times like this?