Chapter 9

The healing magic finally ended after a long time.

Unlike the rough, forced pain I had experienced from the organization, there was no such discomfort.

It was proof of how much effort she, Sena, had put into the treatment.

Still, I couldn’t help but glare at her with bloodshot eyes.

Her last remark had really struck a nerve.

“The external wounds are healed, but the rest remains the same.

I’ll prepare some medicine, so please lie down for now.”

“Get out.”

“Princess.”

“Get out. Now.”

Talking nicely doesn’t seem to work.

This is why I hate being a princess.

I can’t even swear freely, so my options for pushing people away are severely limited.

As soon as Sena finished healing and moved away from me, I shifted to the far corner of the bed to create distance between us.

Even I know it’s a cowardly, small-animal-like move, but what else can I do?

I have no physical means to push her away, so I can only retreat.

Even while curled up, my eyes remained fixed on her.

It was the closest thing to hostility I’d shown since coming to the Academy.

Sena faced it head-on, but instead of being flustered, she looked at me with pity.

Those eyes. I couldn’t stand those eyes.

“Thank you for worrying about me.

I’ll repay you for using your magic.

But I never once asked you to do this for me.”

Yeah, Sena Blomberg is human. So what?

Just because she’s human and her actions come from goodwill, does that mean she can ignore the other person’s wishes and do as she pleases?

I clearly refused.

I expressed my opinion multiple times.

Now even people won’t listen to me. What more can I do?

“You don’t have to thank me or repay me.

Can’t you just accept it as a blind act of kindness?”

I know. Of course, I know.

No matter what I say now, it’s just the stubborn pride of a princess with an overinflated ego.

No one would dislike receiving free healing magic on the street.

In fact, they’d be grateful for the generosity.

After all, even the Academy’s health room charges money.

But I—

The princess—can’t endure it.

For the princess, pride isn’t just about boosting herself up anymore.

It’s the last line that defines her as a human.

If it crumbles, she dies as a human.

She becomes no different from a corpse—

No, worse than a corpse that can’t even function as a human but still requires life to sustain itself.

So I glared at her with dead eyes.

So that when she looked at me, pity wouldn’t be the first thing she felt.

I’d rather be hated.

“Ah, that one-sided goodwill and kindness, right?

Yeah, I know. If I don’t appreciate unsolicited kindness, I’m the unreasonable one. I get it.

I’ve seen plenty of people who only care about their own satisfaction, who think they’re good people just because they’re kind, without ever considering how the other person feels.”

“Huh? No, that’s a misunderstanding. I didn’t think that way…”

“Of course not. I know Sena isn’t that kind of person.

But I want you to keep this in mind.

If the other person doesn’t accept your goodwill, it’s not a kind act.

Sorry for lecturing you. I’m just a troublesome person.”

“…Princess. Your skin, bones, organs—none of them were intact.

If I’d left you like that, it could’ve gotten irreparable.”

When she argued back like that, it seemed she felt wronged.

And she should. She probably acted out of genuine concern.

But does she know how that concern is eating away at me?

That my insides are already hollowed out, leaving only a shell?

That the pity people like her shove into me pushes my heart aside and nests deep in my mind like a parasite?

Of course, she doesn’t know.

She doesn’t need to.

“Then let me die.

That’s my choice.”

“What…!”

That’s why I don’t scream selfishly, asking why she can’t understand me.

But this much is fine, right?

I’ve always been this kind of person, after all.

A being with nothing but a life, whose only choice is to throw that life away—something between a corpse and a doll.

“Why are you doing this?

Are you saying I can’t even choose what to do with my own life now?

Then I’ll have nothing left.”

In fact, even that choice was only regained after I entered the Academy.

Before that, even the right to live or die was in the hands of my owner. I was just a doll.

At least I’ve risen from being less than a corpse.

Thinking about it, maybe I’m incredibly happy now.

I’ve realized how much of a blessing it is to be able to choose my own end.

So it’s not wrong for me to express anger at Sena for denying my right.

My feelings are justified.

Right? Don’t you think so too, Princess?

“And yet, you—”

I felt the emotions I’d been suppressing slowly rising up the back of my neck.

Something intense and sticky, held back for so long.

If I let it go, I felt like I’d vomit up everything I’d been holding inside.

“Ha.”

But the moment I saw Sena’s expression, it all cooled down.

Confusion, fear, curiosity, a bit of irritation. And pity.

Pity. Pity. Pity. Pity. Pity.

…That’s enough.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

No matter how sincerely I speak,

in the end, to her, I’m just one of the pitiful ones.

Thinking about it, it’s not even wrong.

“…I’m sorry. I went too far.”

“Ah, no. It’s my fault. I should’ve asked for your permission first, Princess…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Sena, your actions were admirable. It’s just that the recipient of your kindness acted ungrateful.

How shameless of me. I couldn’t even say thank you… right?”

“……Ah.”

“Still, it’s good I realized before being any more rude.

I’m sorry, Sena Blomberg.”

“N-no. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

Sena’s face trembled pitifully as she accepted my apology.

She seemed to feel like she’d made a huge mistake.

But she didn’t.

I’m the one who’s wrong.

I truly believe that.

How could a corpse like me lie to a human?

I quietly watched her.

It was a silent promise not to add anything more.

It was also a sign of obedience, showing that I wouldn’t resist.

Look at me.

I’m such a well-behaved doll.

What do you think?

I look pretty, don’t I?

I don’t know how Sena took my gaze, but she seemed quite uncomfortable.

“…Sorry. I’ll take my leave now.”

After fidgeting for a while, she finally bowed her head deeply and stood up.

She didn’t budge when I told her to leave earlier.

Is there some kind of curse that makes everything I say backfire?

I laughed at the silly thought.

If that were the case, it would actually be easier.

Just say the opposite of what I mean.

Sure, I’d be a liar, but life would be much simpler.

The princess might have insisted on the truth even in such a situation, maintaining her dignity.

It was so believable that it made me laugh even more.

“Thank you. Let’s meet again.”

I naturally smiled and didn’t miss the chance to greet her kindly.

Lately, forcing a smile has been hard.

As the princess becomes more of a liar, maybe I’m becoming more honest.

Anyway, Sena looked at me with a troubled expression, then finally bowed her head and left my room.

I listened quietly to the sound of her footsteps fading away, then slumped onto the bed.

For some reason, I felt at ease.

A strange feeling, like I had let something go or something had clicked into place.

The healing magic probably helped my body feel better too.

I closed my eyes, feeling like I could have a good dream now.

Even though I had just been asleep for a while, sleep came quickly.

It’s better to enjoy this while it lasts.

By tomorrow, this comfortable state will be gone.

I’ll go back to the classroom, endure the same things, and return battered and bruised.

As a fragile doll, I’ll surely be groaning in pain again.

Honestly, it would be easier to just stay in pain.

Going from not being in pain to being in pain is much harder.

While I felt satisfied with Sena’s magic, I also knew the lack that would follow, so I muttered complaints before surrendering to sleep.

That night, I dreamed of Hans.

It seems Sena’s mention of him made him start to resurface in my mind.

I’m not sure if it’s a good dream.

But since it’s a memory of better times, maybe it is.

***

Day after day.

Time keeps passing.

Really, without any emotion, without anything special, without anything painful.

Just getting hit, cut, stabbed, and crying, over and over.

I surrendered to the monotonous flow of the world, the daily routine, the stream of delusions.

Four days.

A week.

Half a month.

Even as time flew by, Ariana prepared new tortures every day.

Some, like the Iron Maiden, were so extreme they were visually overwhelming, but after experiencing them, they didn’t feel much different.

It hurt, sure.

I screamed so much I couldn’t think or act.

But the pain was only the princess’s body.

As the pain repeated, my reactions naturally dulled, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Anyway, they didn’t kill me, and after tormenting me in every way, they returned me to my original state.

In the end.

Gradually, I found myself growing accustomed to the act of “torture.”

In the process, I might have thought:

“Maybe it’s not as bad as I thought.”

If it’s just physical pain repeating every day, I can somehow accept it emotionlessly.

Sure, right after being tortured, I’d cry and scream, begging the princess to let me die, but that’s just a fleeting moment, so it doesn’t really stick.

When it’s time to sleep, I return to myself, relieved that I survived another day.

It’s painful, but because it’s so painful, I have no time to reflect on myself or complain about life.

In fact, I can even be grateful for the pure continuation of daily life.

It’s a kind of dependency, and probably the worst example of feeling alive.

But what can I do?

Right now, this is the only stimulus that wakes me up in this monotonous existence.

All I can do is adapt as much as possible.

“This much is fine, isn’t it?”

I don’t wish to get better, or to go back to the past, or for someone to die.

I don’t make such extravagant wishes anymore.

If the pain is going to continue anyway, I just hope it stays familiar.

What do you think?

Isn’t this much okay?

Even if it’s just the wish of a mere corpse doll, isn’t this much acceptable?

I just hope no more people appear.

Those with goodwill.

Those with malice.

Those I know.

Those filled with hatred.

Isn’t that okay?

I just hope the pain doesn’t increase.

Continuous.

Momentary.

Physical.

Mental.

Isn’t that okay?

I just hope no more incidents happen.

Those that bring change.

Those that bring pain.

Those that bring salvation.

Those that bring death.

Isn’t that okay?

I’ve already suffered enough, and I’ve resigned myself to continuing to suffer.

Isn’t it okay to wish for just maintaining the status quo?

Is it too much?

“Are you planning to crush even this small wish?”

How like you.

You’re probably laughing at me right now.

How does it feel? Seeing the corpse doll you made.

Is it pretty?

Is it fun?

Or does it turn you on?

If not, I just can’t understand.

Why choose this corpse?

Why choose the princess doll?

Why combine the two to make a corpse doll?

What are you looking at right now?