It would be a lie to say I wasn’t jealous.
I didn’t know what the sexual orientations of the other two who stuck close to Sara were, but Shin So-hee was relatively clear about her own. After struggling with that for a while, she found a somewhat acceptable answer recently.
If I’m going to fantasize about everyone around me, it’d be better to focus on just one person, right?
…Yeah, I know it’s a silly conclusion.
But I couldn’t find any better way. Moreover, it was extremely useful in practice.
For example, when Shin So-hee had to change clothes during gym class.
She finds herself looking at the classmates, women, through sexual eyes, without even realizing it. There are quite a few pretty girls in her class. Naturally, some girls have bodies that stand out compared to their peers. It’d be weird if her gaze didn’t wander.
When other kids pass by in the hallway, she unwittingly stares at legs beneath skirts. She sneaks glances at pretty-faced girls or imagines improper things about girls who are unconsciously crossing their arms… If Shin So-hee were a guy, this wouldn’t happen. She wouldn’t even have had a close friend to begin with, and even if that friend were a girl, she wouldn’t just casually crossed arms or changed clothes together.
If boys her age heard such things, they might feel envious. But from the perspective of the person involved, it was an extremely uncomfortable situation.
It wasn’t merely the issue of becoming sexually aroused. The sheer fact of having such feelings for another caused a sense of guilt.
Naturally, it’s embarrassing to look at someone as a sexual object. It becomes hard to look someone straight in the eye, and the usual casual physical contact feels awkward. Because of this, as time went by, Shin So-hee found it increasingly hard to hide her sexual orientation.
But amidst all this, she met Sara.
Her face was so pretty that it would be hard to find someone comparable, and though she was quite skinny, her lines were beautiful. Including the luxurious uniform she wore… well, is there really a need for further explanation?
Moreover, that first encounter was shockingly different from the usual physical interactions she’d experienced with her same-sex friends.
Thanks to that, Sara was someone Shin So-hee could easily imagine in her fantasies, no matter who she was compared to. Plus, since they wouldn’t meet face-to-face after school, there was no reason to feel uncomfortable while fantasizing. So these days, whenever So-hee had strange thoughts about her school friends, she quickly switched her focus to Sara. It was still embarrassing to harbor lewd thoughts about her friends, but at least she could escape the guilt of having such thoughts about them.
Of course, if she considered Sara as a friend outside of school, things would change… but that was a somewhat strange statement, and in a way, it could be called self-justification. Strangely enough, she didn’t feel much guilt when imagining things with Sara.
It’s like, even without any basis, there was a feeling that Sara could date girls too.
After reading today’s article, she felt that thought even stronger. Doing things that could easily be misunderstood as “dating” meant she was, in a sense, unreserved about showing the image of being in a relationship with someone of the same sex, right?
Just looking at the two beautiful girls beside her was proof enough. If they were this close among “just good friends,” she should feel uncomfortable. Sure, they could be messing around, but if they kept acting like that, it was practically advertising, “I have this kind of interest!”
…And so, she felt jealous.
Thinking about the possibility of someone she might date being so close to another girl she could also date.
Moreover, if that girl was someone she seriously looked at with sexual feelings.
She wouldn’t exactly classify this as romantic feelings. It was just Shin So-hee indulging in her fantasies.
However, even if that were the case, it was inevitable that a nagging unease settled in her heart, making her feel weird and uncomfortable.
Well, to put it frankly, it was much deeper than mere discomfort… it was a strange feeling that words couldn’t quite express.
“So.”
Having heard everything, Shin So-hee let out a small sigh.
“So you’re saying you’re being bullied at school?”
The moment the word “bullying” slipped out, Sara’s eyes widened. After thinking for a moment, she responded.
“Yeah, right?”
“…”
Shin So-hee’s mood sank even lower. What filled the depths of that sinking feeling was something dark and sticky. It was a feeling she had never experienced before, so she couldn’t quite label it.
She chewed on that feeling for a while.
Gradually, she could remember what that feeling was.
Shin So-hee didn’t think of herself as an honest person. Ever since childhood, she loved to act cool and had pretended to be tough. She had a few followers at school and was aware of her popularity among boys. But she never displayed that personality recklessly.
She feigned being laid-back while feeling lust towards her friends and occasionally showed off boyish behavior in hopes of hearing compliments like “cool” rather than “pretty.”
Yet, no matter how much she tried to deceive herself, it was impossible to hide her true feelings. Even if she worried about her identity and didn’t know what to do, denying the clear feelings that came to the forefront was impossible.
It could be called a type of possessiveness.
It surprised her to realize she felt such emotions. Wasn’t it just a week since she met that girl?
Why on earth?
Well, maybe—
Because she’s so pretty, because she’s a bit shorter than me, making her easy to hug, because she looks good in anything she wears, suggesting I have plenty of outfits to try on her, because her body, though skinny, felt strangely soft when touched, because her cold demeanor made her more adorable, because I still couldn’t forget the touch of her chest against mine, because that first encounter was so intense—
No, let’s just be honest and straightforward.
It’s simply because she’s beautiful.
That face I first saw was so pretty that it was hard to forget, perfectly my type.
So, naturally, I kept daydreaming about other scenarios.
I was thinking, how wonderful it would be to date someone like her.
“So?”
Shin So-hee asked.
“How did you act at school?”
“At school?”
Sara asked back in confusion, her face slowly turning red.
Seeing her like that, Shin So-hee could roughly guess what had happened.
“Did you kiss in front of everyone or something?”
“No, it wasn’t that…”
Though it wasn’t a kiss, they did something that could easily make their faces flush. Not just with Sara, but with both girls on either side too.
Even Yoo Ha-neul was blatantly avoiding eye contact.
Shin So-hee narrowed her eyes.
Well, if it wasn’t a kiss, what could make them that embarrassed? A hug? Just crossing arms wouldn’t be enough to make their faces red. Even in that article’s photo, Sara didn’t blush while hanging out with Yoo Ha-neul.
Moreover, the three of them had been confidently linked like that from earlier. There was no reason for them to blush over it now.
“By the way, you three have been linking arms this whole time… is that part of some ‘plan’ or something?”
“Ah, that—”
“This is just friendly between friends—”
Yoo Ha-neul and Sara spoke simultaneously. Their words seemed to contradict one another.
“Friendly…?”
Shin So-hee asked, turning to Sara.
“So, friends link arms…?”
Exactly.
It was normal for friends to link arms.
But linking arms and hugging someone are distinctly different actions. It seemed Sara couldn’t distinguish between the two.
Well, I guess it could happen. Listening to Sara, it felt like she had really been living isolated from the world for a long time. She might not know how to gauge the distance between friends.
Yet—
Shin So-hee gave one more glance at the two girls flanking Sara. They both averted their eyes when they caught So-hee’s gaze, as if they knew what she was thinking.
“Ha.”
How dreary.
These two at least knew the nuances of that distance.
But using Sara’s current, rather clueless situation as a means to act like that…
…What kind of person could exist like that in the world?
There were two of them, no less.
Well, in reality, it might not be that uncommon for true close friends to reach a closeness that’s hard to compare with a romantic relationship. There are indeed friendships where they deny being a couple while sticking together.
Whether it truly stemmed from romantic feelings or mere possessiveness of friendship, Shin So-hee had no way to know, especially since she didn’t attend the same school.
But it was uncomfortable.
Since just moments ago, she had been feeling that way.
While she had been holding back all this time, those two in front of her were expressing those same feelings openly, even directed toward the very person Shin So-hee felt those things for.
“Really? Is that what you’re saying?”
Shin So-hee picked up a fork that had gone untouched and scooped some pieces of tiramisu from the plate. The bite-sized piece she plucked fell apart with chocolate dust flying everywhere.
She popped it into her mouth. The unique density of chocolate, its sweetness, and slight bitterness melded with the soft cake as it dissolved, creating a lovely blend in her mouth.
Shin So-hee picked up the fork again and went for another piece of tiramisu. Then,
“I want to help with that plan too.”
She said, pushing the fork toward Sara.
“Huh?”
“Want to be part of the plan as well. So you’re not planning to break that cage around you, right?”
She nudged the fork a little closer to Sara. A sprinkle of chocolate dust fell from the piece.
“With someone on the outside helping to break it, wouldn’t it be easier?”
Eventually, as the tiramisu came closer to her lips, Sara had no option but to take it with her mouth since her hands were held by both girls.
Only then did the two who had been blankly watching realize and say “Ah!” as they snapped back to reality.
But it was already too late.
Shin So-hee had already popped the next piece into her mouth.
“How is it?”
Feeling somewhat satisfied, Shin So-hee leaned back in her chair and asked.
“Are you going to let me in on this, or not? If you’re not, I’m heading home.”
She even mixed in a little threat. As soon as she said it, her heart raced a bit, worrying they might actually tell her to go home.
“Uh, well…”
Sara looked a bit flustered, moving her gaze around. If she kept quiet, she’d definitely give off a cold beauty vibe, but whenever she behaved like this, Shin So-hee strangely thought of an anxious puppy.
“…Okay, I got it.”
In the end, Sara nodded.
If Shin So-hee were talking to Sara on the phone back in her room, she would’ve jumped up without knowing it.
But here, she held it in.
