Chapter 42

“What if, I mean, only if.”

Ria cautiously opened her mouth.

“Even if your life is truly in danger, you wouldn’t consider using that Saint Power?”

“…….”

I sank into thought.

To be honest, I wasn’t completely sure. It’s not like I had ever faced a life-threatening situation like that… at least, I probably hadn’t.

Hadn’t I?

According to ‘my memories,’ in my previous life, I seemed to have possessed some sponsorship for a writer and then got trapped in that novel… but who knows?

Now that I think about it, I’m not so sure.

Novels only exist on the surface. No matter how intricately the author sets it up, it’s impossible to create a detailed setting for everything that happens in the world, right?

Extras who never had their names mentioned in the story are each the protagonists of their own tales in reality. They love, they get heartbroken, they live through joys and sorrows.

People with lives that don’t weigh much differently from a ‘protagonist’—everyone looking different.

How did the author see me in my previous life? As just another nameless extra, perhaps?

But how did I end up as a character in this kind of novel? I thought it would be more common for someone who writes novels to wish to possess someone who reads them.

Not that I wished for it. I didn’t even know possessing someone was a possibility.

If this was truly meant to mess with me, if they really aimed to put me in the position of a Saintess—

In the years I’ve lived in this world, I’ve certainly thought about it. Why would a god with such a nasty personality think of a human life as mere plaything?

If you think about it, wouldn’t it be far more efficient to have me get possessed by an extra who gets cut down by a monster? If I were torn apart and my guts burst out in front of a Saintess, I might find the need to seek the god in that pain.

This position I’m in isn’t efficient in many ways.

Could it be that there are memories from my previous life that I can’t recall? Did the god just drop me here without having any conversation at all?

“……”

“Anna?”

“Oh, yeah. Um… what were we talking about?”

“I asked if you’d consider using your powers when it gets dangerous.”

I took a moment to gather my thoughts before speaking again.

“To be honest, I really don’t know. I guess we can’t know until that moment comes.”

“Is that so…?”

“Are you not gonna laugh at that?”

“Laugh?”

“Not long ago, I swore to myself that I would never use my powers, but now I’m saying this.”

“Why would I laugh at that?”

Ria looked at me incredulously and took a sip of water.

“It’s clearly something to be happy about that the one I need to protect is saying they’ll protect themselves.”

“Well, if you’re right beside me then I might as well just let it go and trust you.”

Thinking I was poking a little fun, Ria shrugged and smiled.

“Even if I seem this way, I’m a hero candidate, you know? Sure, it’s called a hero, but in reality, it’s just a profession, more or less, right? I take my responsibilities seriously.”

“Now, that’s impressive.”

As Ria ruffled my hair, I gave her a little tap on the head in return. Ria awkwardly pulled her head back.

Oh, this is working.

Of course, I didn’t plan to do this often. If I did it too frequently, she’d get used to it and it wouldn’t have any effect. Kind of like how I’m slowly becoming desensitized to Ria.

“An atheist only has one life, you know? If I could kneel and beg and get a second chance, I think I’d prefer that.”

“Huh? An atheist has only one life?”

“For an atheist, there’s no afterlife.”

I might not be the one to say this. I’m clearly someone living in that afterlife.

But seriously, I don’t know that god at all. It’s not like I have any status windows, and I can’t even hear any voice in response to mine.

Isn’t that strange? Do they want me to prove something?

Is it about proving the existence of god, or is there something deeper in their thoughts?

“If you don’t believe in god, then there’s no heaven or hell after death. That’s the end of this life. So, there are no second chances.”

“……”

“I do wish for an afterlife. I don’t want to die. I don’t want my thoughts to stop. You know? After becoming a staunch atheist, there were a few days I couldn’t even sleep properly. I was worried that when I woke up, I wouldn’t be me anymore.”

“When you wake up, you won’t be you anymore?”

“If a person is merely a collection of cells, then isn’t the extinguishing of a single mind akin to death? The consciousness that breaks continuity might just be another newly created electrical or chemical signal… Well, I felt that way in my childhood.”

“……”

“You’re not laughing.”

“It’s not funny.”

Ria replied sternly to my question.

“It’s not funny? People laughed at my story as if it was absurd.”

“……Fine, since you’re being honest, I’ll be honest with you too. When I first met you and you said there was no god, I thought, ‘Oh, there’s another weird one.’”

“Well, everyone thinks that way.”

“I’m just saying casually, you know. There are often those types of people. They go around saying they should kill god. I’ve seen some who claim they would grow stronger and kill god.”

“……”

“Well, that’s mostly just a middle school syndrome. It’s a side effect of realizing that the existence known as god really does exist.”

That’s certainly possible.

During the massive self, well…

Anyway, if you’re talking about killing a god in a world where that existence might not even be real, it’s especially ironic if a similar being exists in reality.

If they didn’t know their limits, then if it exists, there might also be limitations. Perhaps the inability to grant everyone the same power that one possesses is just the limit of that existence.

“Those types are usually just intoxicated by their own power. They tend to give up easily as they grow older. Most people who claimed they’d get close to god were like that. It’s usually just boastful talk without serious contemplation.”

“People all go through that phase. It’s just that the ways they express it differ.”

“Yeah. But I figured you were in that age and still thinking that way. Then you just transitioned to outright denial.”

“……It might look that way from someone who doesn’t know.”

I admitted without hesitation.

In this world, atheism is as absurd as claiming the Earth is flat.

Until an existence above them comes forward and directly states, ‘I am not a god,’ people will probably keep believing that way.

“But you’ve thought about it, right? You chose your beliefs and, despite being terrified, ultimately believed in them.”

“……”

“How can I laugh at that? Sure, there might be those who laugh at you. But I’m not one of them.”

Lee Chae-eun, as a character, was someone who at one point genuinely resented god. And perhaps even now, she holds onto that resentment.

With such immense power, why couldn’t she protect good people?

Why do such people always seem to die first?

For someone who has lost someone precious, they can’t help but think like that.

The atmosphere grew a bit heavy.

To lighten it up, I decided to share a story from my ‘middle school syndrome’ days.

“But still, it’s not just because of that that I started helping people. My childhood self was obsessed with my own thoughts because of that.”

Back in those days, when I decided to abandon the faith I couldn’t even recall anymore, I thought that way.

I thought I’d abandon all the doctrines that restrained me and just live freely.

“But?”

“Someone told me that I’d fall into hell for that.”

“……”

“They said that a person without faith is no better than a beast, and thus, whatever they do, they are soulless beings. Even if they live believing they’re good, it’s wrong. No matter how good you think you’re living, you’ll still end up wrong.”

I chuckled softly.

I sighed lightly, hugging my knees.

Well, the person who said that was probably genuinely concerned. His only son was rejecting the faith that saved him.

But without any way to persuade me, he probably felt the need to threaten me like that.

“So I thought to myself as a kid—fine then, I’ll really live righteously!”

“……”

“I’ll live so well that I’ll become a person I can hold my head high in front of anyone, and if I really meet a being called god someday—ah, of course, I think it doesn’t exist at all, but still, if it does, I’ll tell that being that the only thing I did wrong was not believing in them.”

Perhaps deep down, I really wanted to believe.

I’ve always been afraid of dying.

So much so that I wished there was even a hell.

If there truly was a god who punishes people, they would have simply chosen to extinguish my existence. That would be the most terrifying thing for me.

…It seems that the being above wasn’t that type of god, though.

At first, it was just a childish thought. Just for the sake of achieving some kind of goal, I volunteered for various activities, donated blood diligently, and did all that.

But in the end, did that even yield some results for me? I lived like that until I arrived here.

As long as someone says ‘thank you’ at least once, that’s good enough, and well, eventually, it turned into not just free volunteer work, but quite a fulfilling profession.

“……”

“Well, it’s just a trivial story. So it’s a bit awkward to talk about it in front of others.”

Um, for some reason, Ria wasn’t reacting at all, and the atmosphere just wouldn’t lighten up.

“Isn’t it funny?”

When I asked, looking toward Ria, she just stared at me silently.

“Not at all.”

That’s all Ria said.

In the end, the atmosphere didn’t lighten up at all.